Lazy fiance vent… Long

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

That sounds like something you really should be discussing in a non-confrontational way. Its not something that is going to change ‘just because’. You both have to come to an understanding of what each persons responsibilities are. How you view teamwork and house work and when the list of responsibilities will change.   You may no see his point of view accurately and he may not see yours until its clearly expressed without blaming the other person.

MANY couples have arguments and trouble with this in the earlier years of a relationship and unless you get it straigtened out now, its not going to change.

Post # 4
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Your FI sounds super immature. I never understand these threads – why would you be with someone who EXPECTS you to do everything around the house? It would honestly piss me off more than I can even explain.

That said, I do probably 85% of the stuff around the house. SO is in law school and is either at school or studying from 9 AM to 9 PM. I work full-time from 8:30 to 4:30 and other than studying for the GRE, I don’t have much to do outside of work. So, in our situation, it makes sense that I do the majority of the housework, because I have the vast majority of the free time. When we first graduated college, it was the opposite. I was working like 5 AM to 5 PM and would come home absolutely exhausted (I was teaching at the time); SO was only taking grad classes at night, no job. During that year, he did almost all of the cleaning and a decent amount of the cooking. When our situations reversed, IT WASN’T EVEN A DISCUSSION. It was just a natural shift, because it made sense for both of us.

I would be totally upfront with him and explain why he AT MINIMUM needs to do more around the house. I would also let him know that it isn’t acceptable that he isn’t looking for jobs. 

Ugh. I am frustrated for you! Good luck.

Post # 5
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@MichiganGirl24:  we were going through something similar recently, I do everything, he does nothing and I’m pregnant to boot. I literally had a breakdown one day, crying and all and I just told him I can’t keep up with all of my responsibilities. I exained that I NEED his help and I’m going to have a mental break if he doesn’t step up soon, because I can’t do it all! He got the point and has been helping a lot more since

Post # 8
5763 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You need to sit down and have a calm talk not just about who does what around the house, but what things you can do to cut down on the total chore list so there’s less to do and less to bicker over.  As an example, if the only thing preventing you from taking the trash out is that your current garbage can doesn’t have wheels, then buy a garbage can that has wheels (or post a Wanted on your local craigslist or freecycle and see if someone will gift it to you).  I’m not saying you have to do all the work— he has to pull his fair share as well– but removing the opportunity for conflict is often the best way to not end up fighting.

Post # 10
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

@MichiganGirl24: He also wonders/complains about why we don’t have sex but once a week. When I go to bed angry every night of the week except Saturday, the last thing I want to do is have sex with you.

This times a million. I wish I had words of advice, but I don’t because you basically just described my life. I hate it. I don’t know how to get through to him that I need more help.

Post # 11
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Why are you marrying a guy that you describe as a lazy baby? You obviously don’t see him as a man. The two of you are also keeping score ( ” I did this when I was the one working; “You should do this like I did when I was the one working “). I foresee problems.

Post # 12
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014


I have no tolerance for a man who cannot help out around the house. I am old school but I also believe a man should support a woman just the same as a woman does a man. That means in every aspect of life. If the woman has more free time she picks up the slack and vice versa. I have not had this talk yet w/ my FI but will soon because we are looking for a house to move into together. He works a full time laborious job and I work full time but also go to school. I feel our house hold work should be equally divided. We have 5 teenagers between us so they can also pick up some of the work as well. When I was in my first marriage I worked 50+ hours a week was going to school (14 credit hours/about 20-25 hours a week) and still had to do most (90%) of the house work. My ex refused to do any more than laundry. That was it. It was one of the things that ultimately led to our divorce. (he was also controlling, abusive, and cheated). I just couldn’t do it all anymore because I felt he was selfish and didn’t care about me. I think this could take a HUGE toll on your relationship and you both need to talk about it and try to come to some type of compromise. If you can’t, you will both be mad at each other all the time.

Post # 15
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m not saying he is evil or you are evil, but it rubs me the wrong way when women use terms that emasculate the men in their lives. Hopefully, you haven’t used “lazy” and “baby” when talking to him. It’s pretty much the equivalent of him posting about you and saying you’re crazy and women are bitches. As for the whole emailing jobs to him thing – it honestly comes off as motherly and controlling to me. Both show a lack of respect for your partner and imply that you perceive your partner as childish.

I think your post is striking a chord with me because it reminds me of some female relatives of mine. I’ve definitely heard the lazy baby thing before. It hasn’t worked out so well for them. It’s not that the men in their lives are perfect; it’s their perspective and approach to the problems.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting him to help out more around the house, but there is something wrong when the two of you are arguing about it every night. I just think you should reflect on how you are communicating your needs to him and how you see him as a man.


Post # 16
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MichiganGirl24:  About your sex life… I would have a calm discussion, but I would tell him “our sex life is directly related to how satisfying other aspects of our relationship are.  You’re not satisfied with that, and I’m not satisfied with our division of chores.  Until we can find a happy compromise on both fronts, I am both too tired to do that more often, and not very happy about “giving” more unless you are willing to give more on things that matter to me, too”.


Frankly, even if he treats school as a full-time job, you’re still equal.  You both have full time jobs.  So your time on chores should be roughly equal.

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