Hello Bees!
This is my first post, I've been a long time creeper for awhile now, even though I'm not engaged I'm just addicted to this blog!
What brings me out of lurker-dom is a question that's been nagging me for awhile, and was just brought to light by the introduction of Mrs. Camel. She made knowing her FI was "the one" sound so easy and magical, like it just clicked, that she just KNEW.
I basically wanted some feedback from people who DIDN'T get that feeling, so I can stop being such an overly-analytic worrywort. Unless you guys don't exist :(
I'm not even thinking marriage anytime soon, but the thought has been looming in my mind because my BF graduates this Spring and has a job contract that requires him to move around for 2 years. I'll still be here at college occupied, but since we've only been together one year, you can see how it's a little daunting. I just want to know I'm on the right path before we both spend 2 years in a potentially dead-end relationship. (We're both willing to work hard at long distance! I'm not looking for an excuse to abandon us)
For the sake of reading, I won't post any relationship details, we're doing fine, though :)
Thank you guys! Feedback from anyone is appreciated!
@wouldyoukindlyy: In my experience (and of course every relationship is different), it just takes time. I certainly didn't know I'd be marrying FI after a year. But I knew I wanted to be with him in the moment, until it eventually grew into that.
So I guess my advice is, try to appreciate where you are now (as sappy as that sounds) and see where that takes you!
Well... I just knew... because I didn't want anything else, and I didn't look for anything else and I knew I didn't need anyone else. Its just... settled and satisfying. You might not think of your relationship as dead-end and just take it for what it is... enjoyable in the moment like RexManningDay suggests. The decisions you make when it comes to long distance and taking jobs will help you figure that out, I think? Talk to your man about it. Maybe he'll help you feel more at ease.
PS welcome to the boards!
You will hear the exact same thing about many of life's big decisions. Many people just go pick put a car, or walk into a house, or walk on a college campus, or even find a wedding dress and "just know." Sometimes this gut feeling is right and sometimes wrong. And other people take more time to make decisions or sort out their feelings, or use more logical thinking. And this too can be successful or they may overthink it. I think it really depends on the kind of personality you are and your life story thus far.
I wish I could help. I was one of those women who knew at a particular time.
Best of wishes to you and your BF. If it's meant to be, you guys will make it through.
Man, I wrote an email to friends like this several years ago, long before I met FI. I think I'd just broken up with a previous boyfriend.
I am not one who "just knows." I'm not a super emotional person (relatively), and I am extremely logical. When looking at homes to rent/buy, I created a mathematical formula/spreadsheet to help measure and validate my gut feeling, if that is any help! That doesn't mean I'm don't get "gut feelings." I do. I'm actually very intuitive. But on big decisions, I try to be rational.
All while I was dating, one of my mantras was "Use your head before your heart gets involved." I wanted to make a wise choice first and let the emotions come second. I would never have a relationship WITHOUT the emotions, but I think far too many people let emotions be their only factor in relationships when the day-to-day life requires a lot of mundane compatibility issues.
I never had that epiphany with FI that he was THE ONE. I don't believe in the one. And I've loved several men through my dating years.
I do believe FI is the one for me, and I am CHOOSING our life together. Our counselor in pre-marital counseling thought that was an extremely healthy attitude and said that in 14 years of counseling, she'd never seen a couple that communicated or that was better prepared. I think knowing that you are choosing someone, rather than fate has bound you to be together, is very powerful. It makes you realize you have to work at it and continue to make it a choice.
That probably all sounds very cold and calculated, but our day to day life isn't like that. It's hugs and kisses and cute text messages and secret notes we live for each other. But our decision to move forward into marriage was very much a choice and a thought process we went through, not some strong surge of emotion where we just knew we could never be apart.
Hope that helps.
Oh, and for what it's worth (maybe something, maybe nothing), FI and I met on eHarmony, which matches you based on an extensive personality inventory. It was dead on on both of us. I was FI's first date from there, although I had dated on and off on eHarmony for a couple of years prior (so I dated a lot of "matches" who I decided were NOT matches).
I wouldn't worry about getting the "I just know" feeling yet, You've been together a year. I know for me it took quite a while to develop that feeling. I was not one of those people who right after meeting the guy thought, "Wow, I am going to marry him." I didn't even think about the possibility of marriage until someone else said half-jokingly in passing that they want invited to our future wedding.
After though I thought about it. Then I thought a little more. I analyzed the way we handled conflict. I analyzed our personalities, our goals, the things we wanted in life. From there I knew we were a good match, and that I suppose eventually led to me "just knowing." I woke up one day and realized I would say yes if he proposed. Before that I wasn't sure.
But even after that moment it's still grown. The thought of marrying still scared me a little. It was daunting. As the months went by since then, I honestly feel like I've grown much more into it. My doubts vanished, and I was secure in that "knowing" if that makes sense. Before it was a shaky feeling, but it gradually turned into a "Oh yeah, I am going to for sure going to be happily married to this guy, no doubts about it."
I am one of those who gets "the one" feelings, but I think it is explainable with a little inner digging. For me, it boils down to whether I feel my life is better (or not) with this person in it, how much I was willing to sacrifice (if I even would consider it sacrifice), and whether we build each other up. I was in a relationship for 7 years from hs to graduating college. While I loved him deeply and passionately, I realized I was not willing trade off the chance to get a great job or get into a dream graduate school for the sake of being in the same place as where he might end up. It made me really sad to realize it, but I was glad that at least I knew where my commitment level was before we made huge decisions about next steps.
With ex-H, we knew we were going to be in a LDR almost from the beginning (met on a summer internship), and despite my previous hard line against LDR, I jumped in heart-first. When I got home after the summer, I told everyone I knew that I had met the man I was going to marry. I won't go into detailing why he is now ex-H, but basically we stopped being good for each other. However, I don't for one second regret any of our 8 years together, even the hard ones. I also don't think my feelings were wrong; at the time and being who we were at those times, I still believe he was "the one."
When I left ex-H, I never thought I'd want to get married again. I was, and still am, terrified at the idea of having to go through that experience again. When FI and I talked about marriage, it was clear that it was something he really wanted for us but was understanding of my feelings. He told me he'd give me as much time as I needed. One night, cuddling in bed, it just hit me like lightning. I wanted to be his wife more than I was afraid of marriage. That's when I knew.
I think with my DH and i it was a case of the two of us being very compatible. I had never ever dated someone who i was this compatible with. Yes we did have our fights, but during and after each of them i never ever thought that i didnt want to be with him. ever, (although at the time i could have high fived him... in the face.. with a fry pan... jokes) I get enjoyment out of hanging out with him, doing things with him. yes he makes me laugh, cry, infuriate me and all the rest, but i just felt that he and i were worth the effort. So that feeling of knowng, for me, was just that. Knowing that our lives wernt always perfect, knowing that we would go through ups and downs, but that the two of us would want to put in the effort that comes with any relationship.. so knowing doesnt mean youll have a perfect realtionship, it just means knowing its worth the effort. (well for me anyways and everyone is different)
My two cents: Been married twice. First time to my highschool sweetheart after 7 years of dating. I had convinced myself he was the one. I wanted him to be the one. We divorced 4 years later. Eventually I started dating again and met someone very special. Within months I just knew our relationship was the real deal. It just felt natural being with him. It was then that I understood what "just knew" meant.
@wouldyoukindlyy: I just knew mine was the one on our second date then waited a few more dates to confirm it wasn't just me being crazy-face. This process took 4 months.
I think because I am older and have had quite a few experiences, dated around (though I am more of a periodic monogamist and less of a casual dater), felt comfortable in my sense of self, it wasn't difficult for me to know I made the right decision in trusting my feelings.
If you don't feel it yet, you're young maybe you guys should explore a bit (the world, not other peoples happy places) and grow. Then maybe the feeling will come. If not, tell him youll send him a blender when he gets married.
People who "just knew" have the same divorce rate as people who didn't know early on that they were with the right person. There is no way to actually know anything with 100% certainty, much less the future decisions and actions of a separate entity.
@MrsBroccoli: I just know with certainty. My mom just knew. His mom just knew. My grandmother just knew. My best friends mom just knew.
I actually don't know any long term married couples who didnt just know their partner was the one. I do know some who divorced who had the same nagging feeling but it said they might not be the one. I say whatever the voice says, listen.
I love all the sound advice here, it's so comforting. I'm the sort who frets about everything and can talk myself out of even the most no-brainer decisions! I'm in an interesting situation where I "just knew" my ex was the one, but the relationship was pretty hellish really - when I look back on it, he was very controlling and manipulative, and that ferocity of feeling that I had was maybe born more out of a fear of losing him than anything else (not saying it's like this for everyone - not at all!!) Anyway, I have since met the current SO and it has been something that has just grown so beautifully. There was no lightning moment, just a growing realisation that we're great together. It feels less like fireworks and more like having drunk a cup of tea before you go out in the cold (can you tell I'm in England??) - it keeps you going with a warm feeling in your middle that just makes everything easier and better.
@subtlebee: Something isn't true just because it hasn't been proved false yet. This is a paradox. If everyone said they "just knew" and some of them didn't get married/got divorced, then they must not have really known. If a fact is only true when it is true, it's not a fact.
For me, i knew i wanted to be with him and couldnt fathom it ending but i went away for a week and in that time it dawned on me. I didn't care if he never wanted to get married again or if he didn't want anymore children i want him by myside for the rest of my life. Thats how I just knew. since then hes been more open abour marriage and I'm pregnant so looks like we are growing
@MrsBroccoli: well thats not necessarily true. Quite a few things are only true when they are true. Democracies don't go to war with each other. might not be true but it certainly isn't false. In the absence of evidence to the contrary but with a preponderance of evidence in suport, a court would rule in favor.
Thus I conclude that gut feelings should be heeded!
But! OP refer to my response directly to you for my best advice...this is more a response to her initial snarkiness
I dont think i ever had the moment where i looked at him and just thought hes 'the one'!! maybe it was because I was 15 whe we first started dating. im not sure, but i know he is now! Even after 5, going on 6 years I get a bubbly feeling still when i cuddle him, Or when he does something nice, even if its just saying i love you, or giving me a cuddle before i go to sleep i get a warm fuzzy feeling that just brings a smile to my face :D
Thank you guys so much for all of your responses. You definitely have made me feel better. I guess when a ton of my friends are getting engaged at about the year mark its easy for me to lose sight of having fun and enjoying the relationship than worrying about everyone else getting engaged.
I love all the stories though, if anyone wants to post more go ahead :)
All of this stuff about just knowing and him being the one and stuff isn't true. Nobody ever really just knows, it's kind of a nice lie people tell themselves when they're in love.
And as for the one, there are probable thousands of other people out there that you might have met and fallen in love with instead. Your relationship with your fiancé is really just a beautiful accident. Enjoy it for what it really is, and don't listen to anyone else telling you what you should be feeling.
I didn't know that my FH was "the one" and I still don't. But I do know that I don't want to be with anyone else, that I want to build a future with him, and that I want to have his kids. I don't know that we will be together until we die. No one really does, even if they think they do. But I know that I want to try. I had a friend in college who got married after dating the guy for years. On her wedding day I asked her when she knew he was "the one" and how she could be so certain. She said that she always knew and that she had zero doubts about their relationship. They divorced 4 months later because his mistress was 6 months pregnant and wanted to marry him. I don't believe in soul mates. Humans are serial monogomists. Most couples average 7 years together in relationships. But that is an average. Some people are together with someone almost every year, others spend 30 years together. Don't feel bad if you don't "just know." It doesn't make your relationship less valid or real or committed.
@wouldyoukindlyy At nineteen I fell head over heels in love with my ex. He was nine yrs older, a human rights lawyer who could draw amazingly and that swept me off my feet by sending me flowers, writing me love letters and taking me to all sorts of galas and concerts and exquisite restaurants. At nineteen it makes your head spin! I moved in with him two weeks after we started dating and 3 months later he proposed.
I was over the moon and just knew he was The One!
until a few months later I found out (by accident) that he had already been married and had never mentioned it, I confronted him about it and he said it was none of my business.
Also i found out that he had to go back to the states for a court hearing and he always refused to tell me what it was for.
The lack of honesty in our relationship made me loose the love googles, I realised he loved me until I was admiring and silent and basically just was a decotration to his life.
I moved out after that and a year later I met my SO. We had many mutual friends and just hung out casually but slowly he started to grow on me. He is kind and understanding and intelligent. We started dating a few months after we met and have been together nearly a year. I knew he was the one after 5 months of being together when I had some health problems. he was very supportive and acted in a way which i instantly recognized as perfect, his beahvious always fills me with admiration.
Thats when i knew he was the one :)
I don't know that FI is the one. I don't think there is just one anyway. But he is the best man I've ever met and been with, i dont want anyone else, and I don't want this to end.
@kerensa: This is a really good point. I've never been one of those people. When I pick out colleges, jobs, cars, etc. I end up agonizing over the decision and making pro/con lists and researching as much as possible. I may not be one of those people who can have a moment where I'm 100% sure SO is the one. I have a specific moment that sticks out where I realized he was a fantastic catch and I loved him, but I still am doing a lot of logical thinking while trying to figure out where I see this relationship headed.
I also don't believe in "the one". I believe in Dan Savage's concept of rounding up to the one. You find someone who is a good match for you (not perfect) and the rest is making the decision to commit to each other and working on it. I think there are tons of men that I could make a marriage work with, it's just a matter of figuring out if this is one of them. Not super romantic, but pragmatic.
I never ever thought I would be one of those people that "just knew." I'm a very indecisive person.
But I didn't meet FI until I was 27, so by then I had dated around quite a bit. Up until I met him I really questioned how I would know if someone was right for me or not, I kind of just figured I really might not ever know and that was how it was going to be. I just really hadn't ever had a great relationship either, one that was completely and mutually fulfilling. By this point I was pretty much okay with never getting married, or at least I accepted that might just be how it was going to be. Or I accepted I was going to be that person who married my friend when "we were both 35 and still single." I really thought that was going to be me! I did date a few people throughout my 20s I thought "maybe I could marry them..." when we first met (thinking haha! to myself now) but looking back it was nothing like how I feel for FI.
I don't believe in soul mates nor do I think there is only 1 person on earth meant for you. But about 3 months after I met FI I "just knew" he was the one I was going to spend my life with. It was sort of strange, I had know about 2 months after I met him it was something special, but we were just sitting there at a wedding reception and it kind of just hit me. I just realized that this was it for us and it just made every other relationship I'd ever had look so so...wrong. I moved in shortly after that and I've never had any doubts that this was the right thing.
I think part of having this feeling is that we both met at 27 and we are just at that point in our lives. I couldn't say if we had met at 21 that I would have felt the same way so soon...probably not because I wouldn't have been ready to get married at that age. He wouldn't have been either.
Since you're both so young I really wouldn't worry about it. All you can know is that you want to keep going in your relationship! And even if I "just knew" that doesn't mean it will be all cake and fireworks all the time. All that I "knew" was that this was the most special and wonderful relationship I've ever had and that I wanted it for the rest of my life, and that I was prepared to fight for it through anything.
I had a huge crush for forever on my FI, and we were friends for over a year before we started dating. For these reasons, I knew within a few months of dating that I wanted to marry him. But that's because I knew him so well before we started dating that it wasn't a question of "do I like you?" but "do we work well together?" and we did immediately! Granted, we went through a pretty rocky period around a year into our relationship, and that lasted for over 6 months. We have never broken up, it was more that he was unemployed and couldn't find a job and it put a ton of stress on him and our relationship. We have worked through it though. So I think I'm a weird case... I knew he was the one, doubted it for a little while, now am back to being positive he is for me.
I was super super unsure through alot of our dating. I tried breaking up about 4 times and then we did break up. I had a huge rebound and he came running back begging on all 4's .... and then I knew, he told my dad
"I'm worried I've lost the most important thing in my life." he applogized to both my parents and other family members for not being the man I needed.
He switched jobs, sold his xbox and everything to prove him self to me.
i knew I deserved a man willing to do that, but I still made him re date me.
I fell for him 2 as hard and I honestly think I went from liking a boy to loving a man.
on top of it he is my best friend.
Always here for me.
He works 60+ hours a week so that I can go to school and stay home with our doggies.
He is just remarkable.
everyone has a different story.
It wasn't always a magical fairy tale for us and it still isn't but its real and its STRONG and deep and thats what I love!
i am definitely one of the girls who gets 'the feeling' and has probably had it with most of my big loves apart from my FI. in fact, i probably spent the first 2 and a half years of our relationship NOT having the feeling, just being happy with the way things were and that was enough for me at the time.
at around about the 3 year mark in our relationship, i had a huge trauma, and as it started to unfold i gave him several opportunities to walk away, because i knew it was going to be horrible, and i didn't want to put him through the pain of what i was going through.
our relationship ended up coming out of it intact, which is around about when i started to think of him as possibly someone that i wanted more with. from then, it was probably about 6-8 months before we go engaged.
we may not be the 'fairy tale' but he has become the love of my life, who chose to stand by me through my darkest days and i will be forever grateful that he did!
We met online yeeeears ago, and within 2 months I just knew. It was like recognizing something you use to be familiar with. With alot of big things in my life I "just know" when it's right. That's the sort of person I am. Some people don't work like that though, and they know in different ways.
In my opinion, the only "dead end relationships" are those which you are unahppy in, and which bring you down. I've had plenty of those. But I've also had plenty of relationships with people who I was meant to be with for a shorter period of my life than I am meant to spend with Dave. Those relationships really helped me grow as a person and open myself up to new things.
Long distance relationships take ALOT of work, and they take much more commitment and faith than other relationships, so I can understand your worry. I don't want to sound belittling, but if I were speaking to myself in the same position, I would tell myself that if I was happy with the way my life was right now, I should stop worrying about it for a few months, (and if I was still happy, put the worry to the back of my mind again for another while)
Dunno if that's the response you were looking for, but those are my thoughts.
I know that he's the one for me in my heart and my brain, to put it cornily - I picked him and he fulfills every check mark I could have on a list. But I think knowing for real just comes with time.
@Stormchild: There was no lightning moment, just a growing realisation that we're great together. It feels less like fireworks and more like having drunk a cup of tea before you go out in the cold (can you tell I'm in England??) - it keeps you going with a warm feeling in your middle that just makes everything easier and better.
YES! Exactly this.
I'm with NAvery and MrsBroccoli. My husband and I will be celebrating our 17th anniversary next year, and we are just as in love as the day we married. Yet at no point during the three years we dated (on and off) did I ever "just know" that "he's the one". In large part, I'm sure, because I wasn't looking for or hoping for "the one" and in fact, did not and still do not believe in "the one." When he knocked me up during one of our "ON" periods, I thought long and hard about my options. We loved each other, but I'm a firm believer that love is not enough. I realized that he respected me and women in general, that he communicated openly and honestly, and that he valued and appreciated me for the whole real person I am. Those are what made me decide I wanted to marry him. No magical moment, no bolt of lightning, just me realizing that he and I could be very happy together. (He'd already seen that a year earlier and was just waiting for me to catch up.)
My husband has a friend who "just knows" when his football team is going to win. Guess what -- sometimes they do. Doesn't mean his hunch was right. The team was going to win with or without his feeling, and a solid relationship will thrive with or without that feeling.
I have a lot to say on this but I'm at work. I will log in at home! Great topic. Can't wait to share my thoughts!
When FI and I first met, we were both in 10th grade and he was being loud and ridiculous. There was no, "This is the guy I'm gonna marry." No one thinks that at 15. However, the 2nd time I saw him, he was in tears. I still don't know why and he doesn't remember anymore, but when I saw him that upset, it broke my heart and I just had to give this guy I'd only met once before a hug. It was while hugging him that I knew he was going to be really important. Time goes on, I interpret it as "first real boyfriend." A couple on again/off agains later, he did become really important. He became the man I knew I wanted to spend my life with and after reaching this realization, I didn't care about some fancy diamond ring or tradition. I saved up, bought a ring and 2 months later I proposed to him.
My fiance told me he loved me two weeks into when we started dating. I knew then that he was either very stupid, or very honest 
. We dated for 15 months before we moved in together, got engaged 5 months later, and here we are planning our wedding for next year.
We, too, will be separated for at least a year, possibly two; my program is 4 years, and his is 3, but his third year is complete placement and he could end up anywhere in the province. That's why we're having our wedding next year, we wanted to be married a while before he ends up getting 'shipped off', if he does. Though I get thinking about it sometimes, it's looming off 2.5 years in the future, and I have no doubts that we'll be fine regardless of what happens.
@wouldyoukindlyy: Don't worry if you arn't having "the one" feeling - I didn't feel that whole "this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with for 100% certainty" until we were together for almost 4 years.
Like another bee said, I am more logical then emotional. Logically speaking what I knew about him is that we had a bond stronger then I have ever felt with another person (including a stronger bond I ever had with any of my best friends.) But, being logical, I wanted to make sure that this bond would stand the test of time.
Many of my friends disagree with me, but all I know is what works for me, and that is time. I know that my realtionship is strong because we spent time devloping and working on it prior to marriage. I will say that it was an odd feeling to finally feel "the one," espicially after 4 years of logical thinking. My moment happened one morning when I woke up out of bed and I knew in my gut that I wanted to marry him. It was such a strong feeling that I wanted to marry him that day! Haha!
So don't feel like you should be having this feeling because people you know are having it after a week, or months, or even a year - because you may be like me and we need time to confirm our decision.
I love all the different answers people are giving.
@lichtetheway
post it again! :)
@AnnieAAA
I think I identify with your post the post so far. I'm an extremely logical thinker, and it takes me ages to make a solid decision about something important. I've been thinking about getting a tattoo for almost 4 years now, hahah. So, thanks for your post, it really set me at ease :)
(not sure if I did the tagging correctly on here. I have to find a posting guide somewhere. And thank you to everyone else, too!)
I remember telling my best friend a few years ago that I knew FI was the one, and it was just that certain feeling of just knowing. She completely didn't understand. At the time she was living with her BF and thought that he was the person should would marry, but never understood "just knowing" because she didn't feel that way. A few months later they broke up and she moved out. She is now dating someone else, their relationship is entirely different and much healthier than with her ex. Last weekend we went out for drinks together, she told me that she now understands what I was talking about what I said i "just knew".
Its not something that happens right away and it might take quite a while, but one day all of a sudden "just know". I wish I could give you more advice, but if things are right, it will happen.
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