Lending family money

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@savealife:  

I can understand how he feels that lending to family can be complicated.  Maybe he’d feel better if you draw up a promissory note and get it notarized?

Post # 4
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@savealife:  

Maybe its more because she’s your mom and should have her life together,

her lending you money makes sense but not the reverse?

 

Post # 5
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@savealife:  that’s tough! I can see why it makes him uncomfortable but at the same token that is your mother. Have you tried explaining it to him in the reverse (“if you were in my shoes…”) situation?

 

Post # 6
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I feel that you should not lend your family money.  It puts a strain on the relationship and there is the feeling of indebtedness on the family member who owes the money and creates a sense of superiority on the lender– that the lender knows better how the debtor should spend their money.  Also, it’s a really sticky situation when it involves family.  If this is a systemic problem with your family, do you plan on continuing to lend money indefinitely?

I am not opposed to giving a gift to family members when they are having a hard time, but it should be done with the understanding that it is a gift with no strings.

It sounds like you and DH need to have a conversation about finances and priorities and where your limit with this is since regardless of who makes more, it is a joint decision.

Post # 7
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

I would not lend her money. Is there a reason she is having a hard time? There are other ways without lendin g her money. Help her draw up a budget.  Help her learn how to shop better. Pay for a class like Dave Ramsey Total Money makeover for her before you give her more moeny. Giving her money is not helping her sort through whatever behavior is allowing a grown woman to have to ask her daughter for moeny. Think about how that even sounds.  You are denying your mom her dignity and place as your mother byt mothering her and giving her money.  

If you must “lend’ her moeny don;t even bother to lend it to her. If you can’t afford to just straight give it to her, then you should not be diverting the moeny from your household to her household. When you stop rescuing people, you will be surprised how fast they figure it out for themselves.

Post # 8
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@bluefrog33:  You said what I was thinking much better than I could.

Post # 9
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You said they have paid you back and you make more money than him. You have your own money to do as you please with, as long as joint responsibilities are taken care of – then I don’t think he should tell you what you can or can’t do. 

Sure it’s a crappy situation, but if they pay you back and don’t make a habit of it, I don’t see the problem with helping your mom out if you have the ability to do so.

Post # 11
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

@LittleCricket:  Why, thank you! I listen to Dave Ramsey on radio a lot- I just have heard this scenario on his show over and over again and it never ever works out. Plus, I make more money than my family and there is a reason they never ask me for money- they don’t “want” help with their budget. They just want free money. Guess they must not be hungry enough to deal with the budget talk **face palm**

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I wouldn’t, especially if it’s a chronic thing!

Post # 14
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@bluefrog33:  I very much agree with your previous helpful comment, but I would point out that not all couples use a “what’s yours is mine” system for managing funds post-marriage!

Post # 15
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@savealife:  with all due respect to family, I am in the position of your DH and I hate it. The thing is…yes people go through hard times but in my case its because my IL’s seem to be making bad choices (which is a bit diff).

The reason I dont approve is because I dont want them thinking we will always be able to just fork over money because we need to be responsible for our own futures and our future children. The parents are at the age they should have things in place for retirement and they have nothing….which can scare a spouse (like me…) into thinking WE are their retirement plan…. thats not fair to put up/you guys in that position!!!

We cannot afford to just have all of our resources going into his family a) because we need to make sure we are going to be ok, b) our future kids are going to suffer, and c) I also have family that I need to have available resources to help if needed…. if something like a heart attack happened to his dad of course we would be there…but I fully expect them to have some provisions of their own ie: what if this happen during the time Im on Mat leave and we’re struggling ourselves that year because Im not working??? we cant help…. they need to be able to be self sufficiant to some capacity!

I am mainly scared that their problems are going to become OURs and that simply cant happen or else our marriage is going to be gone! In this day and age you cant let anyone elses crap interfear with your marriage which is the most sacred thing in your life family or no family! You HAVE to be able to work as a team and if giving over money and having family put their problems on your plate is happening without the other persons “ok” then 2 bad things have happend.

1) that person has divided you as a team that you are supposed to uphold over any/everyone else, and 2) you’ve let other peoples issues into your marriage…. = bad news bears.

I know it sounds harsh, but Im sorry to say your DH is right!  He’s probably more concerned about the long run, and how long and how often is this going to go on!!! When we did our marriage course bfr the wedding we were taught that we of course help and respect our families but our spouse comes first, our children second and our families of origin 3rd!

The thing you have to think if is yes you have money in the bank now…but what if something happened in YOUR lives and you needed it. Im speaking from my parents experience because my stepfather did the same thing….constantly filtering money they had sitting in the bank to his family and guess what… one day he had a heart attack and several other things happened and they had no money to help them…… I was in school….. so now what?

All Im saying is I know what its like on both sides of the coin because my parents went through it and I saw them pay…. and now Im having to go through it and my DH is having a hard time when I get mad at him for forking over money but he doesnt understand that I have seen the result of what can happen……

Im not saying dont help your mom, but maybe you need to compromise and set up rules with your DH with an arrangement he is comfortable with or else I can tell you it will cause major issues in your relationship.

Post # 16
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@savealife: Im not married yet so i dont know how to answer your question, however,   I know how you feel about your family asking you to borrow money…the same thing happens to me. My parents who have busted their butts to give me everything ive ever wanted are going through a very hard financial situation due to medical bills and one of my parents being laid off 6 months ago. They have asked me to borrow money a few times in the last few months…for bills and such and i honestly would never tell them no. Theyve helped me so much in the past that it is the least i could do if I have the money just sitting in the bank. Its a sucky situation all around.

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