(Closed) Left OB/GYN appointment sad… Long – sorry

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

The questions they asked you are standard – i’ve been asked the seatbelt question by them a million times. Especially since they had not seen you in over 4 years, they are totally just trying to make sure your file is complete and up to date.

While I think the way she told you not to wait was less than stellar, she’s absolutely correct in what she said. Your risks for complications and birth defects go through the roof in those 5 years between 35-40. It may not be what you want to hear, and it obviously doesn’t mean you will have those problems, but it’s a harsh reality. It’s a bummer that your personal circumstances didn’t align with your less risky time frame for child bearing. Just educate yourself on the trade-offs and sit tight. I honestly don’t think you’re going to find a doctor who will tell you otherwise, but you may find a doctor that has a softer way of delivering the news.

Post # 4
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i haven’t had this issue, but it’s wrong for the doctor to make you feel that way. plenty of women have babies at age 40! i think she should have said something like, “the older you get, the more risk you have, but anything is possible”. obviously you should be “aware” of things, but she shouldn’t make you feel like you HAVE to have a baby now, especially if you’re not ready!

Post # 5
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Ritz-Carlton, Half Moon Bay

who tells someone to have a baby? that’s just weird. i understand and support that she wanted to make you aware of increasing complications with age, but she was really bad in her delivery. she was *assuming* that you wanted a baby, which i find very judgmental.

Post # 8
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m so sorry about your experience. What a jerk! Can you get a recommendation from a friend possibly? Maybe there is a much better doctor nearby? I definitely wouldn’t see her again!

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I had my gyno, when i was 20, tell me that if i didn’t have a baby in the next couple of years, i’d have a LOT of trouble having one. I was 20, still in college, not even engaged, and my now-husband was in Iraq. He basically shrugged and said, “i’m just telling you like i see it”. I saw a new doctor shortly after and she told me that old man was ludicrous and not to worry at all. She didn’t approach it very tactfully.

But i have always had my conversations with my gynecologists during my exam, in my robe. If you want to have a discussion with her, fully clothed, in her office, you need to probably make a separate appointment. I had to do that once, and the doctor was more than willing to meet with my husband and I at the end of his day. Their time is precious and if you schedule for a yearly exam, you probably only got a 15 minute time slot with her. When i make my appointments, i always mention if there are additional things i want to talk about–this way i get more time if it’s more than just an exam. If you don’t like the way she runs her office, i highly suggest getting a new doctor. I had to go through a few before i found one i really like that meshes with me best.

Post # 10
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

A month ago my new gyno (who I’m not planning on seeing again) said that I either could take the pill he was prescribing or get a hysterectomy pronto, and added sarcastically “don’t you want babies in the future?”  When I asked him about what sort of diet I should go on, specifically low carb, he replied with “No duh, you need to diet.  It’s like asking me if getting a personal trainer would be beneficial to you. *laugh* You need to work hard at losing weight.”  Then I asked him how many grams of carbs I should eat in a day, and he said he didn’t know!  I’ve left messages with my GP requesting a referral to another gyno or a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  You should look into seeing a different doctor.

Post # 11
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

While nothing excuses a doctor for having no bedside manner, the hard truth is a lot of them don’t.  Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would do some research and ask around and find a doctor that specializes in late in life pregnancies.  You’ll find that they are going to be a little more compassionate than what you have experienced.

Post # 13
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

Please, don’t take this the wrong way, but she was telling you the truth. Yes, she has NO bedside manner and the reason I switched from my last gyno was because she was rude as well. But, I think it’s common knowledge that when you get in your late 30s or 40s, it’s pretty hard to even have a baby. It’s a personal choice when or when not to have a baby, but if your career and other circumstances in your life are preventing you at this stage to have a baby, would you have liked her to sugarcoat it or lie to you by telling you that having a baby at 40 is guaranteed and there will be no complications? I would have rather heard the truth, but that’s me. I would def. suggest you find another doctor because if she’s like this now, I can’t imagine her being more sensitive when you are actually pregnant.

Post # 15
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

@Mrs.Firefly1: i would totally switch doctors!  You doesn’t have to say “you need to do it now” instead she could say the risks and complications get exponentially worse so the sooner the better.  Huge difference.

My last OB told me that I shouldn’t get the breast cancer genetic test unless I willing to have a preventative double mastectomy.  Umm no.  I should get the test because my mom and aunt have the gene and then figure out what to do next.  I have read tons on the issue and prophylactic surgery is not necessarily the best idea (although it is definitely one option).

I want my doctor to be honest yes, but also open-minded and sensitive at the same time.

Post # 16
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i’m sorry to hear about your bad experience. = the information she gave you was definitely very important to hear because the closer you approach the age of 40, the higher the probability of having a child with birth defects is. Chromosomal birth defect (e.g. down syndrome) probabilties at the age of 40, are approximately 1 in 100 and at 45, 1 in 30 — at least that is what I learned in graduate school. The statistics might have changed since then. Non-chromosomal birth defects also increase. This should definitely NOT be a reason to not conceive though! It’s important to know the risks, but it is also important to make choices that are best aligned with your and FI’s future. 

Case in point – someone very close to me has 3 children. Two she adopted because she was told she could never conceive. One of these children has autism, a chromosomal birth defect that stunts his growth, and is mentally retarded. Then after the age of 40, she conceived a child and he is completely happy, healthy, and a brilliant child! She loves her children all exactly the same. 

The point is, even if you do conceive a child at an older age and the probability doesn’t land in ‘your favor,’ I would guarantee you would still love your child just as much as you would if your child was without any birth defects. Your child would come from you and your FI and the love you would have would supersede anything diagnostically wrong with your new addition. 

I hope that helps. In the meantime, perhaps consider switching doctors to find one more accommodating to your emotional needs. It’s important to have a doctor that is well-versed and educated, but bed-side manner (in my opinion) is worth just as much. 

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