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I think your daughter (the bride) needs to have a talk with her fiance. It sounds like her sister is being infinitely reasonable and is compromising to make things work for the wedding. I hope that he can see that and can understand that this is about sisters and family!
BTW Welcome to Weddingbee!
Hmph, personally I think the groom should be glad she asked. At FSIL's wedding, the groom's sister sneaked in an alternative dress, and changed in the bathroom, then sauntered back out to the reception wearing a Hawaiian dress. I swear to you, our jaws dropped a little.
I think anything that she would normally wear to a wedding (ie, a nice pantsuit featuring colors of the wedding party, etc) would be nice.
I think that unless everyone is given the opportunity to change into something more comfortable, she should wear the same thing the other bridesmaids are wearing. I am sure that they would also like the opportunity to change into something more comfortable.
In all honesty, I think she should wear the dress. It isn't her day, and unless her sister is totally fine with it, I think she should wear it. It's just one night, and it's for her sister. My sister is getting married in July, and I'd wear a garbage bag if she wanted me to. ;-)
ETA: I do agree that if she is able to change, the other girls should be able to change as well. Nobody feels comfortable in a bridesmaid dress. I do think, though, that her sister's fiance is being a little demanding. Like I said before, it should be up to her sister- if she's fine with it, her FI should be fine with it.
Personally, I think the groom is being unreasonable. I don't think the sister should have to wear a dress at all unless she wants to. Being a bridesmaid isn't about you wear, but instead about loving/supporting your friend/family (bride/groom). If the groom is worried about looking like a cohesive bridal party, the sister could easily coordinate with the other sisters in a woman's suit or whatever makes her feel comfortable. Ultimately, this is his new sister and he needs to accept her for who she is from this day on. Forcing her to wear a dress the entire day is not doing that.
Side note: I recently went to my FI's cousin's wedding. The groom's sister (who is a lesbian) was his best woman. She wore a suit the entire wedding and looked great in it. In my opinion, she could have just as easily been the maid of honor in a suit.
This sounds like a great compromise they have worked out. Lots of girls don't like wearing dresses (or don't like the dresses they're wearing...), but they suck it up for a few hours for the people they love. But at the reception I don't see the harm in her changing into something more comfortable to her. Lots of brides change into a different outfit at the reception too! That said, it is just a few hours, and a few hours more isn't going to kill her. I think your daughter needs to talk with her fiance about this, either way. Really what one person is wearing at the reception isn't going to matter an iota on the big day, but it's hard to see that when you're way far out from the wedding---from both the sister's and the fiance's perspective.
i too think she should wear the dress at the reception....thats part of what you sign up for when you accept a request to be a bridesmaid. what about the pictures at the reception? its going to look off if shes the only one not in the dress. also its not fair to the other bridesmaids if she gets to change and they dont.
I agree with Decemberbride. I think she should wear the dress unless your daughter is 1000% okay with her changing. But if she changes, the other bridesmaids should have the opportunity to change as well. And the groom should relax. Come the wedding day, the last thing on his mind will be what his sister in law is wearing. If your daughter is okay with the change, she needs to talk to him about it.
I also agree that she should wear the dress to the reception. It's really only a couple of hours. If the groom is uncomfortable with this, that needs to be taken into consideration. I don't agree with PP that said he is being unreasonable and it should be up to the bride - it's his day too, it should be as much his decision as hers.
I think this sounds like a fair compromise. You mention that the groom is concerned, but how does the bride feel?
I'm going to go ahead and repeat what everyone has said. I think your daughter should speak to the Groom and tell him that she doesn't want her sister to not-be-herself all day. The day is for the coming together of family, no matter what. I think the groom may just be stuck on this (goodness knows brides get stuck on things all the time) and a good chat may be just what he needs :o)
If your daughter the bride is comfortable with the arrangement, that is most important. Every bride is going to have her own vision of her wedding day. If the bride is comfortable with this, great. If she is not, her sister needs to consider what kind of "sacrifice" she is willing to make on behalf of her sister's happiness.
if this is really not a part of the sister's gender identity, i can understand why she wouldn't want to wear it! like some other bees, i think she's being very polite in agreeing to wear it for the ceremony. i also agree that if she changes for the reception, then everyone should be allowed to change, however. and i DO think she should be allowed to change: a reception is supposed to be fun, and if the sister is not at all a dress person, then she probably won't have much fun in an article of clothing she's so uncomfortable in!
I think it is wonderful that she is willing to "not be herself" for the sake of her sister! Even if it is for the ceremony & pictures and she changes later...I think it is important for everyone to support her decision. She was considerate to bring this up to everyone before the wedding and I think you are doing the right thing by supporting her. Your daughters fiance will come around, I am sure of it. What one bridesmaid is or isn't wearing during the reception will be the farthest thing from his mind as he marries the love of his life.
Good luck!
I agree that the compromise sounds completely fair. But I think that your daughter *doesn't* need to discuss it with the groom... as long as the bride her sister (and the groom) are comfortable with what she wears at the ceremony, I don't see why he needs to be consulted about what she wears at the reception. I don't even know why he would even notice it if no one had said anything about it in the first place.
I feel that she should wear the dress.. I've been to weddings where the situation was exact and the sister wore it because the newlyweds wanted her to.
but if she is so very uncomfortable with it, then I think wearing a dress for the ceremony and the photos and early reception (entrance into, and first dances, etc) is fine. I suggest that when she changes she wears a dressier women's suit that won't take away from the rest of the wedding's look (aka not a pair of Gap trousers and a plain shirt but something like silk blouse and dressier pants)
I think both the bride and her sister are working together for a mutual compromise, and the groom is being unreasonable. I think it's really between the two sisters, since they are sisters - and really, is the groom going to just hate his reception because his SIL is not wearing a dress? Uh, no.. I doubt he'd notice and if he did, is it really going to ruin his night? I agree with Spaniel - he doesn't need to be consulted. It sounds to me like there are deeper issues for him, otherwise, why would he care?
I think the groom should have equal say in the matter, it is afterall his wedding just as much as it is the bride's. I also think the sister should wear the dress for the wedding. No matter what your sexuality is, some women just don't like to wear dresses, myself included. The last time I wore a dress was in fact when I was a bridesmaid and prior to that a guest at a friends wedding in October. I loathe dresses. I'll wear one for my own wedding of course, and if I am asked to be in another wedding. Point being, when you agree to be a bridesmaid it's kind of part of the package that you understand you'll wear whatever the bride picks out and just because the sister is a lesbian doesn't mean she should have special priviledges or attire.
Now, if the groom and the bride both decide they don't mind her wardrobe change at the reception, then it's a non-issue....
I'm clearly in the minority here, but I actually think that bridesmaids should not be asked to wear outfits that they are truly uncomfortable wearing. That goes equally for a lesbian bridesmaid who doesn't feel comfortable in dresses as for a plus-size woman in an unsupportive strapless dress, a tall woman in a too-short miniskirt, or whatever. We ask our friends and family to be our bridesmaids because we *like* them, so why make them wear something they don't feel comfortable in? Having perfectly matching pictures is, to me, much less important than having the people in our weddings feel comfortable.
Sorry but being a lesbian seems rather, uh, non sequitur here. When you are a bridesmaid you suck it up and wear a fancy dress all day. Do you really think non-lesbian bridesmaids want to wear that crap all day? No, but they do it because it's one day and that's what they are supposed to do. This is very obvious to me. I think the lesbian excuse is a cop out.
I am not sure what the sister's sexual orientation really has to do with it, but if she is that uncomfortable in a dress, I think it's a good compromise that she changes after pictures into something more her style. I doubt the groom will even notice.
i think the way this problem was presented was misleading. obviously the bridesmaid's sexual identity isn't what's stopping her from wearing a dress. plenty of lesbians just love dresses. the reason her sexual orientation is even mentioned has to do with queerness. the fact of the matter is that gay men and women are more likely to have gender identities which don't fit into the male/female binary, and i don't know anything about this bridesmaid's gender identity, but she may not just not be a dress person, but actually feel like wearing a dress is somehow deeply betraying a part of who she is. it's not just wearing something ugly or unflattering but something that's for a person completely different from who she is. i don't know this person, but again, i really think the fact that she's wearing it at the ceremony is a good compromise, and i agree with what a few other people said about the groom: there seem to be some 'deeper' issues there if he's actually concerned about whether the bridesmaid will be wearing at the reception. i'm kind of in the "i would rather my bridesmaids be happy and comfortable than feel uncomfortable and out-of-place" at my wedding. my bridesmaids will have A LOT of input into what they say and will definitely not be wearing something they feel very uncomfortable in. i want them to shine and have the best time they can, as well as feel completely at ease with me and the decisions i made on my wedding day.
I think the sister should be able to wear whatever she wants in terms of pants v. dress during the ceremony or reception. Its kind that both girls want to compromise, but the groom is being unreasonable in my opinion. It seems awfully controlling and childish to think that a girl in pants will just ruin it.
I think it should be up to the bride and her sister. The compromise sounds great to me. Maybe the bride just needs to explain how she feels to her fiance.
I, too, don't see what sexual orientation has to do with it. Lots of straight women aren't comfortable in dresses. I personally think that what the bride and groom ask you to wear should be worn for the whole event.
Whatever she wears, it should be something she wears all day. The changing will make things more stressful for everyone. Maybe she should find a pantsuit in the wedding colors??
Honestly, I think the sister gets points for agreeing to wear a dress at all, sexual orientation notwithstanding. I know plenty of girls who just hate wearing dresses and I gave my sister(the posterchild for tomboys) the option of wearing whatever she wanted, including a tux. she ended up choose a dress but that was her choice. My fiance was not consulted and honestly didn't care (we've been in several weddings where there was a "groomsgal" and several "bridesdudes").
I would like to thank everyone for their comments. I have passed them onto my daughters. It is interesting to get different perspectives. Regarding the other two bridesmaids, they are choosing their own dresses, so they wwill not be 'stuck' wearing something they are not comfortable in and won't need to change. I am going to leave it up to the bride to sort out, and I wil butt out as the interfering mother (mother-inlaw). It is a year till the wedding so I am sure this won't be the only problem to crop up. Thanks again.
When someone asks you to be in their wedding, it is an honor. This is the bride (and groom's) one day that is truly all about them, and I believe that their bridal party should honor their wishes. After all, it's only for one day!
I think it's one thing if a bridesmaid didn't want to wear a certain dress because of her beliefs (for example, an LDS bridesmaid who doesn't want to wear a shoulder-bearing dress due to her religious beliefs,) but it's not the same thing as a bridesmaid who doesn't want to wear a dress just because she doesn't like to wear them. ;)
I know many girls who hated the dresses that the bride picked out for them...but they sucked it up and went with it for the day because it wasn't their choice to make.
One of my bridesmaids (my sister) is a lesbian too, and she doesn't feel comfy being in a dress either, but she was honored I asked her to be a bridesmaid and has been really cool about wearing any dress I chose. I did take in consideration length and necklines, etc to make sure that I found a dress I loved, but knew that she would at least be semi-comfy in. If she wanted to for some reason change out of the dress after the wedding and all pictures, and organized bridal party dances, I wouldn't be offended...just want everyone to enjoy the day!
My sister's a lesbian too. She wears casual hippie dresses pretty regularly, but I knew a bridesmaid dress wasn't going to be her thing. She's been totally awesome about it though. I think my dad might have had a chat with her or something. I'd be totally fine with her changing after the ceremony if she wants to though. What's the big deal? We'll get all the formal pics done first then who cares? My fiance's best woman has already declared she'll be wearing sneakers on the dance floor. I really don't care. They are doing all kinds of nice things for me for the wedding. The least I can do is not care what they wear after the ceremony. I'm even letting my fiance and his groomsmen wear ties with skulls printed on the bottoms. They'll be hidden for the ceremony and pics with thier jackets buttoned up, but then they can rock out at the reception!
I think that the groom is being unreasonable. The agreed-upon compromise sounds perfect to me.
This doesn't sound like an issue of lesbian vs. straight to me. It sounds, as posters above me have said, like an issue of gender identity. It seems like the BM just feels very uncomfortable wearing a dress because she doesn't identify that way. How would the groom feel if he was forced to wear a dress? She probably feels the same way.
I think that the fact that she agreed to wear the BM dress for the ceremony and photos is generous enough.
And as far as it being the "bride and groom's day" well, yes, that is the case, but I'd think that the bride and groom would want everyone in their wedding party to be comfortable and happy.
My suggestion is to tell the groom to get over it. This sounds like a very reasonable compromise to me. This message should come from the bride, not others in the family.
@ Banitoo- Amen, amen, amen! Whether or not someone likes to wear dresses has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. I highly doubt people would be so accomodating to a 'straight' bridesmaid who simply didn't want to wear the dress. She would likely be dubbed "difficult" and everyone would be voting to kick her out of the wedding party. I'm not sure what being gay has to do with any of this.
One of my sisters is a lesbian- and she will be wearing a dress in my wedding, as she has in all of the other weddings she's been in. If she doesn't want to, then she doesn't have to be in the wedding. Period. I feel no need to make special accomodations for her- she's homosexual, not disabled! I would no sooner make exceptions for her than I would anyone else who simply didn't want to wear the dress. I have been in 7 weddings, and I just wore the stupid dress, 'cause it's what you do- it's part of being a bridesmaid! I didn't always like the dresses or the colors- and you know what- the brides didn't change the dresses to accomodate my likes/dislikes. Nor should they have. I felt honored that all of them asked me to be part of their day, so I did whatever was asked of me. It's called being a friend!
As Banitoo said, the lesbian excuse is a cop out. And quite frankly, it's offensive.
@ Monkeygirl
I think technically, you are right that being a lesbian does not, per se, have anything to do with the question. 2 of my 3 BMs are lesbians, and there was no question as to whether they would wear a dress.
The more pertinent issue, in my mind, is the sister's gender expression. A dress or skirt is an extremely gendered piece of clothing, so for someone who doesn't express feminine gender, I think that objection rises above general discomfort or disliking the dress. It is much more like asking the groomsmen to wear skirts.
I would tell the bride's sister she is welcome to be in the party but she has to dress like everyone else so the photos don't look ridiculous with 1 oddball person in a random suit. If she says no, she can be a regular invited guest and she can wear anything she wants to.
I think that the sister should wear the dress all night its part of what she accepted when she said yes to being in the wedding. I think some are being a bit harsh on the groom forgetting that this is his day too. His opinion matters just as much as the brides and should be taken into consideration. Maybe the sisters can compromise on the style of dress. I know its her sister but she doesn't want to open any doors for any of the other bridesmaids to start making special request for what they can/will/won't/ or need to do on her day.
Your daughter, the bridesmaid, needs to suck-it-up and quite frankly, shut up. We have all been in wedding parties and have at one time or another abhorred what we had to wear. If you are in a wedding party, that is the unspoken rule. It is not her day. What if she decides in the future to have a commitment ceremony and has all the bridesmaids wear pants suits and your daughter (the current bride) doesn't want to wear pants. Well too bad. We all have to keep the peace and keep nice family realtions. She needs to wear the chosen dress ALL day, smile some of her biggest smiles ALL day and play the "role" of a happy bridesmaid.
I think that when you invite someone to be in your wedding, you have to let them be themselves. If you truly love someone, you will champion their true self, even if it is technically you and your SO's day. I would let her wear a suit.
My sister/ MOH is a lesbian as well, and has not worn a dress in almost 8 years. She is doing me solid and wearing a dress for pictures and the ceremony, then I am going to let her get comfy and change for the party afterwards. There is no way she would be comfortable in that dress all night long! I want her to have fun, and I want her to know that I accept her as she is.
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My daughter is getting married and wants her three sisters to be her bridesmaids. The problem is, one sister is a lesbia an doesn't want to wearn a dress. Although she really wants to be included in the wedding party, she wn't be herself for the day but she dlesn't want to ruin te day for her sister.
She has compromised and agreed to wear a dress for the ceremony and photograps, she wants to change nto something more comfortable for the rest of the wedding. She will try and wear something that compliments the bridesmaids dresses, in style and colour etc. (e.g. she is not going to wear a MANS SUIT).
I think that this is a god compromise and should keep both parties happy, but the Groom is not happy and feels that this is the brides and that her sister should wear a dress all; day.
Any suggestions?
Jean
Mother of the Bride