(Closed) less than excited reactions to engagement announcement

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
717 posts
Busy bee

wow that is a terrible thing to hear!  and from such an immediate family member.  honestly, i’m ashamed on his behalf for talking about someone like that.

did your doubts start after this conversation or have you felt them before?  that you were more invested and committed to forever and him less so?

i can understand helping your SO grow and better themselves but it’s a give and take. you should both be enhancing each others’ lives, not one person managing and living the other’s life for them while they take the back seat.

really do some soul searching and see if this is the right course for you.

Post # 4
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m really sorry that you had to hear that conversation with his father. I don’t care how strong of a woman you are – hearing something like that hurts. When we announced our engagement, my Fiance put his mother on speakerphone and her first words were “are you sure you want to do this?” He’s an only child and she has always been very over-protective, but boy did that hurt to hear. We’ve come a way since then, but it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for. Thankfully my parents (even though they knew it was coming) had a more excited and appropriate response (as did my siblings) so I felt better that we had his mother’s lackluster conversation first!

All that aside, it sounds like marriage is something to put on the backburner (you indicated that it wouldn’t be for a couple of years which isn’t a bad idea) while the two of you figure out how you fit together and separately. You shouldn’t be “teaching” him how to be a responsible adult…he should be figuring that out for himself and asking you for guidance when necessary. If I were in your shoes, I’d take some time and do a little soul-searching to be sure that you are both in the right place to take as big a step as marriage. Good luck, OP (and congratulations!)

Post # 5
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Pele:  Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry everyone has been so lukewarm and cruel. Your FFIL’s reaction, and the fact that you unfortunately overheard, made my jaw drop. You seem like a very generous and loving person. It does seem like you have your own reservations about your future relationship above and beyond what anyone says, so focus on you, your feelings, your assessments, because no one else will know better. Be honest with your Fiance and ask him these tough questions sooner rather than later, and be sure  to ask yourself those tough questions, like what exactly you are gaining from the relationship and is it in proper balance with what you are giving?

In the meantime, I will ask!! Show us the ring!!! What was the proposal like? 🙂 How did you feel in that moment?

Post # 6
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

look remember that he is your Fiance and not your child. What worries me is how you focus on how you are just so perfect because of how established you are. Well maybe his ego and his lifestyle are being infringed on and he vents to them? I am not saying that this is the case as I don’t know your situation but I know that I had been helping Fiance in a lot of ways and it got to a point where though I saw it as ok and great he say it as him having to change his whole life, which after we talked we both were able to realize that this wasn’t the case and he got to see where I was making changes too. I would talk to Fiance maybe his family is a lukewarm underexcited family and yours isn’t so this seems weird.

Post # 7
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

:/ im so sorry that Future Father-In-Law was so cruel! 

i dont have any advice for you since you havent really shared much about your relationship with your Fiance otherwise. it might be worth considering why the general reception of your engagement was so ho-hum though …

Post # 8
661 posts
Busy bee

It personally sounds like people use you and take you for granted! Do you ever feel this way?

Post # 9
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Pele:  I wish I HAD something to say… how awful all of this must be! Its an engagement, happy happy times not time for doubts and sadness. *hugs* 

Post # 10
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Wow – sorry that you are having those reactions.

I’m curious….. does Fiance *stick up for you* to his dad?  ie:  caveman like reaction….. ‘no one puts baby in a corner’ type of “dont’ talk about the woman I love like that”?  Because he will NEED to stand up to his family for you.  Even if they LIKED you……Fiance will need to be the one that handles his family.

2nd – you’re not his mom and he knows his family.  I would be very frustrated if my Fiance *ordered* me to tell people in a certain way, because I have lived in the dynamic of may family forever and I know them best…… Let him tell them in whatever order he wants.

It does sound like you guys have a lot ot sort out…… why are you waiting years to get married?  It sounds like you are in a “vulnerable” position.  if you are *giving* financially…. what is he *giving*?  It should be equitable, even if it’s not apples and oranges.

Good luck.

Post # 11
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You’re really not alone.  It sucks when people are not excited, or even happy to hear about the good news. I’m kind of in the same boat, but not totally. FI’s mother is hung up on his ex gf being “the one” for him, even though she hurt him by cheating and being a liar. My grandmother simply said “Oh, that’s nice” when I told her. Many of our friends are divorced and bitter, so they were (and still are) mostly saying “Pffftt…Good luck with that”


The reality is that while in my life there are lots of people who are “happy” for us, I chose to focus on the few people that were debbie downers. they rain on our parade. The good news is, and I am sure that you have people in your life that are happy for you both also. Unfortunatly, their saddness may be taking over here. Let me explain. Before I met my fiance, I was kind of sad and down. Most all of my friends were married, and starting families. I felt like it wasn’t going to happen for me. (I was 29 when I finally met my fiance).  I showed my happiness and was supportive of their new and exciting lives, but deep down I was tired of kissing frogs and not finding “the one”. Could it be the people in your life are love jaded? They are sick of it not working out for them? Take a closer look at their situations, and while that is still selfish of them not to share in your joy-they may have some feelings of saddness that they are not willing to address.

Post # 13
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Pele:  iam so sorry your going thru this ; ( hugs

look deep inside yur heart how do you feel he feels about you?

and i dont feel you should have bought your own ring i dont care how lil he makes or if hes paying you back. my Fiance does not make near as much as i do but my ring cost him 3 months of his salary. are you going to pay for the wedding too?

these are things you need to think about.

and f%@$ his father to dare say that avout you.

his own son dosent sound very smart to me.

you on the other hand have a beautiful soul.

blessings and good luck!

Post # 14
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Pele:   At the end he said the conversation went better than he thought it would.  Before calling he told me if he was given an ultimatum between his family and me he’d pick me… 

As to this point – I think your FI is straight crazy to term that conversation as going anything near “good”/”neutral” etc.  Your Future Father-In-Law was emotionally abusive and a bully and should be ashamed of himself.  My initial reaction to your Fiance believing the conversation would have been WORSE if he was issued an ultimatum to choose, is that in reality, it would have been much BETTER if he had been given that ultimatum. At least in that way, if he chose to stand for your relationship, you would have been able to wash your hands of his vile father.

I don’t have a lot else to add. I am happy your Fiance is willing to work on his deficiencies to rise to the plate and be a proper partner for you. That being said, you are a strong and patient women to have listen to this man spew hateful, ignorant things about you. I would have absolutely lost it on that man.

Big Big Hugs.

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