Post # 1
LDR whining post..sorry..no real advice needed..maybe just a hug =
so this is kind of silly but i feel a bit jealous of my SO’s close guy friend. it just feels like this person is more part of my SO’s life than i am because they are physically in the same place and they both are guys with similar interests.
my BF is in professional school across the country. he has a guy friend with whom he has a lot in common. this friend is around a lot – in fact, said friend is currently sleeping on BF’s couch as i type. they get together and cook food, go out to eat (things that he and i used to do when he was still here) and they have a lot of shared interests that i don’t share as much. BF has even gone so far to say that the two of them can really anticipate what each other is thinking and are a great team – AND that i am not as good at that (i feel like he compares me to his male friends a lot which i think is unrealistic..but that is another story)
i know that i’m not a man and just do not function in the same way as a guy might. this still hurts my feelings a bit though. i don’t really want to talk to him about this because i find it a bit embarrassing.
moreover, i just visited BF and for the most part this guy friend was around all the time which i didn’t mind too much because he seemed to be a nice person. it still bothered me a bit since i had come such a long way to visit my BF and wanted some privacy. i kept telling BF to get rid of the friend but i guess that would have made things awkward since he is always there when i’m not.
sigh, any one have a similar situation with an LDR?
Post # 3
@tenacity: I did, but the friend was a girl! They were not as close as your SO is with his friend, but the fact that she was a girl complicated things. It was a few years ago, when I went to Canada for a semester abroad.
FI and I tell each other everything, so when he told me this girl mention she was sad I was comming back cause he wouldn’t be spending as much time with her I snapped. I nicely and calmly told him I didn’t like their relationship, I wasn’t against they being friends and I wasn’t telling him to do or not do anything, but I needed him to know I don’t like this girl.
I guess is more frustrating in your situation when the guy’s actually nice.
Post # 4
@Coffee cup: “nicely and calmly” hehe, i wish i could be as good at that as you! i don’t tolerate other girls very well unless they are obviously not threatening. your girl seems a bit more than i could handle, good for you! did your FI react well to this? how did you guys handle the situation after that?
thanks for replying!
Post # 5
follow up question, how do you deal with the fact that there are other people in your partner’s life when you are in an LDR?
Post # 6
Ug. I’ve had two LDRs. The first one was with my ex-husband, and I think if he could have married all of his friends he would have. They were thick as thieves and did everything togteher. They had a roleplaying group, they went drinking, and my ex-husband (FI at the time) went out with them when they went to bars looking for women which made me REALLY uncomfortable. He often talked about how much he wished I was like his best friend, who understood him perfectly, and it made me feel so insecure.
I know that doesn’t really help since he’s an ex-husband, but it had nothing to do with that stuff!
With my FI, he lived with his family for a little bit after he graduated from college. He joined his dad and brothers with a weekly poker night at a local karaoke bar, did the family game nights with them, and was basically always doing things with them. It was even more frustrating than the friend situation with my ex because it’s not like I could feel threatened by his family! It’s great that they’re so close, but it did make me feel like I didn’t really fit into his life, especially since I was so far away and couldn’t do anything with him. Things got a lot better when he moved out here.
At the time, I just made sure he called me. Seriously, I needed him to initiate calls. Maybe I’m just needy but I needed to feel like I mattered to him enough for him to pick up the phone for five minutes, and made it clear that he had to call me on a regular basis. It helped when we talked about doing the things he did with his family when we had kids, or going out on Friday nights with my friends when he moved here. The affirmation that soon he would be here doing those things with me was very helpful. It made those people the placeholders instead of the competition. LDRs are tough, but for the right person, all of the hard stuff is so worth it for the end. I don’t even remember how I felt about that stuff unless I’m reminded of it.
Maybe it would help if you ask your BF to, instead of comparing you, say things like “I can’t wait until you and I are able to anticipate each other like this!” Otherwise he’s directly setting his friend up as competition, whether he means to or not. My FI and I anticipate each other almost the same way my mother, sister, and I do, but it’s taken us almost three years of in-person dating to do that.
Post # 7
@HappierKate: “Ug” is definitely the word i would use for LDR too 😉
thank you for sharing your experiences. i was with my BF for 3 years before he moved away for school so we would do similar things together as he does with his friend now only i think it is better with the friend because they also do more “guy” stuff together. i guess i just feel a little like i am being replaced. 🙁 it does help to think that this may be a bit of a placeholder situation but i think the fact that they are just friends and don’t know each other as well…he is more appreciative of this person because he can’t get *that* comfortable (this is sort of hard to explain and maybe i’m not expressing it well).
we’ve been doing the LDR thing for almost two years now and so i guess in some ways the familiarity between us has decreased. i know it is natural for partners to have their own lives in an LDR but for the most part i feel like he has more fun with it…don’t get me wrong, i have my life here but to me nothing is as good as us being together. i just wish he felt the same way…i know he loves/misses me but at the same time he has never really had a good filter/tact so can say some pretty hurtful things without realizing how they affect me…
i don’t even know how to talk about this because it is such an awkward topic. “i feel insecure/replaced by your male buddy..” ug indeed!
good to hear you had a happy ending to your LDR! it helps to have some hope!
Post # 8
That really does suck, I never had to contend with feeling replaced because I knew his family wouldn’t be new and exciting XD
I did have the, I’m taking the distance harder than he is, situation. It was very frustrating that he just went on with life and I had my own life but it was second to life with him and it just seemed like he was perfectly fine without me. And he had this really annoying quirk where he felt he had to be 100% honest without a filter in order to have a close relationship with me, to the point of telling me, “Just so you know, you have a little bit of a mustache. I wanted to say it now because I’m afraid if we ever fight I’ll bring it up.” I could have punched him. And then he hopped back on a plane and flew back to his family. He’s learned to be better about it, but still! When I say, “I really miss you, I wish you were coming to the party with me,” I don’t want to hear, “Yeah, well I’m going to this thing with Pete and it should be pretty fun.” I want to hear, “Me too!”
That is awkward because it sounds so ridiculous but it is so valid despite how it sounds! I guess you could be like, “So. You two dating yet? Because it sounds like he’s a great girlfriend,” but that’s too passive aggressive and I’m just joking. It’s actually possible that he’s gotten close to this guy because it’s a way to distract himself from not having you without exposing himself to temptation; throwing himself into a new friendship is a good distraction.
Post # 9
My ex has a friend just like that. This friend started out in my good graces because he supported our relationship. Then he just started to meddle in our relationship basically. My ex and I haven’t even been able to be civil to one another since we broke up about a month ago because of everything that has transpired, until a few hours ago.
We had a several hour long conversation about everything earlier. I did most of the talking. I told him a lot, including how it felt for him to discuss our issues and make decisions about them with his friend instead of bringing them up with me. I think what really opened his eyes was when I told him I felt that the way he had been treating me for quite some time had gotten to the pont of being emotionally abusive. He was speechless after that. He himself said he had never realized it had gotten that bad, because who wants to realize they are hurting a person so badly with the things they say and do.
My ex also didn’t have a good filter and would say things without thinking about how they might hurt me first. A while back, he told me his friend knew him much better than I do. I didn’t really tell him how much those things hurt me and it just got worse and worse, like I said, to the point of being emotionally abusive.
If there is anything I would suggest to you, it would be to talk to him about it. I know it seems weird to be jealous of his friend, but don’t just put up with it like I did.
Post # 10
@HappierKate: lol, i know what you mean about wishing/needing him to say something nice and he just says…everything. agh! this used to be a big problem for us and we used to have a lot of little fights about small things like this. as time has gone on, i’ve just started to pick my battles more. heehee..everyone has a lil fuzz on the lip! argh!>:O where do you think this piggy business came from? but in the end i’ve kind of embraced that he is this kind of person and have picked/chosen to talk issues when things are a big deal and really bother me. i realize that given that i’m not physically there i can’t expect him to just build his life around waiting for me to come around every few months. i have to give him credit that he’s not out there being “bad” as far as i can tell. it just sucks to be apart! :[
@AubByAub: 🙁 this sounds terrible. i’m sorry this happened to you. BF has a longterm friend who was like this in the past who really didn’t support our relationship and constantly was pressuring him to go out and do things “with the boys” “like the old days.” i realize that friends can really put a wedge in your relationship especially if they are in a different place in their own lives and cannot understand or feel threatened when their friend seems to change to a different path. this friend has thankfully found his own steady gf now and has changed his colors a bit.
i’m really glad that you had the strength to take a step back and get some space for yourself. i’m equally glad that you were able to talk with your ex and that he took it well/considered what you had to say rather than fighting back or being defensive. it really makes me conscious about how i need to speak up when things are becoming hurtful, i’m not sure i’m quite there yet but will keep being thoughtful about it.
good for you for standing up for yourself! i hope you guys are able to continue your dialogue so that you may have some healing from what has happened.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
FI and I were in a semi long distance relationship for 4.5 years so I totally understand the jealousy of his friends who get to spend all their time with him. I got to see him on the weekends at least, but even on the weekends there were times he wanted to hang out with the guys and stuff. Let your SO know ahead of time that you want to spend time with him and only him when you visit, because you don’t get to see each other most of the time! Sometimes guys don’t realize that we want them to ourselves for the little time we have. I would arrive at FI’s house after hours of driving only to realize that he was at his friend’s house instead of at home despite knowing when I’d arrive. And he’d be surprised I was upset! After explaining it to him though, he totally got why I wanted our time together to be our time.
I will say, however, that now that FI and I live together, I feel a little sorry for his friends that he spends all his time with me and doesn’t see them very often anymore. Let him enjoy his time with his friends, but at the same time do let him know that when you visit, you want it to be your time alone with him.
Post # 12
I’ve been there as well. 🙁 Big bear hugs to you! It’s a sucky situation.
Post # 13
@elysion: i’m always so pleased to hear happy LDR endings! it is funny how sometimes guys can be so unaware of how you might feel, when to you it seems so obvious. i’m glad BF has found friends. in the past it was just us when i would visit. it’s nice to meet and spend time with the people in his life but i think it is time to ask for a little more balance.
i think it will talk to him about it at some point. i have to figure out how to talk about it without it turning into drama…i find having discussions and arguments are often so much more tricky in LDR because you don’t have the physical feedback (can’t hug, etc).
Post # 14
@Rouquine: thank you 🙂 sticky and icky! :p
Post # 15
sigh, i just got off the phone with BF. i told him i was feeling a bit sad and lonely but as friend was there (of course) i said it probably wasn’t the best time to talk about it and he agreed. we chatted about other things that have been going on and he tried to be helpful. he told me about the wonderful meal that he and friend had made…he tried to be nice and say that they also ate some of the stuff that i had cooked before i left and that it was really good. he somehow ended up joking about how my life was much better when he was around (he was teasing, poking fun) but in the moment i really couldn’t respond because it hurt (it stung a bit because it’s true, i don’t really enjoy my life as much when he isn’t around..that’s normal right? i mean i’m mostly happy…it’s just so much better when we are together. he sort of makes me feel bad about that). i was a bit teary throughout.
i felt a little better just talking to him and talking about things in our lives. i’m not so sure why i’m suddenly so emotional but it sure is no fun! i realize i must sound really “woe is me” other people have worse problems but i think being in a LDR with no end in sight is really wearing on me 🙁 thanks for all of your support ladies! it does help to get it all out and diffuses what usually just gets all bottled up.
Post # 16
Oh gosh, I’m really sorry…it is SUCH a sucky situation ((hugs!))
I had a really awkward situation that was somewhat similar to yours, except they were our mutual friends! I was going to college over in England but had to move back to America due to finances. My SO and I had a group of really good friends, and when I left it just seemed like everyone was so close and I felt left out BIG TIME! It didn’t help that I wasn’t making any friends at my new school and was just feeling lonely in general, but seeing photos of all of them together on facebook and hearing all the stories of everyone going out and having fun just made me feel worse. There was even a girl in our group that had a crush on him for awhile, and she sort of moved in and it felt like I was being replaced in a girlfriend capacity. No fun. 🙁
It’s totally normal to feel the way you’re feeling, and it’s a GOOD thing your life is better when he’s around! That means he’s a great match for you! 🙂 I’m sure it stung when he was kind of teasing you though, and I know his having a close friend can make it feel like you’re being edged out of the picture a bit. And if you don’t have an end in sight that can just make the situation even more difficult to deal with. Do you have any idea of when you can re-evaluate things and figure out when the LDR is going to end?
I guess my only advice is to realize everything that you are to your boyfriend that his friend can never be. He’s never going to look over at his friend sleeping and think “Wow, he’s just so beautiful!” 😛 He’s never going to adore his friend the way I’m sure he adores you, he’s never going to want to take care of his friend and hold him when he cries and snuggle in bed and hold his hand when they walk down the street! He LOVES you, he’s only in a silly bromance with his friend!
I know this sounds horrible and like I was playing a ‘game’, but the way I finally got around this situation was just becoming increasingly less available to my SO. I didn’t want to be the one guilting him into skyping with me and I didn’t even want to admit how hurt I was that I felt neglected. So I joined some new clubs and started making new friends and going out more, and once he realized I wasn’t going to sit around pining after him and had an active life outside of him, he started making a huge effort! I don’t know your situation or how your guy operates, so I’m not necessarily suggesting this to you, just letting you know what worked for me. How often are you able to see each other? It’s so easy to feel replaced and just like a ‘part-time girlfriend’ when there’s a big chunk of time between visits, and I know that can’t be helped. 🙁 Feel free to vent here whenever, you’re pretty much guaranteed to have at least a handful of bees commiserate with you (myself included!)