(Closed) Learn From My Mistake – The Bachelor Party

posted 7 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am so so so sorry that you are going through this. I can offer no advice on what to do because I myself am blown away by it all. I did, however, want to thank you for writing this and for writing it so well. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. ๐Ÿ™ ::HUGS::

Post # 4
Member
14503 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am sorry you are having a hard time dealing with this.  I think that you need to take a few days then have a discussion with your FH about what will happen in the future with future weddings.  As you really can’t change the past, but you can agree on the future.  I think that this will start to ease the pain a little knowing that the two of you have agreed to the ground rules.

As for the friends, you may just have to drop this one and do your best to forget it.  Unfortunitely, some men use bachelor parties as an excuse to behave badly with a free pass.  The ones that do are never going to change their minds on this and will only consider you a (not nice word) woman.  I have always worked around mostly men and I have heard all the talk.  If you really need to get it off your chest simply tell them they crossed a line, and you just wanted to let them know that they hurt you feelings then completely drop it.  Men often will respect a woman who is willing to speak her mind then drop it (like they think they do). 

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I totally feel you on this one, I had the exact same reaction when my (then) fiance attended another friend’s bach party.  He mentioned something about a lap dance and that was all it took for me to be sick to my stomach at the thought.  Honestly, I think it’s complete bullshit that, like you said, we’re supposed to be ok with the whole concept and if we’re not, we’re nagging ball and chains keeping our men on a short leash…

Unfortunately, what’s done is done and I think the only thing you can really do is express it all to your guy and try to forget it and move on…It does really really suck tho and I completely agree with how hurtful the entire ritual is…UGH!

Post # 6
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with all of the PP’s that this aspect of bachelor parties is a disgusting ritual and one I won’t put up with my guy partaking in.  I see it as so inherently disrespectful to myself and his promise to have only me (I mean, he put a ring on my finger!) 

I also don’t really view myself as ‘holding him back’ from partaking in these activities because although he is “inherently a guy”… he is a truly classy, respectful man who respects my wishes when I make them clear (and I do the same for him.)  So thank you for posting this thread.. when it comes bachelor party time I will make sure to make my wishes quite clear so we can avoid this situation!

As for advice, I’d say have one more convo with your FH about it and then leave it alone.  Just let him know how dissapointed you are and how sad it makes you feel.  But also let him know that you’re willing to forgive on the basis that he won’t hurt you like that again.  Once you’re settled and he’s apologized, forget about it and enjoy your wedding day – only a few weeks now for you! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

To answer your question about why we are ‘supposed’ to just smile and not care, I would have to go into a really long, feminist rant, which you probably don’t want to hear right now :(.

It’s a stupid tradition and I’m so sorry this happened to you Cry. I agree with all the PPs about trying to move on and just ignoring his friends. Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope thinkgs look better soon.

Post # 8
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I totally understand why you are upset. Try not to take it personal that the guys provided private strippers, like you said they didn’t know it was off limits and if you think about it they were trying to do something ‘nice’ for your FI. These are his friends and it’s really important that you have a good relationship with them going forward, so if anything I’d give them a pretend ‘hard time’ about it like “I heard what you did at the bachelor party, you’re in the doghouse with me!” or something like that the next time you see them with a wink so they know you’re kidding. And as far as future bachelor parties, if you are really against this type of thing, then that’s soemthing you should work out with your FI ahead of time, if he should even attend. Because now you know what happens, regardless of your wishes.

I agree though, it’s totally unfair that we are made out to be the bad guys if we aren’t okay with our men getting grinded on by a naked lady. And god forbid we go to a male strip club and do the same thing!

Post # 9
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh that just sucks! It’s horrible to be put in that situation and then to have to see all those guys…grrr…I’m sorry! Thank goodness you have a place to vent about it, right?

I’m with the other commenters, I think you should say something to the guys in a somewhat calm manner. Also, waiting until you have cooled down just a smidge before you bring it up to FH again is another great suggestion. I’m a fan of lists, so maybe you can make a list of what you want to say, how it hurt your feelings, etc, just so you sound a little more in control. I have a tendency to get upset and then ramble, so I know the lists help me prevent that.

Good luck with however you approach it and hopefully all the bad feelings will be cleared up!

Post # 10
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This is exactly my fear about the bachelor party, I so identify with you!  I really want to be ok with him having a good time with his friends, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of a stripper.  He has said that he is not at all interested in having strippers, but hasn’t said this outloud to his GM.  He just keeps saying they know, because they know him.  I feel like he should have a conversation to put everything on the table, so there is no question.

Your story makes me think I really should push for him to make his feelings known.  We brides are already stressed as it is with wedding planning, the last thing I want to worry about is this kind of drama right before my wedding.  (not that i’m calling you dramatic, I would totally react the same way in your situation)  I don’t want to be left picturing these horrible images in my head, and having bitterness towards my FI or GM on my wedding day.

Post # 11
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I have a pretty great relationship with FH’s friends. Anytime I have a concern about the upcoming BP I immediately go to them, voice my concern, and give them an alternative that I would feel more comfortable with and in a way that they still get to have their fun. FH doesn’t drink, period. But his friends are the type to get sh*tfaced drunk within an hour. He’s honestly dreading his weekend-long BP because he knows it’s just going to be him babysitting the rest of them. I feel bad for him because he knows his friends are just using this as an excuse to have a weekend of fun for themselves. I hope everything turns out alright with you and your FH. 

Post # 13
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I totally get how you feel. My ex went to his friend’s bachelor party a few years ago, and I was new to dating so I felt like I was *supposed* to just accept that it was something that guys do and move on. Well, I never really did get over it. I am not okay with the idea of strippers and I never will be. I am really lucky with my FI because we aren’t really doing a bachelor/bachelorette party. We are just going to have more of a pre-wedding party with our friends jointly. I am sooo sorry you are going through this. It is really tough to let this sort of thing go even though ultimately you know you have to. I also support the idea of writing everything down. Even though you have already been in two fights over the situation, chances are your FI was in defense mode the entire time and maybe didn’t even fully listen to why you are hurting. Write him a letter and explain in calmly in the letter, that way you can avoid having another fight but will still be able to convey your feelings. Good luck, girlie!!

Post # 14
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

That is so low. Not of him, who seemed to genuinely think that it wasn’t going to happen, but of the friends, who knew better. I would be so SO SO furious. Like he wouldn’t be insulted if you had a naked man wrapped around you, with you licking things off of his genitals. How can anyone see this as OK?

I agree with tksjewelry. Say something to the groomsmen about how hurt and insulted for you and let the subject drop. But they have totally violated your trust andfriendship.

Post # 15
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

This is why I put bachelor parties off the table from the beginning. I don’t need to pretend that I’m cool with stuff – I’m not and my feelings are important, more important than making my husband’s friends feel good.

I’m sorry you’re hurt and upset. It will get easier, but what you’re feeling is valid. Don’t be made to feel like the crazy person.

Post # 16
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@lisa105: I never turn down the chance!

IMHO, men go to strip clubs because they like to look at naked women. I think it’s crap that people say they go ‘to hang out with friends’ etc, because obviously there are a ton of bars where there aren’t naked people milling about.

Strip clubs as a bachelor party idea is founded on the idea that getting married is somehow a death sentence for their manhood. It’s ridiculous, they’re acting like big children. Why does the thought of having ‘only’ one sexual partner for the rest of their lives freak them out so much that they have to resort to going to clubs that are designed to objectify women?

Sorry if that offends anyone, it’s just my personal view, and also sorry if it doesn’t flow very well, my boss keeps walking in :).

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