Leaving Widowed Mother after Wedding

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

msapollonia84:  If she’s not yet 70, she is not old. Yes, it will be another big change for her, but most women are very strong, and she will adapt.

If you are really worried about her falling, and not just worried out of guilt, you could get her a “First Alert” type necklace. They go by many names, but she just has to press a buton to get her contacts (whose phone numbers are pre-programmed) notified.

Most parents do not have their adult children living with them until they are 70. Focus on the positive support that  you have been able to give her over the last few months rather than the fact that you are moving out now.

Post # 3
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I say try the move and see how it works. Maybe have a conversation with the brother who lives a few houses down or even his wife and voice your concerns about your mom’s happiness. It will be hard. Set up skype in the easiest manner possible and show her how to use it, maybe make a habit of checking in before or after work? Hope everything goes as easily and happily for everybody!

Post # 4
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

msapollonia84:  I competely understand what you’re going through, and I’m so sorry for the loss of your father…

Similarly, my mom is widowed as well but for quite some time now.  My father died nearly 30 years ago.  To top it all off, I’m an only child and she and I are incredibly close.  When it came to moving in with my FI a few years ago, I felt a ton of guilt and worry for all the same reasons.  Once I was out, it was obvious when I’d go over her house that she always wanted me to stay and was having difficulty transitioning.  What I can tell you is it DOES get easier for everyone over time.  Now there are times she doesn’t even answer her phone b/c she’s down at her complex pool or has plans with friends!!    

I don’t know your living situation now but one of the biggest contributors to my feeling “better” about everything is that my mom is in a complex.  She has friends and neighbors at her disposal and she’s on the second floor of her building.  If she was still in the home we sold about 8 years ago, I’d be more worried.     

I bet you anything the hobbies and the friends will become more important than they even are now.  Your concern is understandable and relatable…one day at a time!  Feel free to message me if you have any questions or you just want to vent!  

Post # 5
Member
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have similar fears, even though my mom is only in her mid 50s.  I’m afraid she’ll have a heart attack and nobody will be there to help her, or she’ll slip on ice and can’t get up herself and freeze outside.  I panic so much about it that I make sure I text/call her every day and if she doesn’t answer within the hour, I contact my sister to see if she’s talked to her, or I’ll try her at work.  I haven’t gone as far as driving over to her place yet, but I wouldn’t put it past me. 

Anyway, I think in your situation, talking to your brother who’s 4 doors down might be your best solution.  Maybe just ask him to keep an eye out, check in on her on his way home, or give her a call.  Or is his wife close to your mom?  Maybe she wouldn’t mind?

Post # 6
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Oh my goodness, I totally understand your feelings. My mom is in her early 50’s and until recently was very healthy. I am 28 and I still live with her and my teenage brother. I will be moving in with my FI this October and I am so scared to leave her alone. My brother is a good kid, but he’s a teenager and he can be very selfish. My mom is a single woman, raising a teenager with little help from her ex. She had knee surgery this past May and is doing better, but I’m terrified that she’ll slip and fall in our garage and no one will be there to help her.

My mom and I are extremely close so I have a feeling the first few weeks living with FI, I’ll be calling her a lot just to check on her.

I am so sorry about the loss of your father.

Post # 12
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I totally understand your concerns, I’ve had the same myself.  I lost my mom 9 years ago and it’s just me, my younger sister and my dad.  We’ve gotten so much closer since she’s been gone.  My sister and I are independent, like to travel and my dad is so supportive of us.  He was my biggest cheerleader when I moved across the world to to Australia from Boston, and my sister spent a year in Europe. He’s perfectly happy living in the house he grew up in, spending time with his childhood friends and knowing that we are living our lives how we want to.

I sometimes get the guilts of being far away, but I know I can’t put my life on hold to be close to home in case something happens to dad.  He’s fit, and healthy and happy, and he is so happy for both of his daughters! And yes, there will come a time where dad will need help, and probably will have to go to assisted living/nursing home.  But I can’t stress about it until the time comes; FI will have to discuss moving back to the states.  But until that time, I’m enjoying living in Sydney and looking forward to marrying my FI in 2 months! 

The world is an unbelievablely small place these days—I can make it home in 24hrs if I needed to–don’t let what might happen interfere with starting your new life with your husband

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  aussiejenn.
Post # 13
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

msapollonia84:  FI just moved into his own place last year so he’s fifteen minutes away from my mom’s house and fifteen minutes away from his parents house (but in opposite directions) So when I move in with him, I’ll only be 15 minutes away from my mom & brother.

Post # 14
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

msapollonia84:  the only way we managed to get my very elderly grandma to wear a panic alarm thingy was to turn it around to how guilty we’d all feel if something happened and that we’d all be panicking and rushing over anytime she didn’t answer the phone if she didn’t wear it etc because there’s no way she’d have worn it  just for herself so be prepared that you may have to use a range of arguments to get her to use an alarm

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