Knowing he's the one without "just knowing"?

posted 1 year ago in 20 Something
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

@wouldyoukindlyy:  In my experience (and of course every relationship is different), it just takes time. I certainly didn’t know I’d be marrying FI after a year. But I knew I wanted to be with him in the moment, until it eventually grew into that.

So I guess my advice is, try to appreciate where you are now (as sappy as that sounds) and see where that takes you!

Member
950 posts
Busy bee

Well… I just knew… because I didn’t want anything else, and I didn’t look for anything else and I knew I didn’t need anyone else.  Its just… settled and satisfying.  You might not think of your relationship as dead-end and just take it for what it is… enjoyable in the moment like RexManningDay suggests.  The decisions you make when it comes to long distance and taking jobs will help you figure that out, I think?  Talk to your man about it.  Maybe he’ll help you feel more at ease.

PS welcome to the boards!

Member
4076 posts
Honey bee

You will hear the exact same thing about many of life’s big decisions. Many people just go pick put a car, or walk into a house, or walk on a college campus, or even find a wedding dress and “just know.” Sometimes this gut feeling is right and sometimes wrong. And other people take more time to make decisions or sort out their feelings, or use more logical thinking. And this too can be successful or they may overthink it. I think it really depends on the kind of personality you are and your life story thus far.

Member
6208 posts
Bee Keeper

I wish I could help. I was one of those women who knew at a particular time.

Best of wishes to you and your BF. If it’s meant to be, you guys will make it through.

Member
2298 posts
Buzzing bee

Man, I wrote an email to friends like this several years ago, long before I met FI. I think I’d just broken up with a previous boyfriend.

I am not one who “just knows.” I’m not a super emotional person (relatively), and I am extremely logical. When looking at homes to rent/buy, I created a mathematical formula/spreadsheet to help measure and validate my gut feeling, if that is any help! That doesn’t mean I’m don’t get “gut feelings.” I do. I’m actually very intuitive. But on big decisions, I try to be rational.

All while I was dating, one of my mantras was “Use your head before your heart gets involved.” I wanted to make a wise choice first and let the emotions come second. I would never have a relationship WITHOUT the emotions, but I think far too many people let emotions be their only factor in relationships when the day-to-day life requires a lot of mundane compatibility issues.

I never had that epiphany with FI that he was THE ONE. I don’t believe in the one. And I’ve loved several men through my dating years.

I do believe FI is the one for me, and I am CHOOSING our life together. Our counselor in pre-marital counseling thought that was an extremely healthy attitude and said that in 14 years of counseling, she’d never seen a couple that communicated or that was better prepared. I think knowing that you are choosing someone, rather than fate has bound you to be together, is very powerful. It makes you realize you have to work at it and continue to make it a choice.

That probably all sounds very cold and calculated, but our day to day life isn’t like that. It’s hugs and kisses and cute text messages and secret notes we live for each other. But our decision to move forward into marriage was very much a choice and a thought process we went through, not some strong surge of emotion where we just knew we could never be apart.

Hope that helps.

Member
2298 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, and for what it’s worth (maybe something, maybe nothing), FI and I met on eHarmony, which matches you based on an extensive personality inventory. It was dead on on both of us. I was FI’s first date from there, although I had dated on and off on eHarmony for a couple of years prior (so I dated a lot of “matches” who I decided were NOT matches).

Member
3891 posts
Honey bee

I wouldn’t worry about getting the “I just know” feeling yet, You’ve been together a year. I know for me it took quite a while to develop that feeling. I was not one of those people who right after meeting the guy thought, “Wow, I am going to marry him.” I didn’t even think about the possibility of marriage until someone else said half-jokingly in passing that they want invited to our future wedding.

After though I thought about it. Then I thought a little more. I analyzed the way we handled conflict. I analyzed our personalities, our goals, the things we wanted in life. From there I knew we were a good match, and that I suppose eventually led to me “just knowing.” I woke up one day and realized I would say yes if he proposed. Before that I wasn’t sure.

But even after that moment it’s still grown. The thought of marrying still scared me a little. It was daunting. As the months went by since then, I honestly feel like I’ve grown much more into it. My doubts vanished, and I was secure in that “knowing” if that makes sense. Before it was a shaky feeling, but it gradually turned into a “Oh yeah, I am going to for sure going to be happily married to this guy, no doubts about it.”

Member
2653 posts
Sugar bee

I am one of those who gets “the one” feelings, but I think it is explainable with a little inner digging. For me, it boils down to whether I feel my life is better (or not) with this person in it, how much I was willing to sacrifice (if I even would consider it sacrifice), and whether we build each other up. I was in a relationship for 7 years from hs to graduating college. While I loved him deeply and passionately, I realized I was not willing trade off the chance to get a great job or get into a dream graduate school for the sake of being in the same place as where he might end up. It made me really sad to realize it, but I was glad that at least I knew where my commitment level was before we made huge decisions about next steps.

With ex-H, we knew we were going to be in a LDR almost from the beginning (met on a summer internship), and despite my previous hard line against LDR, I jumped in heart-first. When I got home after the summer, I told everyone I knew that I had met the man I was going to marry. I won’t go into detailing why he is now ex-H, but basically we stopped being good for each other. However, I don’t for one second regret any of our 8 years together, even the hard ones. I also don’t think my feelings were wrong; at the time and being who we were at those times, I still believe he was “the one.”

When I left ex-H, I never thought I’d want to get married again. I was, and still am, terrified at the idea of having to go through that experience again. When FI and I talked about marriage, it was clear that it was something he really wanted for us but was understanding of my feelings. He told me he’d give me as much time as I needed. One night, cuddling in bed, it just hit me like lightning. I wanted to be his wife more than I was afraid of marriage. That’s when I knew. 

Member
723 posts
Busy bee

I think with my DH and i it was a case of the two of us being very compatible. I had never ever dated someone who i was this compatible with. Yes we did have our fights, but during and after each of them i never ever thought that i didnt want to be with him. ever, (although at the time i could have high fived him… in the face.. with a fry pan… jokes) I get enjoyment out  of hanging out with him, doing things with him. yes he makes me laugh, cry, infuriate me and all the rest, but i just felt that he and i were worth the effort. So that feeling of knowng, for me, was just that. Knowing that our lives wernt always perfect, knowing that we would go through ups and downs, but that the two of us would want to put in the effort that comes with any relationship.. so knowing doesnt mean youll have a perfect realtionship, it just means knowing its worth the effort. (well for me anyways and everyone is different)

 

Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

My two cents:  Been married twice.  First time to my highschool sweetheart after 7 years of dating.  I had convinced myself he was the one.  I wanted him to be the one.  We divorced 4 years later.  Eventually I started dating again and met someone very special.  Within months I just knew our relationship was the real deal.  It just felt natural being with him.  It was then that I understood what “just knew” meant.  

Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee

@wouldyoukindlyy:  I just knew mine was the one on our second date then waited a few more dates to confirm it wasn’t just me being crazy-face. This process took 4 months.

I think because I am older and have had quite a few experiences, dated around (though I am more of a periodic monogamist and less of a casual dater), felt comfortable in my sense of self, it wasn’t difficult for me to know I made the right decision in trusting my feelings.

If you don’t feel it yet, you’re young maybe you guys should explore a bit (the world, not other peoples happy places) and grow. Then maybe the feeling will come. If not, tell him youll send him a blender when he gets married.

Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee

People who “just knew” have the same divorce rate as people who didn’t know early on that they were with the right person. There is no way to actually know anything with 100% certainty, much less the future decisions and actions of a separate entity. 

Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsBroccoli:  I just know with certainty. My mom just knew. His mom just knew. My grandmother just knew. My best friends mom just knew.

I actually don’t know any long term married couples who didnt just know their partner was the one. I do know some who divorced who had the same nagging feeling but it said they might not be the one. I say whatever the voice says, listen.

Member
441 posts
Helper bee

I love all the sound advice here, it’s so comforting. I’m the sort who frets about everything and can talk myself out of even the most no-brainer decisions! I’m in an interesting situation where I “just knew” my ex was the one, but the relationship was pretty hellish really – when I look back on it, he was very controlling and manipulative, and that ferocity of feeling that I had was maybe born more out of a fear of losing him than anything else (not saying it’s like this for everyone – not at all!!) Anyway, I have since met the current SO and it has been something that has just grown so beautifully. There was no lightning moment, just a growing realisation that we’re great together. It feels less like fireworks and more like having drunk a cup of tea before you go out in the cold (can you tell I’m in England??) – it keeps you going with a warm feeling in your middle that just makes everything easier and better.

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