I've been in a couple LDRs in my life, the first one was a terrible one. The second one was with my FI. With my ex, we would go through these looong phases just like your friend is going through. He would constantly put me on the back burner, wouldn't want to talk to me for long if we did get a chance to talk, would put me down if I complained about not getting enough time to talk with him, etc. With my FI, we would talk everyday, throughout the day if possible through text/email and then calls at night during the week (we saw each other weekends).
In my honest opinion, without knowing anything else about their relationship, I think your friend needs to move on. If he can't possibly make time to talk to her and listen to her concerns, then he isn't good enough for her.
I was in a similar relationship for 2 years (knew the guy for a total of 4.5 yrs of which we lived together for the first 2.5). He would make excuses for not calling, lay down rules about when to call and when not to call and whenever I complained, he used to say that he was not an answering machine. Whether it's a day or two days or a week, I was the one who always had to initiate contact. My ex had taken me for granted so I dumped his sorry ass (there were other reasons too). I think your friend should also move on. Why is she tolerating this torture? What is she getting in return that she can't get from a man who is kind, copnsiderate and genuinely interested in her? Seriously, plenty of fish in the sea.
My DH (BF at the time) were long distance while we were at college and we would communicate whether it was my phone, email, mail, etc. as much as we could so at least every other day. Though once exams rolled around or college became stressful it may have been a little different but was still at least once a week.
He should not wait that long to get a hold of her. That is just crazy to not talk for 2 weeks. Does he have a reason why he doesn't want to communicate? I don't like jumping to conclusions but I have a feeling something is going on that she doesn't know.
I think your best advice for your friend is that this guy just isn't that into her and she should find soeone who is.
Thanks, guys. I actually feel the same way, but for whatever reason of her own she refuses to let him go, she's always making excuses. I think she's romanticized him somehow...he really is just not that into her, at least I don't think so. If you really care about someone I figure you'd try to get in contact with them at least a couple times a week, right?? at least ONCE a week? He's not in college or anything, he's 25 and has a 40 hour a week job, just like everyone else.
@Kari 2012: he claims he doesn't communicate because he doesn't like talking on the phone. =/ but what about texting? Seriously. She says it's all different when they're actually together, but witnessing them together it never seems like they're super close...
@imageeksowhat: she should get rid of him. I am freaked out when I don't hear from my SO in 24 hours, and he works 14-18 hours days in the military AND there's a time difference! Going a week is absolutely nuts. She needs to know her own worth and move on.
There's no way she should stick around! This sounds like a dead end. Encourage her to evaluate where the relationship can possibly be going if this guy won't even try to talk to her.
@NorthernBelle10: Sometimes they attempt to talk about it but then they just end up back where they started. Nothing EVER gets solved. EVER.
I think it may be time to let this one go. No matter what kind of relationship you're in, you both have to be invested 50%. You can never invest more than that. If the other person isn't there, there's very little you can do about it. This is particularly difficult for LDRs.
Send your friend my love.
@imageeksowhat: It really sounds like this isn't going anywhere, then. Have you tried talking to her about it? She might need a fresh perspective.
@imageeksowhat: my DH hates talking on the phone. I can count the number of social phone calls (calls about important stuff like utilities and bank don't count because those are short and to the point) we've had between us the past 4.5 years on one hand. He doesn't enjoy it at all, and also, when he does call, it's a 3 hour long call and nothing gets done (he had a job, but I was still in school so homework). I cannot see how her bf hates phone calls yet doesn't text or email.
your friend should dump him and move on.
@NorthernBelle10: I've told her she doesn't deserve it. She says she's giving him an ultimatum and I told her WELL STICK TO IT!! Unfortunately she says she wants to wait until they're in person for her to tell him about this ultimatum (he's about 2 hours from her, maybe 3, so they see each other on occasion) she's been trying to get in contact with him so that she can go up there and talk to him in person, but again, he's impossible to get ahold of. Probably because he knows what's coming so now he's REALLY avoiding her. Ugh, it's a mess. She has this other friend that gave her the crappy advice of "well, that's just the way he is, so you should just contact him every time and bla blah blah" basically telling her to settle. Like, fine, if that's just the way he is, but that means he'll never be what she wants so she should just forget it, right? I mean, it's like he's treating her like a placeholder or something.
@imageeksowhat: You're right about that. It sounds like he's got her on the backburner. I was in a sort of LD fling of sorts, and we talked all day almost every day... and we weren't even committed to each other!
But do remember that in the end, it's not your problem. It isn't your relationship. All you can do is be there for your friend and offer your words of advice and (probably) a shoulder to cry on. Try not to overstress- this isn't your relationship at least!
@NorthernBelle10: Very true. And she will do what she wants regardless of what I say. It's just, I get into her backwards mindset and then I think maybe I'M wrong, which is part of why I came on here...not so much to recieve advice for her, but to make sure I was giving her the correct advice...
The best way i can put it is by explaining my previous LDR with my ex...
In the beginning, he couldn't stand not talking to me/not seeing me. So much so that we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking on the phone. Or he would just drive 1.5 hours each way to see me for an hour or 2 before turning around and going back home. As we got more comfortable he stopped doing those things. He would skip the daily phone call and trying to get him to come see me even for a weekend (rather than just a few hours) was like pulling teeth. Our relationship had obviously changed and neither of us was really happy.
Unfortunately, it took him breaking up with me for me to realize this. And she may be in the same situation. Do your friend a favor and distract her if you can. Take her out on weekends, keep her from sitting at home wondering why he isn't calling. The more she does without him, the less she'll think she needs him.
I won't be surprised if the jerk is married. *guess you can tell how I feel*
You can't have any relationship without communication, but having terrible communication in a LDR is an immediate death sentance because it is one of the only things you have.
SO had just turned 18 when we started long distance for the first time and he was exponentially more mature than this guy. She should dump him because he clearly isn't willing to make it work.
SO and I were in an LDR for all 4 years of college. He too hates talking on the phone and especially hates having those important relationship conversations (the ones where you work through problems) on the phone. However we were very diligent in our communication. During one argument freshman year he thew in my face the exact number of days I had not called him. I had had no idea that he was keeping track so closely. If the guy is really invested in the relationship, no matter how much he hates the phone, he will make the effort to communicate.
If the guy is not willing to communicate, your friend should dump him because in LDR if there is no communication there is no relationship.
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I have this friend who has been in a long distance relationship for about a year now. Lately she's been very down about it because he never calls her or texts her, and never writes to her on facebook. Like, just to see how long it'll take for him to contact her, she will stop being the one to reach out. 2 weeks will go by with no contact from him, and even then, SHE will have to be the one to call him...although I guess he's called her before, but only when she has expressed SERIOUS distress with him not attempting to contact her.
Whenever they talk, she tries to explain how she feels, and in turn, he feels as though she's nagging, and then things just become a mess.
Anybody in long distance relationships have any advice for her? Is there anything she can do to improve communication or should she just move on? She's tried explaining how she feels in a calm manner and he gets very defensive.
I'm just tired of seeing her sad and wanted to know what other people's opinions on the situation are.
Thanks!