Post # 1
How many of you have hyphenated or kept your maiden? I am having a tough time with my fiance. Or I might be about to. Quite a while before he actually proposed, I told him that I wanted to either keep my last name or hyphenate. My kids have my last name, and I would like to keep it that way. My fiance doesn’t understand whatsoever. He thinks it’s dumb that I want to get married but keep my name. When I had brought it up, he told me we might as well just not get married then. That was a couple of years ago, and I haven’t brought it up now that we are engaged. I feel like it’s going to be a touchy subject, and an uphill battle I’m not sure I want to fight. It’s not like we are in the phone book, so if my kids have friends that are trying to call the house, well it’s all cell phones now. I remember as a kid trying to get a hold of friends whose moms had remarried was impossible. Beyond that, I think it’s nice for all the formal stuff to have cohesion. Like in school, medical emergencies, etc.
Backstory: My kids have my last name because I made the mistake of getting pregnant twice with two men who pretended to love me. I was left pregnant and alone both times only to have custody battles later. Lots of heartache and embarassment for me in our town. Anyway, my kids got my maiden name. My older daughter would love it if we all could change our last names to my fiance’s so I looked into it. I guess the dads would have to agree, and that is not going to happen. They are already pissed I didn’t use their last names.
So bees, what is your advice? Am I being too picky and in this day and age it doesn’t matter, or do I have a point? If you hyphenated or kept your own, how did you bring it up? What was his reaction, and how did you change his mind if you needed to do that? Thanks!
Post # 2
I will be keeping my last name when we get married. My fiance didn’t like it at first, but it is MY last name not his. He’s come around to it since the first time we talked about it. Our future kids will have hyphenated last names.
Post # 3
Even if he is pissy about it, in your situation I 100% agree that you should keep at least part of your last name so that your children will be identifiable to you for exactly the reasons you mentioned: ease at hospitals, emergencies, etc. If you aren’t able to change your children’s names to your FI’s last name, then hypenate. He’ll just have to deal. The necessity here is for your kids, not just cus you don’t feel like it.
Post # 4
PeachyMama: If you plan on having anymore kids, and you’re concerned about your kids sharing your last name (which I feel the same way about), I would think about hyphenating your name. If not, it might be nice to hyphenate it just to give off the “family status.” However, it’s your choice.
I’m getting my Ph.D. so the name thing was always a professional situation for me. When I first starting dating my SO, I told him that if we get married (he brought up the topic first), I would keep my last name because it’s very important in my career, and I don’t want to be concerned with having two names on my work and the confusion that follows it. He just said, “Whatever you want.” He really had no opinion. As time went on, I warmed up to just changing my name anyways… mainly because I want to share a last name with my children. It will also be nice to share my stepson’s last name, because I am very active in his life.
Post # 5
I kept my last name, he was fine with it. He said he would not want to change his name so why should he expect me to change mine? Also, we have two children (after getting married) who both have the same last name as me (and his last name as 2nd middle name).
Post # 6
PeachyMama: Wow lots of things going on in this post. First I’d like to saw how sorry I am that your FI isn’t very understanding about your decision on name change. Second, may I ask why you’re not allowed to change your children’s names? I’m not familiar with the process.
I didn’t keep my maiden name. But my husband didn’t pressure me into changing my name. He was very understanding. However I know he wanted me to take his last name. I don’t think he would have ever gotten as snarky as your FI but I don’t know.
I think the very fact that you want to keep your name is a point in itself. I don’t think you need to justify anymore than that. Is this a break situation for your FI? Because if it is, you may want to sit and talk to him on why it’s so important for you to have his last name. is it because of an ego? If you have children with him will you name them after his last name? he may just be overreacting on something that isn’t as big of a deal as he thinks it is.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
In your situation I think it is a perfect compromise to hyphenate! You have very good reasons for wanting to keep your last name.
Post # 8
I think when you have kids it’s a whole different ballgame about name changes (you have to think about multiple people, not just yourself) and I can see how much of a PITA it’d be to have kids with a different last name when it comes to forms and legal stuff.
When I get married I’ll be changing my last name. FI thinks a name change is part of family unity. I don’t really care one way or another, I can use my maiden name whenever I feel like it anyway. I’ll keep my maiden name on my personal stuff, like my car and bank account.
Post # 9
It seems to me it would be easier for your fiance to change his name to match you and your two childrens’, if he is dead set on you all having the same name (one person inconvenienced instead of three – hard to argue with that logic). So ask him to change his. If he refuses, ask him why and listen carefully to his answer. It will probably be something along the lines of, “This is my name, I always expected to keep it, it will be a pain to change it, everyone will want to know why, I will have to get a new license, etc. etc.” When he’s done, say,
“I totally understand! That is EXACTLY how I feel about changing my name! So I guess the solution is we both just keep our names!”
If he is relatively logical and non-chauvinistic, he is going to have a hard time turning his own argument for not changing his name into an argument about why you should change yours.
Post # 10
PeachyMama: I don’t have advice, just a story for you.
I have a friend with 3 kids and a husband. Her oldest is not her husbands biologically. But, she has his last name. And her bio dad is still in the picture.
Her oldest had her maiden name as well. When she married, she took bio dad to court to request the child’s name be changed to her new last name, so that they all matched as a family.
The judge granted it. Since the child had never shared a name with her bio dad, the judge felt it was right the child share moms new name.
Its definitely something to look into.Id think any judge would want children to match at least one parent, name-wise.
Post # 11
You are not being too picky. It is your name, and you get to decide this all by yourself. 100%. I very strongly believe this. It is not your fiance’s decision to make, and I would not hesitate to hold firm on that point (in a nice way, but still).
I kept my birth name, but it was not a problem for my husband, who might be even more of a feminist than I am. He totally got why I didn’t want to change it, and we barely discussed it. So I lucked out there.
You don’t need to have any reason at all to want to keep your name, but if you DID need reasons, you have 2 very good ones — your kids. Wanting to keep the same last name as they have should be completely understandable to your fiance. I’m guessing he would not entertain changing his last name to yours? 🙂
Post # 12
I didn’t change. His brother’s wife didn’t change. His sister changed. There was no way that I would ever have the same Mrs. name as my MIL.
Our daughters were given hyphenated last names His last-My last.
His brother gave his kids hyphenated last names Her last-His last and his wife insisted that was the correct way to do ti. (Bleh …).
When our daughter’s got married they both changed to their husband’s last names only. They were sick of dealing with the hyphens. There was a lot of drama, on my part, when the first one married, because she always said she wouldn’t change, but they dated for 9.5 years, so I guess she gave in.
Post # 13
ohnatto: this exactly. +1000!
Post # 14
You don’t need a “reason” to keep your name other than you want to: it’s your damn name.
I kept my last name legally, but took on DH’s at work/socially. That is because it was what I wanted to do. He was cool with whatever I wanted. We discussed hyphenating BOTH our names, but he owns his own business, and it’s named after his full name, so he would end up going by just his name in most scenarios, so it seemed pointless.
Anyway, point is: your name, your choice.
Post # 15
hippopotamus: Okay that is a story I haven’t heard! Everything I read on the internet says the non-custodial parent has to agree to the name change. Apparently the court will petition them and give them a say. I can guarentee they will say no. Even if they were not involved, I read that they have to owe more than 2 years back child support and basically total losers for the judge to grant a name change if the dad says no. That is not the case. When my first one was born, her dad tried bringing his new girlfriend in to see her, saying she was going to be her step-mommy. No way! They have since gotten married and my daughter is forced to call her mom at their house. He tried forcing his last name on her. Nope. No way. Since we weren’t married, naming her was up to me. Now that she has a name, it’s like it’s set in stone. Maybe it’s different if the last name isn’t the dads name. My second daughters’ dad didn’t see her until she was 9 months old. His family found out and told him to step up. We never got back together, but he is in her life and is basically a good weekend dad. His mom and sister help out a lot. They are also upset she does not share their family name, mainly because half the county has that last name. Actually, my future step-son and my daughter are second cousins. My fiance’s ex-wife and my ex are cousins. It’s so weird. They see each other at the family reunions when they are with the other sides.
My fiance and I are not able to have children together. I’ve had a hysterectomy. I’m not sure why he is so against it, other than he thinks women should have their husbands last name. It’s funny because when it comes to traditional roles, he will cook and help clean house with no problem. He is also the most easy going guy about everything else. This, not so much.