Post # 1
Hi, my name is [named removed at request of poster], and my SO and I have been together for almost 6 years now. We met when we briefly lived in the same city for about 1.5 years. We didn’t live together at that time and had a lot of ups and downs at the time. During one of our extended ‘downs’, he decided to move back to his home state to provide a better home for his young child. We since reconciled and have been doing LDR ever since, which has been about 4.5 years or so. Neither of us have any intention on moving anytime soon as we both have school-aged children that we are parenting in a joint custody arrangement. We both have great relationships with our ex’s, and neither of them would stand for having one of us move the kids away from them in order to be together. So, basically, my SO and I are stuck in our respective towns, raising our own kids, at least until they go away to college – which is at least 10 to 12 years from now. Has anyone ever done something like this? We do love each other, but we’ve never really lived together. Is this worth the massive time, heart and money commitment? We would give up any hope of having a ‘normal’ life at least until we are around 50 or so. I know that I want another child, but I would have to give that up too. I do feel that we are meant for one another, and otherwise everything is pretty amazing between us (apart from the usual stresses of an LDR). We see each other about once a month. Any thoughts that you fellow bees could offer would be greatly appreciated. I’m specifically looking for advice on this issue: I’m at the point where I’m trying to basically determine whether this is all worth it, or whether I should just try and find someone local and start another family. I feel like I’m putting too many years of my life on hold. But at the same time, I’m not sure how my heart would let him go though at this point!
Post # 3
Ok. I gotta bring the hard truth. Its been on and off again because you really aren’t meant to be. Waiting for him is keeping you from who you are really meant to be with. Life is short. At least entertain the glances of other men, pursue other relationships, and if you are single at 50, then give this other guy a chance. Do you really thing he’s not sleeping with anyone else while you are spending all this time apart.
If I sound jaded….well, its because I am. I was in a LDR for almost 2 yrs. I did learn a lot from that experience, but I wouldn’t do it again. I later realized that we really weren’t the ones for each other – and thats why we could be apart for so long.
Post # 4
Thank you Shortnsweet! I appreciate your honesty! Anyone else – I would love your opinion, as hard as it may be to hear.
Post # 5
I think it depends on what you really want. For some people, this is enough, for many others its not. Its not about wether it is “worth it” but whether this is enough for you. Also, think about the fact that you may be loving the distance to a degree. There isnt someone to work your schedule around, someone else to take care of. If the time comes in 13 years to move together, do you think you could do it and be happy?
Are you honestly “biding your time until you can be together” or enjoying the current circumstances?
Post # 6
I think it’s great that you both have good relationships with your exes and are putting your kids’ needs first. However, I don’t think that a long-term relationship in which you see someone once a month is going to fulfill you, especially as your kids get older and are less dependent on you and you have more time to focus on yourself. It sounds like you and your man are putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. That is natural for a parent, of course, but it complicates things.
I know everyone has unique circumstances, but I feel like, if the two of you really wanted and needed to be together, you could find some way to make that work for you and your families. That might mean altering your custody agreements, and I know that would be hard – but again, if this was something you really wanted, you could do it. However, if neither of you can work out a way to move away from your kids and/or exes, then I think you could be much happier in a relationship with someone who can spend time with you frequently and be a part of your family. 10-12 years of a once-a-month relationship seems unnecessarily painful to me.
If it truly works for you, then that’s fine. However, I don’t think you’d be posting on a message board if you were 100% okay with the decade-long LDR. If you think you need more out of a relationship than this, then it’s okay to break it off. He should understand, as he is also focused on his family’s needs.