Post # 1
This morning I woke up with eyes like this:
We. Had. A. Fight. A bad one. The worst we’ve had actually…
After all is said and done, it makes me think about how men and women argue. Suffice to say, we do it differently. I once read an article in Cosmo that said when we fight women take into question the entire relationship, and men are focused only on what the argument is actually about.
When me and mr sardine argue, I do this. I take a downward spiral and question the type of couple we are. Not to get into specifics, but we yelled and he left. I fell apart. When he came back about 30 mins later I was doing that ugly scream cry (hence the eyes) thing on the couch in a state of complete ugliness. I asked him why he came back, I thought he was leaving for good. mr sardine said in complete shock that of course he came back! (like duh why would I assume otherwise) that he just left to cool off and think a bit. In my mind, he had left to call his friends and tell them how awful I am and how we are not meant to be together. Turns out thats not what was going through his mind.
Despite the actual issue that we were arguing about, things were made much worse by my concern that we were on the rocks. It raises anxiety, makes me angry and sad. In mr sardines head, we just had an issue that we needed to work out. Which we did work it out. But I think us men and women need to work on our communication differences… We love each other! We will always be together, arguments and all, and I need to realize to address only the topic at hand, to keep the argument manageable. And he needs to understand that his statements and actions (esp leaving!) are going to be taken verrrrry seriously by me, and it is not ok to leave without saying “babe im taking 15 mins to cool off I will be right back”.
Anyone know a successful way of working out an argument? Other than stripping off clothes as you argue (yup Cosmo). We have only had about 3 fights in our 5 years together, but as we commit to marry I would appreciate some tips!
Anyone else feel they argue like this?
Post # 3
I can relate to you when we do have a big blow-up. We rarely fight as well, but when we do, I bring up everything and anything that I possibly can. He, as you mentioned above, focused on said problem. Why do we become so out of control at times? Haha. I look forward to hearing tips, stories, etc.
Post # 4
@Miss Sardine: I get like this too. There wasn’t a lot of stability in my parents’ marriage when I was growing up, so I usually assume the worst about an argument. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of reassurance from DH that we’re just talking out our issues and that is normal. I still have my moments, but I react a lot more calmly to things now. Sometimes it helps for me to take a step back when we’re having a disagreement and remember that we’ve gotten through disagreements in the past and we will again in the future.
Actually, a few weeks ago DH and I were having a disagreement and in the middle of it I randomly thought “I love this man and we can get through anything together”. That was a real turning point for me in my thinking.
Post # 5
I feel the same way when we argue! I think this is the thought process: women say: oh God, we’re fighting we’re about to break up! He hates me now, etc. etc. while the men say: sheesh, why is she so upset about this issue? They do not go into the deeper relationship analysis that we do. I told my FI that I thought we fought too much and it was a problem and he was like what the heck are you talking about? People fight and disagree all the time and we just work through it. I think to them, the fight is somehow separate from the relationship if that makes sense.
We have started doing this: if we’re arguing about something and need a minute to cool of, we get it/give it. Then, we got back and say, when you do X, it makes me feel like Y. Sometimes we don’t realize the effects our actions and words have and how they are perceived by the other person. I am a leaver also, so you have to tell him that he needs to say I’m leaving to cool off but I will be back. And sometimes, you will never agree!
Post # 6
wheh glad to see im not the only one! 🙂