@savealife: with all due respect to family, I am in the position of your DH and I hate it. The thing is…yes people go through hard times but in my case its because my IL’s seem to be making bad choices (which is a bit diff).
The reason I dont approve is because I dont want them thinking we will always be able to just fork over money because we need to be responsible for our own futures and our future children. The parents are at the age they should have things in place for retirement and they have nothing….which can scare a spouse (like me…) into thinking WE are their retirement plan…. thats not fair to put up/you guys in that position!!!
We cannot afford to just have all of our resources going into his family a) because we need to make sure we are going to be ok, b) our future kids are going to suffer, and c) I also have family that I need to have available resources to help if needed…. if something like a heart attack happened to his dad of course we would be there…but I fully expect them to have some provisions of their own ie: what if this happen during the time Im on Mat leave and we’re struggling ourselves that year because Im not working??? we cant help…. they need to be able to be self sufficiant to some capacity!
I am mainly scared that their problems are going to become OURs and that simply cant happen or else our marriage is going to be gone! In this day and age you cant let anyone elses crap interfear with your marriage which is the most sacred thing in your life family or no family! You HAVE to be able to work as a team and if giving over money and having family put their problems on your plate is happening without the other persons “ok” then 2 bad things have happend.
1) that person has divided you as a team that you are supposed to uphold over any/everyone else, and 2) you’ve let other peoples issues into your marriage…. = bad news bears.
I know it sounds harsh, but Im sorry to say your DH is right! He’s probably more concerned about the long run, and how long and how often is this going to go on!!! When we did our marriage course bfr the wedding we were taught that we of course help and respect our families but our spouse comes first, our children second and our families of origin 3rd!
The thing you have to think if is yes you have money in the bank now…but what if something happened in YOUR lives and you needed it. Im speaking from my parents experience because my stepfather did the same thing….constantly filtering money they had sitting in the bank to his family and guess what… one day he had a heart attack and several other things happened and they had no money to help them…… I was in school….. so now what?
All Im saying is I know what its like on both sides of the coin because my parents went through it and I saw them pay…. and now Im having to go through it and my DH is having a hard time when I get mad at him for forking over money but he doesnt understand that I have seen the result of what can happen……
Im not saying dont help your mom, but maybe you need to compromise and set up rules with your DH with an arrangement he is comfortable with or else I can tell you it will cause major issues in your relationship.