Korean American bride to be with many FIL conflicts… (VERY long vent)

posted 3 years ago in East Asian
Post # 3
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Redholix:  *HUGS* Asian parents can really suck sometimes (mine are chinese).  I think your FH probably needs to give up on the idea of making his parents happy.  I really wish you both the best, I know how much stress parents can be on a relationship (my husband is caucasian), but as long as your relationship is strong with each other you will be fine.  Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding 🙂

Post # 4
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

More big hugs from me.  My family is Jewish, which can hold it’s one weight in drama, but I’m pretty lucky to have relatively drama-free FILs. 

I think you’ve done absoluely everything right up to this point, and been as supportive as you possibly can.  Your parents are supportive, which I can imagine only makes seeing the way his are even harder, but keep planning, keep your chin up, and know we’re all on your side.


Post # 5
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@Redholix:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I cannot imagine how hard it must be from your end. I’ve dated a couple of guys in the past who my parents had some reservations about, and I know it can be a tough situation.

The one piece of advice that I will give you is to always be respectful toward his family, whether that’s when you see them or when you two are talking about them. His family will always be his family, and those are the people who raised him and he grew up with. If you get married to this man, they will be your family too. Don’t give them any ammuniton they can use against you when they are talking to your SO, and don’t give your SO doubts about whether you respect his family or not.

I’m certainly not saying you should tolerate abuse, but I would always be respectful just in case the family’s relationship can be repaired at some future point in time. I hope that eventually they’ll be more accepting of you.

For now, stay true in your beliefs, I think that you have attempted many things in order to improve this relationship and am glad that you and your SO are supporting each other (and that your family is supportive). I wish you all the best!

Post # 6
3633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Being of Asian descent, I completely understand what you are going through. My family tends to be on the more liberal side, but I’ve had issues even with friends that are from very conservative Asian families. DH is of Eastern descent (not Asian however) and we had to deal with both sides coming to terms with the fact that we’re together and whether they liked it or not, it’s not their decision.

Anyway, I believe you have done everything you can do and I think it will drive you crazy to try to bring them around. Assuming you’ve presented everything fairly and objectively, they are choosing to dislike you for reasons that you can’t change (e.g. your height) and because of that, you just have to accept that this is the current reality and it is up to them to change. Sometimes, they can come around. For example, some members of my family didn’t like the fact that my BF/FI (now DH) is not Asian, even though he is extremely successful and supported me financially and emotionally through college and grad school. However, now that they’ve really gotten to know him, they’ve come around and really like him a lot.

I’m glad FI and you are a team and are presenting a united front. I applaud him for not letting their superficiality and “traditions” get in the way. It is best that this is addressed now rather than if/when you have children, because it is almost guaranteed that will exacerbate the already tense situation.

Post # 7
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Redholix:  I’m sorry that you’re living thru a K-drama of your own. I know exactly what you mean about everything – I’m Korean and I grew up in that area of NJ with the wealthy neighborhood. The Koreans here definitely put up a front regarding their houses and cars, certain churches dominate the social circuit, and they all raise their kids with the Ivy League mentality. I’ve faced similar conflicts regarding dating and marriage but with MY parents, who are the traditional, old school ones.  Did the FILs ask you if you have a history of diseases in your family? Haha.

Anyway, the positive take away from your rant is that your FI has stood up to his parents and is willing to cut ties with them for himself, you, and your future together. Your FILs will not change (though they may become more accepting once you give them a grandkid). You have to think of your own happiness and live your life as separate from them as possible. Also not sure if you and your FI’s jobs require that you stay in the area, but if you’re open to moving, distance definitely helps ease the drama (I feel like moving myself at this point, far away from my crazy mom). Best of luck.

Post # 10
209 posts
Helper bee

I really feel for you, being asian as well. You and your FI sound like you have good heads on your shoulders from how you’ve been acting (:

It’s terrible that your FILs are acting this way and you guys really don’t deserve that sort of treatment.

Try and keep your chins up and stay strong as a team!

Post # 12
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014



He choose you because you are EVERYTHING he could have every wanted in a partner for life. Do not doubt that yourself. Clearly, you are “good enough” and so much more!


(BTW) I dont get along with my Fiance’s entire family… They all drive me nuts. BUT I limit the time I spend with them. Another bee told me “its a nice idea to think that through marrage you will gain another family, but often its not true.” -Its very idealistic, and my reality is that I can not stand his family. It is what it is. I love him.


About the money thing… Im in a similar situation where my FI gives money to his entire family… we have open transparent conveerations and agree 100% on every transaction. If I were to ever feel as if I didn’t have a say in our future (Even if its ‘his 401k’ we would have major issues.)

Good luck.

Post # 14
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@Redholix:  I honestly think you’re doing the right thing. You seem like such a strong woman with a good head on her shoulders, and I hope eventually his parents learn what a wonderful future daughter in law they have.

Actually, you remind me a lot of my mother. My mother had a lot of issues with her my paternal grandmother (her MIL), basically due to my paternal grandmother’s personality. After my parents had kids, of course my paternal grandparents wanted to be in our lives, so my paternal grandmother was civil toward my mother for the most part. Sometimes she wasn’t always the nicest, and I know that it would stress my father out but he would always choose my mother at the end of the day. Now, 31 years after my parents started dating, my mother and paternal grandmother seem to actually get along. I think the change happened a few years ago, but can’t remember exactly when. After she saw a change in her MIL, my mom kind of just put the past away and now they connect in their own way. Reconnecting can happen, even years and years later, although I sure hope it happens sooner rather than later for you.

As for now, just keep doing what you’re doing and be true to yourself and happy in your relationship. Don’t stress out over this too much. It seems like you and your FI are a great couple and you should enjoy this time in your relationship! At the root of it, you have each other and that is such a precious thing to be thankful for.

Post # 15
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@Jewelieee:  “Did the FILs ask you if you have a history of diseases in your family? Haha.”

I’m not even Asian–I’m from a culture that values family, though, and from an immigrant family like the OP–and my mother always told me: “You need to find out what kind of diseases run in the family of the guys you’re dating. Especially mental disease. You don’t want to end up with any surprises.”

I’m sure if it was possible to do this reliably and without making her look absolutely crazy, my mother would test my boyfriends for a number of hereditary disease markers.

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