LDR advice for a friend…?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Member
3015 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’ve been in a couple LDRs in my life, the first one was a terrible one. The second one was with my FI. With my ex, we would go through these looong phases just like your friend is going through. He would constantly put me on the back burner, wouldn’t want to talk to me for long if we did get a chance to talk, would put me down if I complained about not getting enough time to talk with him, etc. With my FI, we would talk everyday, throughout the day if possible through text/email and then calls at night during the week (we saw each other weekends).

In my honest opinion, without knowing anything else about their relationship, I think your friend needs to move on. If he can’t possibly make time to talk to her and listen to her concerns, then he isn’t good enough for her.

Member
443 posts
Helper bee

I was in a similar relationship for 2 years (knew the guy for a total of 4.5 yrs of which we lived together for the first 2.5). He would make excuses for not calling, lay down rules about when to call and when not to call and whenever I complained, he used to say that he was not an answering machine. Whether it’s a day or two days or a week, I was the one who always had to initiate contact. My ex had taken me for granted so I dumped his sorry ass (there were other reasons too). I think your friend should also move on. Why is she tolerating this torture? What is she getting in return that she can’t get from a man who is kind, copnsiderate and genuinely interested in her? Seriously, plenty of fish in the sea.

Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My DH (BF at the time) were long distance while we were at college and we would communicate whether it was my phone, email, mail, etc. as much as we could so at least every other day. Though once exams rolled around or college became stressful it may have been a little different but was still at least once a week.

He should not wait that long to get a hold of her. That is just crazy to not talk for 2 weeks. Does he have a reason why he doesn’t want to communicate? I don’t like jumping to conclusions but I have a feeling something is going on that she doesn’t know.
 

Member
929 posts
Busy bee

I think your best advice for your friend is that this guy just isn’t that into her and she should find soeone who is.

Member
875 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@imageeksowhat:  she should get rid of him. I am freaked out when I don’t hear from my SO in 24 hours, and he works 14-18 hours days in the military AND there’s a time difference! Going a week is absolutely nuts. She needs to know her own worth and move on.

Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There’s no way she should stick around! This sounds like a dead end. Encourage her to evaluate where the relationship can possibly be going if this guy won’t even try to talk to her. 

Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it may be time to let this one go. No matter what kind of relationship you’re in, you both have to be invested 50%. You can never invest more than that. If the other person isn’t there, there’s very little you can do about it. This is particularly difficult for LDRs. 

 

Send your friend my love. 

Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@imageeksowhat:  It really sounds like this isn’t going anywhere, then. Have you tried talking to her about it? She might need a fresh perspective.

Member
3331 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@imageeksowhat:  my DH hates talking on the phone. I can count the number of social phone calls (calls about important stuff like utilities and bank don’t count because those are short and to the point) we’ve had between us the past 4.5 years on one hand. He doesn’t enjoy it at all, and also, when he does call, it’s a 3 hour long call and nothing gets done (he had a job, but I was still in school so homework). I cannot see how her bf hates phone calls yet doesn’t text or email.

your friend should dump him and move on.

Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@imageeksowhat:  You’re right about that. It sounds like he’s got her on the backburner. I was in a sort of LD fling of sorts, and we talked all day almost every day… and we weren’t even committed to each other! 

But do remember that in the end, it’s not your problem. It isn’t your relationship. All you can do is be there for your friend and offer your words of advice and (probably) a shoulder to cry on. Try not to overstress- this isn’t your relationship at least! 

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