Last name change – touchy subject

posted 2 years ago in Names
  • poll: Last Name Change
    I hyphenated, he was fine with it : (2 votes)
    6 %
    I hyphenated, he was not happy about it : (1 votes)
    3 %
    I kept my last name, he was fine with it : (26 votes)
    81 %
    I kept my last name, he was not happy about it : (3 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    172 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I will be keeping my last name when we get married. My fiance didn’t like it at first, but it is MY last name not his. He’s come around to it since the first time we talked about it. Our future kids will have hyphenated last names.

    Post # 3
    Member
    302 posts
    Helper bee

    Even if he is pissy about it, in your situation I 100% agree that you should keep at least part of your last name so that your children will be identifiable to you for exactly the reasons you mentioned: ease at hospitals, emergencies, etc. If you aren’t able to change your children’s names to your FI’s last name, then hypenate. He’ll just have to deal. The necessity here is for your kids, not just cus you don’t feel like it. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    2566 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    PeachyMama:  If you plan on having anymore kids, and you’re concerned about your kids sharing your last name (which I feel the same way about), I would think about hyphenating your name.  If not, it might be nice to hyphenate it just to give off the “family status.”  However, it’s your choice.

    I’m getting my Ph.D. so the name thing was always a professional situation for me. When I first starting dating my SO, I told him that if we get married (he brought up the topic first), I would keep my last name because it’s very important in my career, and I don’t want to be concerned with having two names on my work and the confusion that follows it.  He just said, “Whatever you want.” He really had no opinion.  As time went on, I warmed up to just changing my name anyways… mainly because I want to share a last name with my children.  It will also be nice to share my stepson’s last name, because I am very active in his life.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1721 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I kept my last name, he was fine with it.  He said he would not want to change his name so why should he expect me to change mine?  Also, we have two children (after getting married) who both have the same last name as me (and his last name as 2nd middle name).

    Post # 6
    Member
    3530 posts
    Sugar bee

    PeachyMama:  Wow lots of things going on in this post.  First I’d like to saw how sorry I am that your FI isn’t very understanding about your decision on name change.  Second, may I ask why you’re not allowed to change your children’s names?  I’m not familiar with the process.

    I didn’t keep my maiden name.  But my husband didn’t pressure me into changing my name.  He was very understanding.  However I know he wanted me to take his last name.  I don’t think he would have ever gotten as snarky as your FI but I don’t know.

    I think the very fact that you want to keep your name is a point in itself.  I don’t think you need to justify anymore than that.  Is this a break situation for your FI?  Because if it is, you may want to sit and talk to him on why it’s so important for you to have his last name.  is it because of an ego? If you have children with him will you name them after his last name?  he may just be overreacting on something that isn’t as big of a deal as he thinks it is.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2913 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

    In your situation I think it is a perfect compromise to hyphenate! You have very good reasons for wanting to keep your last name. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    195 posts
    Blushing bee

    I think when you have kids it’s a whole different ballgame about name changes (you have to think about multiple people, not just yourself) and I can see how much of a PITA it’d be to have kids with a different last name when it comes to forms and legal stuff. 

    When I get married I’ll be changing my last name. FI thinks a name change is part of family unity. I don’t really care one way or another, I can use my maiden name whenever I feel like it anyway. I’ll keep my maiden name on my personal stuff, like my car and bank account.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1131 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    It seems to me it would be easier for your fiance to change his name to match you and your two childrens’, if he is dead set on you all having the same name (one person inconvenienced instead of three – hard to argue with that logic). So ask him to change his. If he refuses, ask him why and listen carefully to his answer. It will probably be something along the lines of, “This is my name, I always expected to keep it, it will be a pain to change it, everyone will want to know why, I will have to get a new license, etc. etc.” When he’s done, say,

    “I totally understand! That is EXACTLY how I feel about changing my name! So I guess the solution is we both just keep our names!”

    If he is relatively logical and non-chauvinistic, he is going to have a hard time turning his own argument for not changing his name into an argument about why you should change yours.

    Post # 10
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    PeachyMama:  I don’t have advice, just a story for you.

    I have a friend with 3 kids and a husband. Her oldest is not her husbands biologically. But, she has his last name. And her bio dad is still in the picture.  

    Her oldest had her maiden name as well. When she married, she took bio dad to court to request the child’s name be changed to her new last name, so that they all matched as a family. 

    The judge granted it. Since the child had never shared a name with her bio dad, the judge felt it was right the child share moms new name. 

    Its definitely something to look into.Id think any judge would want children to match at least one parent, name-wise.

    Good luck!

    Post # 11
    Member
    4410 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    You are not being too picky. It is your name, and you get to decide this all by yourself. 100%. I very strongly believe this. It is not your fiance’s decision to make, and I would not hesitate to hold firm on that point (in a nice way, but still). 

    I kept my birth name, but it was not a problem for my husband, who might be even more of a feminist than I am. He totally got why I didn’t want to change it, and we barely discussed it. So I lucked out there. 

    You don’t need to have any reason at all to want to keep your name, but if you DID need reasons, you have 2 very good ones — your kids. Wanting to keep the same last name as they have should be completely understandable to your fiance. I’m guessing he would not entertain changing his last name to yours? 🙂 

    Post # 12
    Member
    3707 posts
    Sugar bee

    I didn’t change. His brother’s wife didn’t change. His sister changed. There was no way that I would ever have the same Mrs. name as my MIL.

    Our daughters were given hyphenated last names His last-My last.

    His brother gave his kids hyphenated last names Her last-His last and his wife insisted that was the correct way to do ti. (Bleh …).

    When our daughter’s got married they both changed to their husband’s last names only. They were sick of dealing with the hyphens. There was a lot of drama, on my part, when the first one married, because she always said she wouldn’t change, but they dated for 9.5 years, so I guess she gave in.

    Post # 13
    Member
    4410 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    ohnatto:  this exactly. +1000!

    Post # 14
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    You don’t need a “reason” to keep your name other than you want to: it’s your damn name.

    I kept my last name legally, but took on DH’s at work/socially. That is because it was what I wanted to do. He was cool with whatever I wanted. We discussed hyphenating BOTH our names, but he owns his own business, and it’s named after his full name, so he would end up going by just his name in most scenarios, so it seemed pointless.

    Anyway, point is: your name, your choice. 

    • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  .
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