Weddingbee boards

Ladies! As the title indicates...I need some advice!! :-)

A bit of background to bring you to where I am today. My fiancee' and I met 7 yrs ago. Things were great (!!!) for the first 4 years or so. We had a "life"...went out with friends, socialized, hiked, biked, camped...overall very active lifestyle. We got engaged New Years Eve 2007 in Times Square. Total surprise to all as he did this without any of our friends/family knowing. Got down on one knee...popped open the box, etc. The whole nine! Sounds perfect, right!?! It was the best night ever! :-)

Then long about a mere 2 months later, things started to take a slight turn and it's not gotten really any better (actually worse) since. Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought an engagement was supposed to be a happy time in your life. One where you can actually "talk" about the future. I know it won't all be roses and sunshine, but to even bring up the topic...is that forbidden? For me/us...unfortunately this is true. We haven't talked about anything since he asked. Wait, I should say, if I bring it up, he changes the topic, or doesn't speak of it at all. I can honestly say, he has never mentioned the word marriage ever since the night he asked me. (Now here's me and as you can only imagine as excited as a new bride would be, I went out a little over a month after he asked me and found my perfect dress (ahh, the first one I tried :-), veil, shoes, etc. I'm pretty set. All of these items still sit today in a salon, waiting to even be worn. The store manager said, you can come and see your dress anytime until alterations need t/b made. I went down a few times in the beginning, now...maybe once last year...it makes me sad to think I may never wear it. Needless to say, little did I know that this was going to happen, I would've waited to purchase it.

The problem at hand as I said is the fact that he won't breathe the words marriage/wedding/future, etc. He's self employed and I know the economy is bothering him, but I've even said when he wasn't working at all, I don't need a $60,000 wedding. His family says he wants to give me the best he can. I am grateful for that, but when someone doesn't speak of anything to do with the future, leaves one wondering what the timeframe is here. I am not 23 years of age anymore. As 3 years have passed, I sit and wonder is it ever going to happen. He has separated us from our friends because he's says he's tired all the time and doesn't want to go out (very hard for me b/c I am a social person-whereas he is not) We don't talk anymore. It's "shop" talk, if anything. I've been putting on that happy face for awhile now. I am not happy and tired of lying first and foremost to myself and then others and they think everything is picture perfect between us. If not that, it's arguing...more so constant b/c I am frustrated and he's not giving in for anything. Of my family who knows what is going on, have said it's time! Time for him to either get it together and follow through with this or you need to take a break and figure is this really what you want?

So, 7 years later...the last 3 engaged...no children, no mortgage, and most importantly, no committment, etc...what to do?  

@kericita:

I am most certain he is depressed. As I mentioned he owns his own business and we all know the economy is unstable, but even when it was good 2 yrs ago, he didn't talk about the future. It's as though he put the ring on my finger...bells/sirens/whistles all went off...everyone's happy as can be and then slowly it all just disappeared as if it never happened. He says he loves me. I do love him, but I think the hardest part is that nothing is ever brought up...not like he's even the slightest bit excited about us or anything. Sad is the fact that when people ask me, hey when's the big day, I can't even get excited anymore. He always replies...when there's money, then we'll get married. Well, what's it going to be when we talk family, etc. It's like we're roommates, instead of an engaged couple. :-(...

@MissAsB:

What's even more concerning to me is that the friends we had together...all gone. As they've even said, no relationship is that squeaky clean/perfect. You do need friends. His big thing is don't tell anyone about what's going on with us. Well, who should I ask for advice then. I know my family loves/supports me (and they really like him too), but I'm sure my family is tired of me asking for their advice. None of them have ever gone through something like this. It's always been the question gets asked and the next natural thing to do is to say I do. I feel as though it's a "status quo" kind of a lifestyle. I mean I am really not asking for anything except to even say hey, what do you think maybe a wedding next year, etc. A start to something...anything.

@MissHobbit:

That's why I think it would be a good thing to take a break. I need to re-eval things for myself and maybe during that time, he can do the same for himself. I never thought that this would be happening. I figured just the opposite. I have said to him that we should take a break and he gets ticked, but what else can be done? Continue to live like this? It makes no sense to me to do that.

@kericita:

Yes, I have suggested counseling to him. He won't have anything to do with it. Me on the other hand, I finally said enough and went on my own. I am realizing what I do vs what I really don't want/need in my life. For me I have always been a people pleaser. Well, that's maybe why I've let things go as long as they have and just put on the happy face. Lately, I've just said to myself, enough is enough. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to know after 7 years, where (or if there is) this relationship is going and stop living status quo. Not comparing myself to others, but others can do it, why can't we take that that next step?  

@MissAsB:

Thanks, that's what I have said to him. If you don't think you are really ready after all, just please be honest with me and tell me. He knows I know he loves me, and I love him too, but if you are ready then let's do this and if not, it's time for a break. If it's meant to be, great. If not, then not, but this is not good what's happening now and a change needs to happen one way or another.

@15happyyears:

Thanks! I agree, the man I miss the most is the man I met how many years ago. We used to do fun stuff, go out, socialize, etc. I think a break to figure things out would be a good thing. I know I am not really the person I was back then (10lbs lighter...lol), but still, I am here. Without putting blame out there...he just seems much more interested in his work than in his relationship or the future thereof it. I wish things were different and I've asked, but...

Thank you girls for listening and your advice! I'll keep you posted. Hope for the best. Have a great night!  

@Jazziberry:

Thank you!! Yes, trying to keep a level head and an open mind on the situation as a whole as it could go one way or another. Not sure which way it will turn out, but hoping for the best either way. More I read the advice from you girls, the more I do feel that a break is needed and then take it from there. Will keep you posted. :-)