Post # 1
Just wanted to see if any of you have run into this problem- FI and I have been dating for 7 years, we got engaged over the summer and will be getting married Labor Day weekend of 2013. I’m finishing up graduate school in May and will be moving across the country to finally be in the same place as Fiance as he is finishing up his school in 2014. FMIL is angry that we will be living together. Overall, she’s supportive of me and our relationship, very sweet and I’ve always felt fortunate to not have an awful Future Mother-In-Law after reading these boards. She’s very religious (Catholic) so I know this is playing a big part of it, but I’m not sure how to respond to her. I’m not going to move across the counrty and rent my own apartment, we’re engaged… I guess it just really threw me off. Anyone else deal with this?
Post # 3
I don’t have any advice, but I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a tough situation. I hate when religious beliefs or morals get in the way of what is obviously a very rational decision for the two of you. You have been together seven years, are engaged, actively planning a wedding, and looking to end your LDR. Plus, financially, it makes more sense for you to share a place, rather than rent your own place just to appease your Mother-In-Law. Maybe talk to her about all of these issues. Tell her you understand that she doesn’t agree, but that it makes the most sense for you and your finace and really, that’s all that should matter. Good luck in this tough situation though!
Post # 4
What’s important is your marriage and YOUR beliefs, and how they change(if they do) your relationship with your fiance. It’s really no one’s business to tell you how to live your life. I’m sorry she’s taking it so hard. Darling Husband and I lived together before marriage. his family just didn’t know about it and never will. (it worked out wonderfully) if she’s in town and would know, there’s no hiding it. :/ Sorry!
edit: Also, this won’t be the first time you both will do something she does not approve of (most likely) as long as she learns to live with that and you guys learn not to give into anyone else expectations for your marriage, you’re going to be fine! Just throwing that out there with no intent of being rude or snarky. Marriage is the start of a new beginning for the two of you but also the start of both your families stepping back and letting the pair of you make a new family unit. It may just take time for her to get used to it
Post # 5
@SimplyChic11: Thanks guys, both really valid points- I know that it’s a thought out decision that we’re both fine with, it just feels not great to be doing something that Future Mother-In-Law so openly disagrees with… before when we were doing things she didn’t agree with, she didn’t know about them, so it felt less like the elephant in the room. But, in the end, it’s our lives, our marriage, and what we want is to finally be done with our LDR and be in the same freaking place!! I’m sure she’ll get over it, she hasn’t been rude or anything to me about it, but I know Fiance is taking some heat over it. Hopefully it’ll die down before the wedding and she’ll come to terms with it. FI is the oldest, so this whole letting go thing is new for her.
Post # 6
I second MisspumpkinBarry’s comments. You’re going to have to do what you need to do. // The funny thing is my mother (we’re Catholic) doesn’t approve of me living with the fiance before marriage. (However, I have lived with other boyfriend’s before…) And, well, we’re two states apart right now. If I find a job where he is next week, should I decline and wait until we’re actually married? I’ll do what is best for the both of us.
Post # 7
@anchors_away: She will get over it. My mom and Future Mother-In-Law were the same way when they found out my SO and I were moving in together after I moved to be with him. My mom is a Jehovah’s Witness and hates that we aren’t married but cohabitate. She still won’t even tell people that I moved to be with my SO and live with him, unless they already know about. But she’s supportive of us now.
As for his mother, well when I first moved to him we lived in his parents’ house and his mother would stay up late to make sure we didn’t sleep in the same bed together in his room or even fall asleep on the couch together, haha. So yeah, she hated us living together and thought we shouldn’t do it because it was a sin. But now she’s come around and treats me like a second daughter. His parents have even come over to our apartment for dinner twice, so I don’t think it bothers her as much now.
Post # 8
When my friend moved in with her fiance, her mom, the church secretary, insisted on sending them separate copies of the church newsletter, to the same address. She HATED that they lived together, even though she knew no one else cared (including the pastor), and she found her own ways of coping. Little passive-aggressive ways, but they got her through until they were married.
Take deep breaths and get through. She’ll be fine once you’re married.
Post # 9
Sometimes religious beliefs/morals and rational, logical thinking clash and there is nothing you can do about it but do what you think it best and let the rest blow in one ear and out the other. Future Mother-In-Law will come around, hopefully. You’re engaged, for pete’s sake, not some dorm-hopping harlett moving in with every tom, dick and harry. Still, there are those who are so set in their ways that logic slips past them. I find it a little off-putting that she is “angry” about your decision. On the bright side, your LDR is finally coming to an end!
Post # 10
In 10 years, the fact that you lived together will not matter. My family is very Catholic and a similar thing happened to my brother/gf. My family eventually got over it.
Post # 11
Thanks guys! It’s helpful that at least I have my Mom’s support- when I talked to her about it she said “You guys have been dating for 7 years, what does she think has been going on?” I know Future Mother-In-Law will just have to/will get over it eventually. It’s good to know others have expereinced the same thing. And yes @Eight6Eleven: I’m SO excited the long distance is ending!
Post # 12
haha what your mom said is funny and true . I also think she will get over it eventually. At least you guys are engaged. My Dad was pissed when I moved cross country and moved in with my ex, weren’t engaged at that point. I can see how some parents wouldn’t want that for their kids. But you guys are engaged, and even if you weren’t you don’t have to live your life based on another person’s standards and morals.