Post # 1
I am at a complete loss. My FI is currently living in NC attending Grad School. I live in the Boston area working at a great job that I love. We have been living in separate states since July of 2009 when he moved to NC and he won’t be done with grad school until May 2012.
FI and I have had many, many long conversations about what we will do after we get married on July 3, 2011. We had decided to continue living in separate locations until he graduates and he finds a permanent job in his field. Once a job has been located, then we will move to a new, neutral location together to start our life together.
Now, my parents do not want to hear anything about anything unless it has to do with me quitting my job and uprooting my life to join him in NC where there is little prospect of a job for me. Add to that I have a very serious illness where I need constant medical coverage and my company’s health insurance doesn’t cover outside of New England, COBRA isn’t really an option.
I’m at a loss. I really am desperate for advice. I just don’t know how to handle the situation with my parents. Should I try to make them understand why we have decided to stay separate for one year after the wedding or do you think we should suck it up and I should move to be with him.
I know there are plenty of other bee’s that are forced to be separated from their SO because of the war or many other reasons, I would love to hear from you about how you handle the various situations that arise from naysayers. I know my situation pales in comparison, I honestly feel like I’m just drifting aimlessly. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Post # 3
Personally, I think your health comes before anything else.
And I think you have to do what is best for you, whether it conflicts with your parents’ ideas about how your life should go or not. You can talk to the them till the cows come home, but you can’t “make them” understand unless they want to.
I think it’s about you & your FI. What works for you two is what’s right.
Post # 4
@Miss Bumble: I’m so sorry your family isn’t understanding. Especially with the economic climate and your own medical issues, I can’t believe they don’t get it! My FH and I are LDR in different states and will be after marriage as well – Fall 2009 to probably Spring 2013 so I totally understand and empathize. Don’t move down there without a plan, is my only advice. As much as I’d love to drop everything and be with FH, I know it’s in our best interest to put up with being apart for a little while longer, and you can do it too! Keep going and if you ever want to talk or vent – feel free! My parents get it now (especially since we both have great jobs) but I have some aunts who think it’s the most ridiculous thing and completely out of the question. It runs you down (I can’t imagine how much worse it’d be if it were my parents) but you just have to stick to your resolve and remember that you two have a whole lifetime ahead of you to be together!
Post # 5
Honestly, this isn’t your parents’ decision, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to move just because they want you to – so it’ incredibly unfortunate that have to feel that pressure anyway, and that you can’t necessarily do anything about it.
Have you tried telling your parents something along the lines of, “FI and I have made this decision together, and we know how hard it will be. I understand that you’re concerned, and that you want what is best for us, but what is best for us is at our discretion to determine, not yours, and the best way you can help me right now is to be supportive of the decision that we have made, rather than criticising.” ?
It’s tough, but sometimes being direct and blunt can help them see where you’re coming from, you know?
Post # 6
I agree, your health should be your number one priority.
Saying that, you have to calmly sit your parents down and explain that while you appreciate their concern, this is not their life, and not their marriage, and they do not get to decide what is best.
and hey..it can work. the first five months after we got married, DH and i lived halfway across the country from each other, and seeing how we’re both active duty military, we’ll probably be seperated again as well. we had to wait to get stationed together when we got married, and that takes time.
i would tell you that take care of your health first and foremost, try not to let what your parents say bother you too much, and just try to visit your FI as much as possible, talk to him EVERY day (i really think that is key) and be completly and totally honest with each other, and it can work.
Post # 7
Your situation doens’t pale in comparision- your health is important! All of your reasons for living apart are valid. But. Its going to be hard. If you could find a job in NC, would you move? You mentioned not wanting to rip up your life. Maybe just make sure you have explored all options with finding a job where your future husband has to be (or could he transfer schools?) If those aren’t possible, don’t let your parents guilt you into something that wouldn’t be right for you.
Post # 8
We were LD before we got married and we are still currently LD until July. My DH is in the military, so he is stationed out of state while I am home finishing my degree.
A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
Post # 9
@Miss Bumble: Are you kidding?! You’re doing everything right!!! Your health does come first. Without it, everything else is pointless. Don’t stress…pleaseeeeeeeeee! Wedding planning in itself is enough to drive anyone crazy, without throwing in other people’s opinions about your life.
Post # 10
Thank you all for your kind words. Trust me when I say that I have tried to sit them down and say that we have already come to a decision that we will continue on with the way things are even after the wedding until we are able to be together – where ever that may be. They just don’t want to hear it.
And now, when I bring it up they just turn the tables that maybe we should just postpone the wedding until he graduates in 2012. In theory that doesn’t sound like an aweful idea, I just am really looking forward to being done with all the stress this July as opposed to next July.
They of all people should know and understand my concern about my health seeing as how I was considered permanently disabled on their health insurance until 2 years ago! I just feel like I’m being pulled in ten million different directions and I no longer know which way is the right way if there is even a right way any more.
Post # 11
“And now, when I bring it up they just turn the tables that maybe we should just postpone the wedding until he graduates in 2012. In theory that doesn’t sound like an aweful idea.”
I don’t want to seem harsh, but I think this is your best option. I know you don’t want to postpone your wedding… but I think you should consider it. It’ll be REALLY hard on your first year of marriage if you aren’t living together. I think you guys need to come up with a plan before moving forward with the wedding. If the wedding is going to be 2011 then you need to find a job in NC. I’m sorry, but part of a marriage is being there together and making sacrifices. I’m NOT saying that anyone who has a LD marriage is wrong at all, it’s just if you CAN be together then you should.
“I just am really looking forward to being done with all the stress this July as opposed to next July.”
If you’re still not living together it’ll only be more stress. Plus the stress that comes along with yr 1 of marriage.
Besides postponing a year gives you one more year to save. And another year to figure out the living situation.
Best of luck!
Post # 12
Our locations are totally up in the air, too. We may be in the same city…or not. He may get a job…or not. I may extend my program by a(nother) year…or not. But we’re still getting married next May, because our lives are not really going to settle for another five, and I’m simply not willing to wait that long.
Our parents don’t understand either, simply because they didn’t go through it. My parents like to nag me, probably because I’m the girl: “But what are your plans? Where will you live? This seems so (insert critical adjective of choice).” It turns out they haven’t quite figured out that we are making a joint decision as a couple. Needless to say, my relationship with my parents has suffered a little.
Post # 13
Honestly always try to stay positive. I have found while being long distance from jump the times were easiest when I stayed positive, even when the worse at the time was facing us. Writing or sending cards is good, even if you talk everyday on the phone, try and send a card at a frequency that works. I know from personal experience that sometimes it easier said than done when someone tells you to stay positive, but take it from me while the seperation is apparent so is your Love. I’ve gone from over 4 thousand miles in the same country, to only 760 miles on the same coast, to now a whopping 10 thousand miles in the Middle east ( where even after we get married I will remain for at least another 2 years, gotta have $$ cushion for when I come back and take a break), and its trying, tiring, but a true Blessing to know that no matter what that person Loves you, misses you, and you two are both are working towards the greater good of your future. Also, if you haven’t, invest in a webcam and a great digital camera. Make I love you music CD’s for the 2 of you to share also.
Post # 14
@JrzyGurl: I think you may have missed the point, the money aspect isn’t the issue. I’m not worried about the money. My whole post wasn’t about money or about living together. I’ve been living at home with the parents saving my butt off. And FI and I have already lived together so those “bumps” in the road have already been ironed out. I know his living habits and he knows mine. We also know who cleans what room and who cooks/bakes what. Those type of things have already been hashed out. I’m the saver and he’s the spender.
And to everyone else… your words are all very kind! We have been Skyping nearly every day since he left a year and a half ago and we make it a point to travel to see each other at least once a month.
FI and I have had many long coversations recently to reiterate our decision to maintain our living situation after our marriage next July. We are in agreement and have explained it again to my parents and requested that they respect our decision.
Post # 15
wow your parents are doing exactly the opposite of what they should be doing
you need to look out for yourself and your dreams first, marriage or not. that they want you to drop everything and move yourself to him just baffles me.
i’m in an LDR, have been for 4 years now. you’re marrying him, which is forever, so just sit tight for now.
Post # 16
My good friend and her husband were in a very similar situation. He was finishing up his PhD and she was called to serve at a church a thousand miles away. They spent the 2nd and 4th years of their marriage apart. While it was a big challenge for them, they made it work. Like KeyBee said, marraige is forever. And this probably won’t be the biggest test of your relationship that you will have. (If that is a consolation.)