Post # 1
We met aged 16 and have been through alot in the past 7 years ( his cheating, we split up for a while etc) after 5 years and begging him endlessy to commit we finally bought a house together ( huge mistake). The red flags should have popped up well before that we just wasnt suited, while i wanted to buy a house settle down and eventualy get married and start a family all he was interested in was going out with his friends getting stupidly drunk and coming in at 3am but oh well he finally let me get my way and we bought our lovely home a year ago. I thought him having responsibilities such as a house and a dog would make him change he would want to spend the weekend with me instead of me being sat at home alone but no he got worse out till 4am every weekend and sometimes 6am, i would get mad send him texts with no reply, argue the next day as the weekend is ruined because he would want to spend it in bed etc i even once went to find him and dragged him to his parents house but still no change. His behaviour towards me at the time i just thought he was stressed out and it was just normal but having moved out 4 days ago and really thinking about it it was verbal abuse, people who say they love you dont put you down and call you horrible offensive names, he even once got so mad ( at me keeping the light on at 1am – i was trying to make him stay up untill 4am so he would know how it felt stupid i know 🙁 ) he trashed the spare bedroom. When we had just moved in i found out he had done cocaine a few times and i was fuming so i confronted him and he promoised it was the few times and that hes not as stupid to do it anymore so hey ho silly me believed him for a while but i started getting a strange feeling about it so every weekend he was ouit i would check his phone but nope nothing on there, then his friend who originally sold him the stuff passed away i assume drug related at the age of 24 but he never mentioned anything untill this weekend when i checked it and it said i only had a good night out because of the drugs and i am even getting bored of that now ( so i assumed it was happening every weekend he went out which he confirmed the other day it was ) i was so mad after reading the texts i went straight to his parents as i just couldnt put up with his crap anymore i just feel so numb and not happy like im living but im not alive ( if that makes sense) they was furios and hopefully they will help him as after everything he has done i just dont to be there i have had enough. He was confused as to why i had left saying he only came in at 4am and he wants to change adn stop going to town ( he ovbiosuly didnt know i had told his parents) so i said thats not even the main reason you are still doing coke etc and then he admitted he had been doing it all along thats why he could stay out untill that time and that hes told his parents ( i told them) and hes going to stop and taken the first step in admitting it and not going to hang around with his toxic mate etc etc. But i dont believe him as if i had never told his parents he would be doing it this weekend and every weekend untill he dies. Im so sad that ive lost him even though he was an arsehole, i mean i even wanted to talk to him monday about it see what he had to say but he was to busy seeing his friends but yet wants me to come back :S i heard my family talking and they all think i will be back for the weekend but i think its such a big deal and i dont want to go back i dont think i will be happy especially not now as i have lost all trust. I just feel guilty for leaving i mean what if anything happens to him, what if he gets worse i would feel like it was my fault even though i know its not as by telling his parents its thir problem now. I also feel mad that i have to leave and stay at everyones house feeling uncomfy and not really see my dog he should leave, surely him by himself right now is not a good idea but everytime i have tried kicking him out before he refuses to leave as its his house to. I just dont know what to do because i will lose everything and he will be an arsehole if i get the solicitors involved 🙁 ironically he has just text me asking how my day at work is, what a nob i mean does he even know what hes done? the hell i have been through :@ he even said we could start a family next year before all of this so he was planning on lying about that or being a coke head dad arghhh im so confused at the minute
Post # 2
All I can say after dating a person who had a serious coke problem RUN and don’t look back
Post # 3
jadewalker: I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Please do not go back. This man abuses you, has anger issues and substance abuse issues – the lack of commitment is the least of your worries. He is not your responsibility and it wouldn’t be your fault if he gets worse – you can’t help him if he doesn’t truly want to change his life.
Is the house in both your names?
Post # 4
jadewalker: Do not go back. Get a lawyer to make sure you get your share of any equity in the house. Get yourself some counselling to help you understand why your self esteem is so low and you are so needy that you would stay in that relationship for so long.
Good luck to you. You need to take care of yourself. He is an adult and responsible for himself.
Post # 5
Dating someone with a substance abuse is scary. You’re not in a relationship with just him you’re in a relationship with cocaine as well. Speaking from personal experience I had to get help from a therapist to understand WHY I stayed. Why did I put up with the abuse. Why I felt the need to save him. Why I made excuses for him. To see him get put together then fall back relapsing. Going to meetings with him. Dealing with his lies. Never knowing what tomorrow brings. Which version of him you’ll come home to. Its not easy but you need to leave. Get counsiling. You’re not responsible for his actions. He needs to hit bottom and get help on his own terms. You are holding the relationship together. In essence you’re enabling him. You deserve true love. Not this. This isn’t what love it. I hope the home is in your name. If not get a lawyer and sort it out. You’re not married, you have no kids. You can come out of this just fine and move on with your life. Keep us posted!
Post # 6
I have dated two addicts and let me tell you
if he says he isn’t doing drugs, HE IS
If he says he is not lying, HE IS
If he says he is going to stop doing drugs, HE ISN’T
If he says he wants a future with you, HE DOESN’T
Drug addicts are the most manipulative, lying, selfish people and until he is clean and sober for many years he is going to continue to be like this. I have spent several years learning this hard lession and if I could spare anyone from having to learn the hard way I will. Living with an addict is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
The only thing addicts care about is their next high
Post # 7
As someone who has dealt with a coke addict and crack addict I think you need to get out of this situation permanently. Call the police if you have to. Tell them he is abusive and you do not feel safe in his prescence. Especially since he has trashed things in the house. He needs help that you cannot give him. It takes a lot for someone like him to change. You are both still young. You have your entire life ahead of you. This is not your fault. This will only get worse.
Post # 8
You should have kicked him out, such as to his parents’ house. Is he going to take care of the dog?
I went through something similar with my ex, without the drugs as far as I know but we finally bought the house and lo and behold everything just got worse. We were further from downtown so he wouldn’t come home at all usually, maybe stayed with friends. He ended up just telling me he was unhappy and moving out. By the time he wanted to move back I had moved on. Best thing ever for me really that he was the one to end it so I didn’t have to. You’re going to have to stay strong to be the one to end it. But this is no way to live your life.
Post # 9
Please run while you still can. I dated a man I was madly in love with… and then when he started acting strange and wouldn’t answer my calls, I walked in on him and a friend doing METH. I found out it had been going on for a while and he had a problem with it in the past. I broke up with him and a few months later he came crawling back saying he was sober. He looked like a freaking zombie, he had lost so much weight and his face was sunken in. And he was sober until he moved to a different state to be with his daughter and then within a month he was at it again. I have kept tabs on him from long distance over the last year, and all I can tell is that it gets much worse. He can go a few months being sober, but as soon as something negative happens, he goes right back to it and it is so much worse than the time before. Each time he starts to sober up he claims he has had an “ephiphany” and it will never happen again, but I’ve seen the cycle unfold too many times to know that he is lying. He even checked himself into an inpatient rehab, but within a week he busted out. Since he lives out of state and we are not together, I don’t have to deal with him… but those few months when he still lived here and I knew he was on drugs was the worst hell of my life.
Post # 10
Why do you need to leave? Kick his ass to the curb and stay in YOUR HOUSE with YOUR DOG. He messed up. He needs to pay the price. Not you.
If he is serious about getting his stuff together, he needs to get in rehab.
Post # 11
I once heard the recorvery rate for meth long term is less than 3% so basically a hope in hell.
I have an 18 year old brother we were talking about drugs and I told him trying drugs is pretty much like putting a gun to your head, pulling the trigger and hoping it doesn’t kill you. Once your on that path few get off.
There is a saying that you don’t see many old drug addicts their either in jail or dead.
Post # 12
jadewalker: i have left not one, but TWO men due to cocaine addictions. it is an awful drug. get away from it and him. that’s just my reaction after my experiences.
i was in the same situation with men who were hiding it from me, not wanting to settle down or participate in normal life, and i finally got fed up. it was awful. i’m so much happier now (this happened the first time when i was 23 and ENGAGED to the guy, the 2nd time i was 29). i’m 33 now and happily married to a guy who can have a good time with a few beers but is settled and enjoys spending his weekends with me and not hungover on the couch.
Post # 13
Do NOT blame yourself for not seeing the red flags! I have been in a similar situation and I didn’t see them either- it’s because we don’t do drugs so obviously we don’t know what to watch out for. And we love them so we don’t want to believe they’re lying to our faces. We don’t want to suspect the worst without evidence, there’s no fault in that.
You need to decide what to do with the house- either he buys your share, you buy his share, or you sell it. Because you are not going back to this relationship, it’s over!
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
He has a place to go. If he doesn’t want to be a real adult, off to mommy and daddy’s. Kick him out and take your house back. Lawyer up. Sell the house. Settle up, and move on. Addiction may rule his life, but it does not have to rule yours.
Post # 15
Thankyou so much for your replies i didnt even know the post had sent I just needed to let it all out. I moved back in at the weekend because I couldnt afford to live elsewhere and still pay half of the bills. Reading your comments has made me feel so much better, as he keeps telling me he will change and not go out anymore etc but obviously he is just lying. We are joint owners so he would have to buy me out or sell it as i cant afford it by myself :(. It so hard leaving someone after all this time as i still have hope that he will actually change but reading your comments it sounds like hes not going to 🙁