Post # 1
New Bee Here 🙂
After creeping around for awhile it seems like these boards are a very positive and friendly place so I have gathered enough courage to feel comfortable to post about a problem I’m looking for advice on.
SO and I are both 24, we have been together for 1 year and living together for 7 months. We get along great, we are best friends, and talk frequently about getting married, etc… basically have a great relationship.
SO is a pretty happy, chill guy, but can lose his temper easily when he gets frustrated or impatient. Today for example, he was helping me do some financial stuff over instant messenger while we are both at work (it was time sensitive so we had to get it done there and then) and he got frustrated that what we were doing didnt turn out the way he wanted it to, got annoyed at me, then lost it. He always has a picture in his mind of the way things need to go and if he doesnt go that way he basically gets pissed off and horrible. I spoke to his parents about this and they said he has always been like that. I usually assume it is immaturity, and even if it isnt, it is a part of him and I would gladly take still, as it comes with a wonderful human being overall aside from that. He also always appologizes a few hours later and thanks me for putting up with his moods.
Today however, i’m PMS’y and just generally in a bad mood. Being a very sensitive person I got upset and went and cried in the bathroom at work. *ughhh*.
What im bascially wondering if any of you fine ladies on here also are in a relationship with a man who can lose his temper easily (over stupid things), and what are the ways you deal with it? Normally i ignore him, but on a day when not feeling my normal self I think I need to find a way to better deal. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
@LibraryBlondie: that’s a tough situation. I personally am not in your position. I can’t handle someone like that because it would just make me mad.lol and that would be a lose lose situation.
My Uncle is like your SO and my Aunt is like you. They have been married for 40 years and she has gotten very good at ignoring his tamtrums. But there is a line that he isn’t allowed to cross. (name calling, hitting, the big stuff). So she let’s him piss and moan because that is just the way he is and then he gets over it. Tell him what your line is. Tell him he upsets you when he over reacts like that. It’s not fair to take it out on you because something didn’t go the way he would have liked it to. Everytime he does it to the point of bothering you, let him know.
Post # 4
Yes. But it’s definitely a “you need to know what you’re choosing to tolerate” situation. Our counselor identified my guy as a perfectionist, and not immature. The desire for perfection at all times causes him to react poorly in normal situations where someone would just cut their losses and label it as bad luck. He never screams at me. He never throws anything. He never calls me names. But I know his personality enough to know that some times I just need to give him a second to vent and just ignore him. HOWEVER, if he’s being snippy with ME over a silly situation, I call him out. Either then or later once he cools off. I’ve explained to him time and time again that he needs to be more patient with me cause I can’t handle him getting that frustrated with me over situations that don’t warrant that level of frustration. It doesn’t happen often. But it happens. He claims he isn’t frustrated with me but rather the “situation.” I also explained to him that my involvement in the situation makes me a victim of the frustration he has.
Anyways. Point is. Frustration like that CAN be a sign of emotional immaturity. But it can also be a sign of a perfectionist attitude. You need to know where you draw the line though. You’ll never totally change someone’s natural personality, but you need to know when they’ve oerstepped their bounds and let them know they’ve moved into hurtful territory. While a temperment like that does require some understanding on your part and understanding about when you just need to ignore them till they cool off, that doesn’t mean you should be doing all the work. It’s still a 2 way street. It’s good that he recognizes he has moods and apologizes. At the end of the day though, simply allowing yourself to fly off the handle whenever you want and think it’s ok cause you’ll just apologize later is not ok. He needs to learn to practice some self control.
You’re always gonna have a bad day from time to time. Happens in any relationship with strong differing personalities. But so long as it’s something you’re working on and you’re happy, that’s what matters. Sorry you had a bad day. 🙁 Sorry this was so long.
Post # 5
Welcome! I thought I’d come by because I am like your Fiance. :). It’s not that I have a short temper, it’s that I have this expectation that everything should go perfectly/easily for me. Like right now I am yelling at the autocorrect in my iPad lol. But at some point, it becomes a choice to recognize that you’re reacting in a certain way and change it or just say you need a moment to calm down. Some days it’s exhausting to try to make everything go perfectly!
Post # 6
Yes, my ex-husband was like this. It had to do with a selfish, entitled attitude on his part that no situation or person could dare to go any way but HIS way and he was Prince Charming…until something (anything, nothing) set him off. He drank so that didn’t help.
I don’t know what to tell you. I think it was part immaturity, part selfishness, part never having been taught that in life you don’t always get your way and how to handle it when you don’t or when things go wrong.
That’s about all I have, I divorced him and he’s still the same 10+ years later. He’s just not MY problem anymore.
Post # 7
My husband has what we call “the rage.” Every male in his family has it, dad, uncle, cousins…but it’s NEVER directed at me. He gets angry and yells at things that aren’t working the way he wants them to (usually techno devices), and I hate the yelling, but I also never feel belittled. It’s become a bit of a joke amongst the wives in the family.
Post # 8
Thanks for the comments everyone!
He is a prefectionist, I didnt even think to associate it with the situation *duhhh*. but now it makes sence haha.
It’s good to hear that others have dealt with similar behaviour. We spoke a bit last night when he got home, he said he was just frustrated with the situation in general and it isnt me. I called my mum too and she reminded me that he just needs some space and he will be fine (which he was! haha) I play a part too because I tend to esclate the frustration by pestering him and not giving him space to chill. These situations dont occur very often, but we agreed that when it happens again that im just going to back off and leave him to it, then we can discuss when he is more relaxed.
Post # 9
Sounds like my fiance. It sucks, but it’s part of who he is. I just ignore him while he throws his tantrums.
Post # 10
@reine_de_rien: sounds like mine too! I just ignore him and he eventually settles down.
Post # 11
yep he sure does lol but i give him his space so he can cool down
Post # 12
@missrobots: Yes. This is pretty much exactly my DH! He definitely has “the rage” but I have never felt belittled or scared. It’s directed at mostly electronics or vehicles.
Post # 13
My fiance has an anger problem. He has never been angry at me, but he knows it bothers me when he blows up at other people, so it’s something we have started working on and he has improved a lot. For him, a lot of it has to do with his upbringing. He was never encouraged as a child to express himself or tell people how he felt, and he is a pretty sensitive guy. When something is bothering him, he internalizes it and doesn’t let on that he is upset until it reaches a certain point and he yells at someone, even if that person isn’t the cause of the built up frustration. He is never violent or anything, he usually just yells something then feel guilty about it for a day or two.
One thing that really helped was talking openly about the problem. Once he started to realize what he was doing and how his reactions were perceived by others he began to control himself better. We got a book called ‘The Anger Habit,’ which discusses the source of anger and how different people deal with it. That has been especially helpful.