Lack of intimacy as reason to separate

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Definitely not. Couples go through these phases all the time. Some last days, some last years. I don’t think that’s something to break vows over. 

Post # 4
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I took my vows pretty seriously, and “for better or for worse” really stuck out at me. Intimacy is important, but it isn’t vital for a healthy relationship. It’s something that can be fixed if one or both sides actually put forth the effort to fix it.

If they won’t, then it isn’t the intimacy that is the problem. It ususally isn’t, anyway. Find why the intimacy died and there is your problem to fix. Sex issues are usually a symptom of a bigger issue.

 

Post # 5
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think it is. I also think that intimacy problems usually (not always) can be worked out. But if they can’t, you both deserve healthy sex lives.

Post # 6
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Hyperventilate:  +1

I agree that a lack of intimacy is probably not the root of the problem. It is normal to go through lulls, but long term intimacy tends to by caused by a deeper issue.

Post # 7
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it can be, but only after ALL options have been explored.

Post # 8
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think intimacy is a really important factor in a happy, healthy marriage. Like a PP stated though, lack of intimacy usually has little to do with sex. I would try to figure out the bigger issue before making any drastic decisions.

 

Post # 9
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think both parties have to be on board with a celibate marriage. It is unfair for one partner to make that decision unilaterally.

Post # 10
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think intimacy does not equal sex, so that’s important to distinguish. Plenty of couples have a sexless, but intimate marriage. It needs to be mutually agreed upon, though.

Post # 11
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

In general, I think it’s an issue that can be worked out, so I’d say that it’s not enough of a reason to separate.  This applies whether you’re talking about a lack of sex or a lack of emotional intimacy (or both).  

I do think that couples go through ups and downs, and once you are married it means you don’t break up because you’re going through a rough patch, you break up if you have truly irreconcilable problems such as any type of abuse, fundamentally incompatible values, possibly infidelity, etc.  That, to me, is an essential difference between being married or not.  

I’m not saying that you should stay in a relationship that lacks intimacy.  I’m saying that both of you need to make the effort to re-build it.  There are lots of ways to do this: attending therapy, reading self help books, working on yourselves individually or as a team, etc.

Of course, it’s a very personal decision and I know nothing about your situation

Post # 12
Member
2330 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Frustrated_bee:  I think like a PP has said, unless you have both agreed to have a celibate marriage then it isn’t fair. Of course all couples go through “dry phases” but I think if it is longer than six months with no “obvious reason” (new baby, working longer hours, moving house, illness etc.) then it needs to be talked about. I think regardless of what area of the relationship it is….if something is not right then you both need to talk about it. If they are unwilling to discuss it privately then I would suggest counselling or something similar. 

Post # 13
Member
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would seek out counseling even if you have to go alone.  Just for now.  YOu can at least mark it off your list of “trying everything.”

Post # 14
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Frustrated_bee:  I don’t understand why you would be so concerned with waiting until you’re married to have sex and then so easy to jump ship when it wasn’t what you were expecting… I’ve PMed you about this before and clearly you’re not interested in discussing it so just get Your separation – I think your mind is already made up…

Post # 15
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Frustrated_bee:  I think a lack of intimacy is a likely a symptom of some other problem, some are manageable and temporary problems, others could be a sign that the relationship needs to end. I wouldn’t separate without knowing exactly what the problem is. 

Post # 16
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Frustrated_bee:  I’ve read your previous thread. I think it would be different if you had not had these issues right from the start. Everyone goes through dry spells but it seems like this has lasted the entire relationship. I am not a fan of waiting until marriage for sex except for religious reasons because the risk for unpleasant surprises becomes greater (there is a difference between a man who wants to wait to honor God and a man who wants to wait because he has a weak sex drive and/or really doesn’t care).

I wouldn’t separate right away but you really need to let him know that you regard this as a major issue and it needs to be fixed.

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