Weddingbee boards

My bf and I have been dating for around 18 months, and have been doing things long-distance for around 6 months.  I moved away for work; he encouraged me to find and take this new job and said that we could work things through.  A month before I moved we went to a wedding where he got really drunk and blabbed that he thought about us getting engaged before I moved, which obviously didn't happen.

Before I moved we had discussed getting married and had worked through one of those "questions to ask before you get married" books together, even if the book was targeted to a slightly different audience (we borrowed it from a friend and it was highly religious, but we got a laugh from it and bonded over that).

Things have been really tough for me after the move (I really don't like the new town) and I've been leaning on him pretty heavily through all of that (probably too much now that I think about it).  Over the holidays his younger sister got engaged (she claimed her wedding would be in two years, which is around when I thought my bf and I would be getting married).  He seemed really happy about it and was googly-eyed at me for a couple days, but didn't bring up us getting engaged eventually.  Also during our holiday he was much more verbally affectionate that he has been in the past, which I really appreciated and enjoyed.

Before I left to go back home, we got into an argument about getting engaged.  I asked him if he had thought about it.  He said no, and when I asked him about it he said, "I don't want to get engaged to a miserable person", which really hurt!

After the argument he said that he didn't want us getting married to be a crutch for whatever is wrong with our lives (I don't feel that it will be, considering how our relationship was before I moved), and when I mentioned that I was tired of looking for the person I would spend my life with and have grand adventures with he said that I didn't have to worry about looking anymore.

Our original plan when I moved away was to see if things still worked after 6 months and then start making plans to get back in the same town again.  I asked him if we would be engaged in a year (so I could stop talking about getting married since it's bothering both of us), and he said that seemed reasonable but also wasn't really confidant in that.

We had a good chat the night I got back home, and when I mentioned that I was sad that our relationship doesn't seem as good as it used to be he said that he still thought it was a good relationship.  We haven't chatted since then but he did send me and one of his friends a link to an interesting article last night (which I didn't respond to).  I kind of feel like he probably just wants some space and time to himself but I'm also kind of sad since I miss our chats.  At the same time I'm starting to really focus on myself and have made plans to get a new beauty regimen, update my wardrobe, and figure out how to fit in more exercise (on top of my job and part-time graduate work).

My bf can be a bit passive at times, and I'm not sure what I will do if he's still wishy-washy about getting engaged in a year (the whole discussion would have been on the table for about 18 months then).  I'm young (28), but I'm worried about constantly waiting forever (it feels like jumping through hoops, which I hate).  I already feel like a "husband fluffer"; most of my exes (including the more toxic ones) have gotten married.  Most of our friends are getting married or having babies. 

I just feel tired.  I'm OK with having a long engagement; I just feel insecure having "just a boyfriend" over long distance for a long period of time.  I don't really feel like he's more committed, which he's dismissed when we talk about it. 

Any other bees struggling through waiting in a LDR?  Or with a great guy who just seems reluctant to make a commitment?

While calling you a miserable person was harsh, it must have been how he was feeling @ the time. In fact, most of what he's said sounds pretty smart to me. It sounds like you're in a slump in this new town, which is totally understandable. But if you're truly in love w/your b/f & positive about your future, let that be the fuel you need to ensure that an LDR won't be the case for much longer.

You even made the comment that you're depending on him too much right now & that you're really down. He's supposed to be there for you, sure, but can you truly expect him to be super excited about an engagement when you're feeling sorry for yourself & generally negative? Not really. Do you have to be engaged to make the LDR work? Of course not.

... when I mentioned that I was tired of looking for the person I would spend my life with and have grand adventures with he said that I didn't have to worry about looking anymore.

How is that comment supposed to make him feel? Instead of saying that you're positive he's the one for you & that you're just getting antsy b/c you want to make it official, you simply state that you're tired of looking for someone. Truthfully, I can see why he made the "crutch" comment. If he's as passive as you say, it's very possible he's feeling even worse about things than he's leading on.

Bottom line is, don't even talk about an engagement right now. Focus on the relationship. He's not going to want to get engaged when he feels the relationship is suffering @ all. Your plan for self-improvement is a great one. Do what you need to do to feel positive & good about yourself. Too many women get obsessed w/marriage. So much so that they get more depressed the longer they go w/out it. In turn, this pushes their SO's further & further away. It's up to you to make sure that doesn't happen.

I wish you the best of luck! Just keep your chin up.

Thank you Papilllon, mnp, abirdword, CupcakeLove, love108, Tickles, for your helpful comments.  abirdword, your comment makes me hopeful!

I don't think his hurtful comment is necessarily a red flag; it's certainly the only purposefully hurtful thing he's said to me.

I already do a lot of things to get used to the new city (season symphony tickets, dance lessons once a week for two examples) and I am still very unhappy with living here.  The culture on many aspects of living here are not a good fit for my personality or lifestyle, and really the only reason why I took the job was that it was a really choice opportunity for my career.  I really didn't want to move.

Mouse, Dallas is the new city, and I hate living here.  This aspect of the move is not a temporary 'slump'.  I think it's unfair of him to expect me to be in a LDR, then move back or to a new city together on the hopes of "maybe getting engaged someday".  He did say he was cognizant that I have a finite number of years I can "play with" before having kids, but if we move back to the same town and he decides he wants to sit and wait to think about it, I will have wasted 3 or 4 years on the hope with him.  By then I will be 32ish and won't have much more time to find the right person to start a family with.  I have health considerations that might make it more difficult for me to have children than the average woman.  Plus it wouldn't give me the time to enjoy married life before having kids.

We had already discussed getting married before I moved out here and he had strongly considered us getting engaged before I left.  I've already told him multiple times that I thought he was the one for me and emphasized how much marriage was important to me.  I don't think the crutch comment is valid.  We were very happy together before I had moved, and before the job opportunity came up had toyed with the idea of moving in together.  I told him we weren't ready (I don't want to live with someone before getting engaged, and said this was the main reason why I was reluctant) so we put it off.

If I had known that our LDR was going to postpone our engagement by years instead of months I probably wouldn't have taken the new job as I had a lot of considerations for staying in the old city outside of my bf living there.  But we had just started talking about marriage when the job offer came up and he strongly encouraged me to accept it.  When I accepted the job offer I didn't think he was all that serious about getting engaged but by the time I moved I think he was.

He seemed happy to chat last night; we're watching "How I Met Your Mother" together on Netflix.  He said that he's seen a lot of the episodes and mentioned if I wanted to skip ahead without him I could.  I said that I was watching some other show he didn't want to watch without him, and he said, "You're watching 'Say Yes To The Dress'?" and teased me (in a nice way) about it.

I'm giving you advice I'd give any of my friends, so I hope you don't take offense. I can understand why you wouldn't want to make any unnecessary sacrifices, but don't stay just to spite him or anything. I'm not saying that would ever be the case, but if you hate Dallas, you should move, regardless of an engagement. Living in a place you don't like will drain you, for sure!

He's made it clear that he's down to get married in the future, just so long as he feels the relationship is in great shape. Discuss w/him why he feels it isn't & tell him to be honest. Maybe he considers the LDR to be a sort of test, almost? It's okay to let a guy know you're getting a little antsy, but mentioning biological clock & such all the time (not saying you are) is definitely a no-no. It sounds like things didn't get off kilter 'til you moved, which is a very common issue. If you're unhappy here, maybe he can hear it in your voice. Maybe he feels like you're always down & that he's expected to propose to make it all go away (hence the crutch comment). Maybe he feels like the relationship isn't as strong as he thought if the distance is really affecting things.

I don't know what your communication situation w/him is, obviously, but hey, if you're ever feeling low about things, I'm down to meet up for coffee or something. I just moved here from Tulsa about six months ago, only it was to close the gap between my SO & myself. I love it here, actually. I've done the distance thing in two different long-term relationships. I know what a bummer it can be. I'm sure you've heard it, but you just have to make the best of the situation.

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small & it enkindles the great. - Roger de Rabutin

If you can be patient & truly happy just being in a relationship w/him, I'm sure he'll be willing to take it to the next level soon.

I can really relate to how you feel and it sounds like our situations have a lot in common.  I am also in a long distance relationship- 18 months ago I moved to a city I'm not really crazy about and where I don't know many people to take advantage of a good career opportunity.  I trust my bf when he says he is going to marry me and that we are on the same page with our commitment level, but it is still so stressful having it not be official, and not knowing for sure when we will be back in the same city. 

So I know how hard it is to try to focus on making a life for yourself in a new city when your heart is somewhere else, and how that unhappiness can have detrimental effects on a relationship.  Feel free to message me if you want to discuss this further.  Hang in there!