Weddingbee boards

This is part vent, part confessional and part cautionary tale.  It may be long so buckle in.

My guy's guys decided they were going to take him to Las Vegas for his bachelor party.  I had a twinge when he told me (scenes from Hangover ran through my head) and initially wasn't too comfortable but I love my guy and wanted him to have a great bachelor party and big blowout with his friends so he went with my blessing. 

At first, when I was going through the twinge phase, I did ask that it be a stripper free weekend and he agreed.  But then, my rational mind asserted itself and I figured it wasn't a big deal - that even though I wasn't crazy about the idea, it was a bachelor party rite of passage so I said okay to a strip club but I did ask one thing - and that was that they didn't hire private strippers to come to the hotel room.  My guy laughed like I was being silly and told me I was reading too much on line.

So guess what happened?  Yep, his guys hired private strippers.  Now, in my guy's defense, he didn't know anything about it - it was a surprise to him - but he also didn't bother to communicate to his guys that that was off the table.  Also to his credit, he told me the truth about it - after I asked him what had gone on and he tried to aviod the subject. 

So, I was/am pretty upset.  Everything I read about these private strippers was pretty raunchy and sometimes downright disgusting.  Some of the things they offer,I would consider cheating (like bed dances, the whip cream game where the guy of honor licks whipped cream off a girls nipples and don't even ask about "feed the kity" - its revolting). 

So we've had two huge fights about this.  My guy is by turn defensive stating nothing too wild went on and that "it was a BACHELOR PARTY!" and part of him, I think, gets that this is incredibly hurtful to me, particularly since it was the ONE thing I asked that he not do. 

In retrospect, I regret not asking him to communicate this to the guys but I also didn't think I needed too (my guy acted like it was so out of the question) and I guess he didn't think he needed too either but one of us should have.  So girls, if there is something you strongly object too when it comes to the bachelor party - talk it over with your guy and ask that he clearly communicates to his guys what is off limits.  I didn't and now I really, really regret it.

I'm also really angry and resentful of just how utterly disrespectful this was to me and to our upcoming marriage.  I really resent that we as women are made to feel like controlling shrews if we don't send our guys off with a sweet kiss and "Enjoy the strippers, honey!" kind of attitude.  That we're not cool if we're not down with our guy having naughty time with a sex worker.  Why is some naked stranger crawling all over my fiance' supposed to be okay?  Why is him doing a body shot off some girl supposed to be so harmless? 

I'm also angry at his friends and his brother - the guys who arranged all this and who are standing up with us on our wedding day!  I'm particularly upset with his brother because I feel pretty certain he knew full well I wouldn't be okay with that sort of thing but he did it anyway and I think he's an a&&hole for it.  I'm angry at my fiance for not saying no when he realized what was going on.  I'm angry that guys are SO worried about how they look to their friends - about being cool and above all not whipped - as if respecting your fiance means you're controlled by her. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this.  Ultimately, its not a deal breaker by any means but it is very, very painful and infuriating.  I know I have to "let it go" as there really isn't any other alternative but how do you do that?  I can't keep beating my guy up for what happened but I also don't know that I can just shrug my shoulders and say, "oh well" because this IS a big deal to me. 

And how do I act around his brother and friends now?  Part of me knows its best to just leave it alone but part of me wants them to know how much trouble they caused and how upset and insulted I am by what they did. 

I also wonder about the future - I mean, he has other friends and relatives that will have bachelor parties and now I don't trust what will happen but I also know he will resent me if I don't want him to go. 

Can someone explainto me why we women get put in this position or why its become accepted that guys do this to celebrate an upcoming wedding?  Am I the only one who thinks this is insane?

Lastly, if you're the type of woman whose cool with strippers - good for you.  I won't judge you for it but please don't lecture me or try to persuade me that this is no big deal please. 

Thanks for all the support girls - my fiance' and I will be fine - I just need to work through my anger and hurt feelings (which unfortunately, is easier said than done) but it will happen.  I just resent like hell that I'm stuck with these painful images in my head. 

To Jolee - I could go for a good feminist rant right now because I'm feeling one coming on myself.  I just hate, hate, hate that we (women) are pressured and bullied by so many people (including other women!) to be "cool" with strippers at bachelor parties.  That really needs to change. 

I totally get how you feel. My ex went to his friend's bachelor party a few years ago, and I was new to dating so I felt like I was *supposed* to just accept that it was something that guys do and move on. Well, I never really did get over it. I am not okay with the idea of strippers and I never will be. I am really lucky with my FI because we aren't really doing a bachelor/bachelorette party. We are just going to have more of a pre-wedding party with our friends jointly. I am sooo sorry you are going through this. It is really tough to let this sort of thing go even though ultimately you know you have to. I also support the idea of writing everything down. Even though you have already been in two fights over the situation, chances are your FI was in defense mode the entire time and maybe didn't even fully listen to why you are hurting. Write him a letter and explain in calmly in the letter, that way you can avoid having another fight but will still be able to convey your feelings. Good luck, girlie!!

If you have an open enough relationship with his guys, I'd air your feelings. If you can, pull them aside and just tell them, "I was really saddened that you brought private strippers into the room. It was something I had discussed with [FI] and he thought wouldn't happen, but I had to let you know so I didn't keep my feelings bottled up."

Ok wait... did he actually participate in the acts you described??? Because if he did you have everyright to be mad at the groomsmen (for inviiting them) and HIM because of his participation. I think there is a definite line that was crossed if it went from stripping to licking stuff off and doing sexual acts with her... it's almost not stripping but closer to hiring a prostitute.

If this were me, I don't think I could put on a happy face and just suck it up. There was a serious level of trust that was broken.  Like Miss Peach Tree said, how would he feel if it was reversed....

I'm so sorry that he and your groomsmen did this and didn't think how it would affect you and your FH's relationship.

@dovelovesfalcon: The funny (or not really) thing about that article is that I read it BEFORE the bachelor party - its what made me make the "no private strippers" request in the first place so when he confessed that's what had happened - I went balistic and just sobbed thinking about that article and what went on.

To clarify though, he did get a couple of lap dances and did a couple of body shots off the girls but that was about it - no whipped cream game and no, thank the Good Lord, "feed the kity."  (I told you it was revolting!)  So bad, but not nearly as bad as it could have been.  

We're talking and things have calmed down - I know he understand how upsetting and hurtful this was for me and I feel confident that strippers and bachelor parties are firmly in his past.

As for his brother and the other groomsmen, I think I'm going to say something to his brother - I'm going to ask him whose idea the strippers were and after he answers tell him how much pain and grief he caused me (and us as a couple), that it crossed the line in a huge way and that I don't appreciate either him or my FI gambling with our relationship like that.  I think he's having a hard time with the notion that his brother isn't a single guy anymore and I want to tell him that if we're going to be friends, he needs to respect that things have changed - period. 

By the way, to the girls who said they were fine with strip clubs but that this would still bother them, THANK YOU.  I really appreciate that feedback and will be sure to mention it to my FI. 

I'm going to be perfectly honest; I don't have an issue with strippers on a stage in front of lots of other people... lots of other nervous people. HOWEVER, I do have an issue with strippers who are in a PRIVATE hotel room trying to get my fiance to lick food items off them. There is a FINE LINE and your hubby's friends crossed it. You have every right to be angry.