LDR: needy and want to stop! Help..

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I being too needy?
    Yes : (11 votes)
    61 %
    No : (3 votes)
    17 %
    Just a little bit : (4 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2111 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I was a bit like that too when FI and I were long distance. You aren’t crazy, but you do need to work on it. What helped me a lot was getting my own life. It would bother me that he’d be having fun with his friends and I’d be an hour away sitting at home watching tv alone. I lived for the days we’d see each other and the time spent apart was spent waiting until I could see him again that weekend. People would invite me to hang out or do whatever, but I couldn’t go because I had to see him that weekend. It was hard to make friends when I was not my own person.

    Eventually it got really bad and FI felt smothered and we broke up. I HAD to make my own friendships and learn to enjoy being with myself. It sucked at first, like all breakups do, but it ended up being liberating. We got back together and FI loved that I was independent again, like I had been when we first met. I didn’t need to spend every weekend with him or text him all day. I made my own friends and got my own hobbies.

    I think you should do the same, minus the break up. You said you don’t have friends where you are. How are you supposed to make them when every weekend you’re making the rounds out of town? See if that coworker wants to hang out. Take a class or join a club, learn a new hobby and meet new people. Make new friends. You feel lonely and latch on to your boyfriend because there’s nothing else to occupy your time with. Go out and find people, find something you enjoy doing and go do it.

    I promise you, nothing is more amazing than realizing you don’t NEED to be with your SO, but that you WANT to be with them.

    Post # 4
    Member
    965 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    You sound very anxious. Try and find something that helps with that anxiety. I spend a lot of time away from my FI for work and when I start to feel like I am being too “text me every 5 minutes” with him, I do something that makes that feeling go away. Usually, that’s exercise. It creates endorphins, reduces stress, and I think of it as bettering myself. It’s productive and my mind doesn’t keep going to that “I need to talk to him” place. 

    Also, get more friends. I know that’s easier said than done, but not impossible. Volunteer at an animal shelter or with the Girl Scouts. You will meet more people and eventually have more friends. Look up alumni clubs from your alma mater and go to game watches to meet people. Seriously, having friends will give you that connected social interaction you are craving on a daily basis and you wont need to get it all from one person. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    108 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    You should do some things to make yourself more confident. You have good insight, because you recognize that you’re going overboard with desire for attention from your BF. I think you should join a gym or go to exercise classes or something of the sort. Not only will it take up some of your time and distract you from being away from your friends/family/BF, you might make friends in your new area AND you’ll gain confidence and feel better about him not “forgetting you.”

    If working out isn’t your thing, I think you should seriously consider joining some sort of organized activity for people your age. You have a job in that area and potentially will be staying there for a long time, so you should start developing a support system so that you’re not traveling so often to get that. (Obviously, don’t desert your family or friends, but for your own mental health, I think you should work on finding new interests and friends in your area.)

    Good luck! 🙂

    Post # 6
    Member
    744 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @willow_1960:  Yep I agree with PPs you should make a life in your new town.  I have a feeling that once your life doesn’t revolve around your boyfriend he will be more interested in what’s going on with you.  Not to say he is being a bad boyfriend now… His plate is just extremely full at this point.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @HonoraryNerd:  +1. This is good advice.

    I was the same with my ex, but it was the other way around – he moved away and had this amazing life (or so it seemed) while I felt left behind. I went to university and got a wider circle of friends and started doing much more socially, besides also being kept busy with exams. That made me feel  less needy, definitely! Invest in getting to know some new people, going to the gym, taking some time just to have a glass of wine and read a book without contacting anyone. It will help 🙂 

    Post # 8
    Member
    3519 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    This is going to fall in the tough love category:

     

    To be perfectly honest, I’m surprised you only live 2 hours away from one another.  The way the post reads, it’s as if you feel like he’s deployed in Afghanistan or something.  Maybe this is more of a manifestation of your insecurity in the relationship–you use words like “neglected”, “needy”, and “anxious”.  It sounds as though you need to focus on YOU right now, your new job, your new surroundings, making new friends, and treat your relationship as something that enhances your life, not something that defines it.

    Post # 10
    Member
    11734 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think that it’s time for you to find a hobby and make some new friends wherever you’re living.  Join a club, take some classes, make more of a point to hang out with colleagues outside of work – DO SOMETHING other than sitting home and wallowing.  It’s not healthy for you, and it’s not healthy for your relationship.

    If he’s in military training, what are you going to do if he deploys?  If this is what it does to you for two hours, what are you going to do if and when he’s on the other side of the world, unable to tell you that “no love, you aren’t too needy”?

    Post # 11
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @HonoraryNerd:  +1000000, as someone who was in long distance relationships of different varieties from 2005 to 2013

    Go make a life for you, where you live. Having a long distance life (friends, family, bf) is a recipe for stress and depression. I would know. It wasn’t til I needed an immediate support group that I understood this, so hopefully you learn faster than me. Go find happiness where you live with people around you. This isn’t mutually exclusive to your current relationships. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1772 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I’m also concerned about the fact that he has military training and I feel like we need a little more info here. Is he going to be an officer after college, or is he in the Reserves? If he’s going to be active duty, there’s a good chance that even if he doesn’t deploy he’ll be stationed somewhere much further than 2 hours from you. And if he is/going to be a Reservist, how are you going to handle drill weekends and weeks of training?

    My husband is active duty and about a year and a half ago I moved 12 hours from all of my friends and family. I’m lucky enough to have him here most of the time, but for his 6 month deployment I had to learn to make this new place my home on my own. I made friends with my coworkers, went to the gym, and tried new things as much as I could to make the best of it. I think you need to do the best you can at making a real life for yourself where you live now. 

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