Post # 1
Posting under another name here than the one I usually use on the hive!
Anyhow, I’m hoping for some advice or maybe just to vent. FI and I have been together almost 4 years and engaged almost 6 months. Since our engagement, we have only had sex once. For some background, the first few months we were intimate a few times a week. After that probably just once or twice a month. And, it has now dwindled to nothing.
I try to talk to him about this but he gets extremely defensive. He says that he has felt sick for months and is not interested. He also says that he does not watch porn or masturbate. Basically I think he is lying about that and I have called him out on it. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even try to make a move because he is always complaining about some sort of physical ailment. It’s a turn off and I know he will say now. I have also lost weight recently (I was never big but am just more fit now) and he says taht he is attracted to me.
I just don’t know what to do and need major help. Any other bees have similar issues? I am not an overly sexual person but at least once a month is important to me.
Post # 3
He needs to go to the doctor. It could be something very serious. Have him write down ALL of his symptoms and get him to a doctor. You said he has been sick for months, has he been tested for health problems? Unless he is under an extreme amount of stress then this is not normal.
Post # 4
I agree 100% that he needs to go to a doctor. Guys are very stubborn about not going to the doctor but this isn’t something that will go away. I have some physical problems that make sex difficult but I understand it and I try to have sex with my husband to maintain our relationship. I wouldn’t assume that your FI is lying, he might have a serious health problem but he needs to figure that out.
Post # 5
FI and I are the same way. He claims not to masturbate and I actually believe him on that (we live together). He is never interested. He never makes the first move, never gets random hard-ons like other guys say they do, and if it weren’t for me coming on to him I don’t think he’d realize anything was missing. This is highly upsetting for me because just as you, our first time together we had sex 8 times in one night. Where did that person go?
I wish he would come on to me sometimes. When I try to talk to him about it he gets really offensive, like your FI. My FI was on accutane for his acne in high school for a while and apparently that’s messed up his sex drive. Maybe if your FI used to take medicine or is currently taking medicine you can look up the side effects. When I found this out, it made me feel better. It wasn’t my fault anymore. It just makes me angry that he’d rather play farmville than be intimate once every two weeks. Aren’t men supposed to be unsatiable?!
Hope you get it figured out.
Post # 6
Could he be on some type of medication? I know people who take anti depressants lose some of their sex drive. I agree with the PP, he should go see a doctor.
Post # 7
As a follow-up, he has had a sinus infection for months and is on medication and has been seeing the doctor. I just see him doing all of his other everyday things EXCEPT for being intimate with me. I just want it to get better and not progressively worse (intimacy-wise). I want him to be well too!
Post # 8
@lolo21 OMG I think we are dating the same person. He is playing video games and watching football simultaneously right now! He is on a lot of different medications so maybe I can look into side effects for those and chat with him about it.
Post # 9
@chelsea33: Definitely do that! It’s been the cause of so many fights and ridiculous arguments.
Post # 10
Medicine for sinuses, like benadryl will cause a low sex drive because those drugs surpress the nervous system. You need to have your Autonomic NS and your somatic NS working properly to have a orgasm. Otherwise it is very hard to have an orgasm.
Post # 11
@chelsea33: I have depression and the depression itself can cause diminished sex drive…and symptoms of mild depression *can* be things like spending all your time playing video games and watching football (although those are also “guy” things to do so take that with a grain of salt!). As a PP mentioned, certain anti-depressants and other medications can also affect sex drive.
But I don’t think that a diminished sex drive necessarily has to do with sexual attraction (considering men will have sex with trees 🙂 so I wouldn’t assume that it’s something that has to do with the way you look–it tends to be because of more emotional causes. I understand why your guy might get defensive since culturally-speaking, men are supposed to be Cassanovas, but I think that he needs to hear you out. Far be it for me to dictate what should be ‘normal,’ but less than 1/month IS on the light side and more than that, you aren’t happy with the frequency. He should be interested in working with you, not fighting you on it.
Post # 12
Like several people have already commented, many, MANY medications can lower libido. I don’t think it’s you, and he’s probably self councious about it knowing you want more. Performance is a BIG deal to guys, and it he’s feeling like he can’t, or can’t maintain a… performance… then he might feel safer just avoiding it. If this isnt TMI, my BF seems… affected posivitely… by certain foods, like fresh fruits and certain spices. It’s like pulling teeth sometimes to get a guy to the doctor – you might make a big deal about getting a yearly check-up yourself, and asking him to go with you, then suggest he get one, too since he’ll be there? Kinda lead by example instead of letting him treat it as nagging?
Is your fiance under a lot of stress at work/school or with family or finances? Has he lost/gained any weight where HE could be uncomfortable with you seeing him unclothed? My BF has said that when he’s sick or knows he’s not been exercising, he feels unattractive and doesn’t feel “in-the-mood”. Maybe if you can get him intersted in active couples things, like walking/jogging together, swimming, hiking, biking, , he might get out of his funk – exercise releases endorphins and can lead to a natural feel-good high.
I hope this isn’t off-base, and that it doesn’t offend anyone, but have you thought of any types of, um… toys… that you can experiement with together (but never on your own, only with him presnet or participating so he doesn’t see it as a replacement), in the event he feels he mght not be able to finish the task? Something a little naughty and new might help shake him out of what ever is wrong… and knowing that there is other, um, “equipment” on hand in case he feels things aren’t at their optimum or there is a timing problem, he can feel he won’t be leaving you hanging, which might get back his confidence if handled correctly – sorry if that sounds weird.
Post # 13
This is my relationship to a “t,” it hurts to not feel wanted anymore…I’m sorry you are going through this too…