Post # 1
With all of the rules regarding wedding etiquette, I was curious if anyone else has knowingly decided to break rule on etiquette.
I’ll go first. I know that established partners should get a +1, and I have done that for virtually every person on the guest list to which this applies. However, there is one girl on the guest list who is a friend, but in a really toxic/immature relationship. They are supposedly “engaged” but have no intentions to marry any time in the near or distant future. They also recently got into a physical altercation that was so serious the police were called, and the friend was taken by police because she threatened to kill herself.
Not inviting this friend wasn’t an option because her parents and brother are invited (and for that reason she’ll have people to keep her company), but inviting the girlfriend also was not an option. I’m not having a shouting match or a physical fight happen at my wedding (at least not due to these two).
So how have you breached etiquette?
Post # 3
I am really strict on etiquette so I try not to break it on purpose but I have to say you get to invite or not invite who you want. I think it’s “acceptable” to give them a plus 1 but it’s really not a requirement. I don’t agree with the reason of why you aren’t inviting the other person but it is entirely your choice and for that, I agree.
Just remember some people are still tacky and just because you don’t invite someone doesn’t mean they won’t show up! Lots of people assume if they are invited, so is their partner, even if they aren’t on the invite. I hope not though!! 🙂 Ugh. Pain in the neck.
Post # 4
I did not send a thank you card (for our e-party) to my parents, or his father (his dad was moving at the time and never got back to me about an address). His sister also did not get a thank you letter, but then we didn’t get one for her e-party either.
It seems ridiculous to actually send a letter to someone you can thank in person, and it seems impersonal for people we are so close to. I’m not sure if you are supposed to send thank you letters to your parents, but I think it’s odd and I know they would think it was odd too.
Post # 5
Sure I have. Although I don’t it just to do it. I think some etiquette most of guest don’t know of and I don’t make any sense and if anything makes things more complicated.
Normally I am against leaving out ones partner because of not liking them, but if these people have reached the level where police is called I think it’s more justifiable. i would talk to the family first and determine if they think they can last the whole night without incident.
Post # 6
@hyperJulie: I seem to be breaking etiquette at every turn!
I wanted a black tie wedding but then I was told that’s bad etiquette because I am not having an evening ceremony or a live band, even though I’m going to a black tie wedding next month which starts at 2:30 in the afternoon…
I wanted to receive my RSVPs back with as much notice as possible – but apparently there are date rules! Who knew?!
I think it’s impossible not to break etiquette at some point!
Post # 7
I didn’t invite my brother’s girlfriend to the rehearsal dinner. However, our dinner was only 8 people and all immediate family. She was a raging bitch during the entire wedding planning process and made everyone miserable, so I don’t think anyone else was offended, lol.
Post # 8
Goodness, so many ways and in some ways I didn’t even realize it. Here’s just one example:
We agreed on a family only wedding as a compromise between what I wanted (an elopement) and what FMIL wanted (a large wedding with all our friends and extended family). FMIL,who is very nice and well meaning, invited 9 of their neighbors who did not receive invitations. One of the 9 is FH’s good friend whose girlfriend was not invited, but the thing is that he wasn’t officially invited too. I feel bad but then none of our other friends were invited too. So officially unofficially (???) we are not extending a +1 to his girlfriend even though they have been together for about two years. If she comes then oh well, that’s life.
*Note: FMIL is paying for the wedding so I’m at the point where I’m just over everything. 16 days to go!
Post # 9
There is a reason why etiquette exists and knowingly breaking etiquette is unfathomable to me. I have to disagree with @Coral99, you can’t pick and choose when it comes to social units. Those who are in a committed relationship are a social unit and must be invited together. Think of how many “I wasn’t invited with FI!” posts we see here. People have different definitions of committed relationship, but generally if you are engaged you are a social unit. If you live together, you are a social unit, and so on.
The purpose of etiquette is to ensure you do not leave your guests offended, frustrated, etc. This includes:
1) Properly hosting them. You would never ask a guest to pay for drinks in your own home. You may not have any alcohol and say I’m sorry we don’t have any, but you would never say, yes you can have a glass of wine, that will be $6. The same is true at a wedding. They should never have to grab their wallet.
2) If you are having a “black tie” affair it needs to be a black tie affair — people are spending more money than typically and they expect you do the same.
3) You are open and honest about whether a wedding is a wedding. Inspired by recent threads, you cannot have a “wedding” if you are already married. You are having a vow renewal and a reception. Fine, but people need to know what the purpose of the event is.
Also, just because someone else breaks etiquette or it’s what’s “typically” done in your region, does not make it right.
Post # 10
Yes. I sent our invites out way early, despite reading that it is never okay to send them out earlier than a certain number of weeks. 100% of our guests are traveling from out of state – mostly flying or driving 15+ hours. Plus we’re having a Thursday night wedding. There was no possible way that I wasn’t going to give far in advance notice. I did send STDs, but honestly I wouldn’t take off work and make travel arrangements for someone’s wedding unless I had an invite in hand.
We’re having a black tie wedding and I included this information on our website. I don’t think you’re supposed to say its black tie anywhere – its just supposed to be implied by the time of the wedding and the location (I think…). Believe me, we have relatives that would not assume a dress code based on time & location.
I am also not inviting people just for the sake of inviting them, family or not. We’re having a small wedding and if we arent close then you aren’t invited. I don’t mean it to be rude, but we want to keep it intimate.
Post # 11
I think you are expecting the worst from these individuals in your mind. Things will work out fine.. I wouldn’t worry so much about it.
Post # 12
I don’t consider it breaking etiquette but I know A LOT of bees do (ahem post 8) but I’m having a semi-cash bar (GASP!). Haha we’ll be having 4 kinds of hosted wine (6 cases total), two or three hosted kegs, and an open bar (up until a certain amount) and then the bar will be cash after that. We’re actually having a lot more hosted alcohol than most of the weddings I’ve been too so I feel pretty good about it. 🙂
Post # 13
Meh. I think some people need to lighten up a little. My guests would not be ‘offended’ because I didnt spend enough money to quantify the theme I’ve chosen. Guests that turn their noses up because they have to pay for top shelf spirits/think the decor isnt fancy enough are attending for the wrong reasons. In 50+ years when you are reminiscing on your life – are you going to regret not having the day you truly wanted, or, regret not following outdated etiquitte (that most people have forgotten nowadays)?
Post # 14
I’m breaking ettiquite by requesting my RSVP deadline earlier than it really needs to be. I sent them out in Mid-Feb, and I put my deadline as April 15th. My wedding is June 21st. I want my count at least 60 days prior because I’m on a strict budget and want to have the venue completely paid by then.
I dont care if people dont like it. My wedding is on a friday evening, about 45 minutes to an hour away from where I live. you know if you’re going to be able to make it or not.
Post # 15
@classyashley: *Standing Ovation*
I completely agree with everything you said.
I’m always appalled when I see posts from brides actually bragging about being rude. I also see a lot of posts where people confuse traditional wedding things with etiquette. For example, one bride thought she was breaking an etiquette rule because she was having a backyard barbecue reception!
Post # 16
@DeeWee: What’s outdated about the concept of being a gracious and polite host?
Decorations don’t factor into etiquette at all.
I also disagree that anyone who is put off by a cash bar is attending for the wrong reasons. I don’t go to weddings for free drinks and food – I go because I want to support people I care about and celebrate with them. That said, yes, I’d be put off by being asked to take out my wallet at an event I was invited too.
I really don’t want to rehas the cash bar debate. If anyone chooses to have a cash bar, that’s up to them. But I do dislike when the stated justifications for it attack the invited guests as being freeloaders or irresponsible drunkards. If you feel that way about your guests, why are you even inviting them?