Ladies that have UPGRADED, I need advice for a friend. (LONG)

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 2
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

mggBoyles:  you lost me at the fact they are planning a ‘real’ wedding.  Are they not already married?  So…that would make this a vow renewal….they are already husband and wife.

If they were minimalist then throwing a big ‘wedding’ wouldn’t matter and the substance of their relationship would be what matters.

They are married, so they need to identify this as what it is…a vow renewal.

Post # 3
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

mggBoyles:  

My first engagement ring was very tiny. I hated it but my husband promised to buy me a beautiful wedding band. It turned out that the tiny ring was defective, so as we were walking past a jewellery store, my husband said “Let’s get you a ring that is as beautiful as you. Pick something.”

I laughed and said “Anything?” while pointing at a ring that was 20K. My husband laughed too and whispered a budget in my ears. He saw a set and told me that those rings were meant for me. I loved the set when I tried it on.

Your friend’s husband sounds very selfish. The upgrade issue is just a symptom of that. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  amiona.
Post # 4
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

LDay1983:  

I agree with the terminology. However, I have noticed that many military couples refer to their vow renewals as weddings because they had to get married quickly.

I am renewing my vows next year but my family refers to it as my “wedding”…as far as they are concerned, my elopement was not my wedding. Go figure huh? 

Post # 5
Member
5421 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

mggBoyles:  it’s a tough one, because it sounds like she’s already broached the subject and was met with a less than understanding reaction. 

My ring is technically an upgrade, though it’s a replica of my original ring; TCW is the same, but it’s platinum rather than white gold and the diamonds are D VVS excellent-cut instead of I SI2 good/very good cut. In my case, I broached it gently, but directly. However, it was easier because a) I chose the original ring and b) I didn’t want something bigger (which can be an issue I think). That said, I did want something ‘better’ (let’s not beat around the bush!). My OH was fine with it; he wasn’t angry or upset, and didn’t sulk. I explained that the reason was because I hadn’t done my research into white gold, and hadn’t realised how much the re-dipping would bug me with a ring I was wearing daily. Added to that, at £50 a year it wouldn’t be cheap in the long-run. Yes, I did also upgrade the specs of the diamonds; but the difference in cost was negligible (my ring is a cluster and so the stones are small). 

Obviously your friend’s situation is different as he chose the ring, and it’s going to be obvious that the reason she wants an upgrade is because she wants a bigger ring. So, I would say she can either be honest with him and risk upsetting/annoying him, or, she can but herself a ring. Without knowing them or their relationship I don’t know which would be the better option, but would possibly lean towards the latter in these particular circumstances. If he spends a lot on his gadgets, there should be nothing stopping her from spending money in jewellery; but she can’t dictate that he’s the one to buy it for her. 

Post # 8
Member
2927 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Hurm? How did I bring it up? Well when we got engaged awhile back I seriously could not find what I was looking for and he had a smaller budget so he knew that the ring we picked was a “close enough” ring but not my “forever” ring. Although, when our 2yr wedding anniversary was coming up he asked me what I wanted, I brought up my ring and the fact we were better off financially. He was a smidge disappointed because he is way more sentimental than I am. But I reminded him how I simply could not find what I wanted at the time of our engagement and that he did do a good job with what we had to work with. He then confessed that he did not like round stones and preferred princess cuts. So that’s what got him to warm up to the idea and he told me he just wanted me to be happy with what I am wearing.

Post # 9
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

mggBoyles:  

The upgrade issue isn’t really your problem either, though I can see why you would be concerned for your friend.

It is sad when wives and husbands have to tiptoe around each other to share honesty. 

Post # 10
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

mggBoyles:  semantics.  A wedding is the act of becoming wed, which they are.  They are married…They CHOSE to get married quickly in order to obtain military benefits and now that it suits them better they want a big party?  There’s consequences to choices…in this case they had a wedding – just not a big one.  Doesn’t make it any less valid.

Post # 11
Member
2927 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’d like to add that my husband is a very self-less person and would want to give me the world but even I had to tred lightly on this topic because the guys want to feel like “they did a good job” and if she brings it up again to make sure she points out that he did good with the budget that they had at the time but she is very proud to be married to him and wants a little more bling that shouts “I’m taken by this man and am proud of it!” Not to say that if you wear very little bling that your not proud to be married. Stroking a guys ego never hurts….lol 

Post # 12
Member
13012 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t think he’s hurt that she wants a bigger ring, it sounds like he’s just being selffish and cheap to me.  What’s a 1/8 ct ring, $200 maybe?  His TV and computer cost way more than that and will be obsolete in a few years.  If they can afford way more than that, there’s no reason she shouldn’t have something a little bigger that she loves.  What about him considering her feelings?

Post # 14
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

mggBoyles:  sure I did…where you said they’re minimalistic but want to throw a ‘wedding’ because (despite the marriage license and the fact they have been benefitting from spousal status for the past 6 years) the first one wasn’t ‘real’.  Oh, and her new ring isn’t good enough.  

They sound lovely.

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