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Ooh that is a hard one. I've always heard how against etiquette it is to 'unask' a bridesmaid, but if she is obviously avoiding you, you may need to ask her point blank - can you do this/do you want to do this or not. If she doesn't respond by a certain date/time, I'd say you probably need to ask her to come as a guest and not as a BM.
Just my 2 cents.
-Bella
Eh... I don't. I think that for me to cut a girl out of my wedding, she would have to like, sleep with my groom, set my dress on fire, be called away on an expedition to the Antarctic.
I think if there is any chance of you being friends with this girl or her mother in the future, you should try to work it out and understand that she wlll have a minimal role in the wedding.
Hmm I would. I would first try to ask her if she still wants to be a BM? And if maybe a few weeks of no response, then you should maybe cut her.
And then if you have her mailing address, send her a card saying you've tried and tired to contact her but since she hasn't been responsive, you will kindly like to have someone else be a BM for you.
It's tough! But best of luck :)
Are you actually friends with her? It sounds so odd that she is completetly avoiding all contact (not just wedding related) with you.
Well I saw her about a month ago and explained to her how important it is to be around and she said she was still interested and promised she would call me the next day. I haven't heard from her since and my calls are still being ignored. It's just starting to get very stressful and still being in school and paying for it, I really don't need that.
@ heather25: yes, I've known her since she was in 5th grade and I was in 6th grade. Our families celebrated all kinds of holidays together, so I wanted her included. She only started this after I asked her and she got all excited and agreed...
Why is she being so crazy! Maybe approach her about non-wedding stuff for a while. It sounds like something else is going on....jealousy? insecurity?
Hmm ... well, I think you totally can cut her. I think it will effectively end your friendship (or lack thereof), and possibly create some bad feelings between your families since it sounds like your families are friends. So, I guess you should decide if all that is worth having her out of the wedding. If it is, go for it. You should be surrounded by people you care about on your wedding day nad who care about you. Not people that make you think, "Why are we friends?"
That's a hard one. Maybetry one more time (leave amessage, write an e-mail)... however you can let her know, you want to talk to her about her interest in still bein a BM. Ifyou get no response, maybe talk to her mom, since that seems to be your best luck these days. Tell her how much trouble you're having getting ahold of her, and that you need to talk to her about being in the wedding from this point forward, bf or not. If, through mom she doens't get in touch with you, I'd step it up to let her know, if she doesn't get in touch with you, she's out.
Hopefully, it won't come to that. When she does get in touch, just be honest and straightforward. Ask her what's going on, that she is so hard to get a hold of. Tell her you need to be able to contact her with much less effort. If she's jealous or uncomfortable, offer to not talk about the wedding other than the essentials. If it's finances have a plan ahead of time as to what, if anything you'd be willing to offer to offset her costs.
But other than that, is it possible to just leave these messages with her mom, and see how it pans out? Ie, "Tell her we're at _____ tomorrow to try on dresses at 1pm." If she doesn't show, "Tell her we're ordering style number XXX. She needs to have it ordered by Oct. 1st." At one of these points, if she drops the ball she can't be in the wedding. (And I'm not saying it has to come acoss like a bridezilla. It's simply fact that if she doesn't have her dress, she can't walk down the aisle.) It kind of sounds like she's not going to put in the needed work to pull this off. I wouldn't be surprised if she says she'll go, or order on time, and just never does.
I would definitely try leaving one more message for her (maybe using several ways of communication?) and asking her if she still wants to be a BM. Explain to her how important it is to you to know soon and how much you would like her to be in your wedding.
If you still get no response - I would send one last message asking her to only come as a guest.
I'm with texaslawgirl, it would take a LOT for me to cut a BM. What do you need to talk to her about this far out from the wedding? The dress? Anything else?
Everybody gets a bit self-centered when they start dating someone new and I don't think thats a good reason to end a friendship.
If I were you I would just keep her informed of what she needs to know and leave it at that. For example, let her know when you are going with the BMs to pick out dresses. If she doesn't show up, pick one without her opinion. Give her the dress information and if she doesn't buy it, she's not in the wedding. Let her exclude herself if she wants.
just leave it at that dont contact her no more and if she contacts you tell her she is out
I agree that you should ask her point blank how SHE feels. It seems that she may be avoiding you because she may not feel up to the responsibility - or maybe she's changed her mind or something. I don't think you should cut her without giving her a chance.
We've talked about it and she has stepped down from being a bridesmaid. Fortunately she still wants to remain friends. :) Thank you for all your comments.
Hello,
One of my friends is doing the same thing to me. I was hesitant on asking her to be part of my wedding because she is unreliable. Great to hang out with, but not good with keeping her word. So I talked it out with my fiance, and he just told me to ask her to be part of the wedding, but don't get upset if she becomes a 'no show'. And so I did. I have 3 girls in my bridal party already, and so I consider her the 'extra' one.
Remember: sometimes friends drift apart, and it always takes TWO to make the effort of keeping a friendship alive.
i agree, sit her down and have a very honest talk. if things dont change after that, cut her out, because you and your wedding dont seem to be a priority to her
I would cut her. The one thing that brides forget about when coming up with their bridesmaid choices is that the bridesmaids have to work together to support you. If you can't rely on this person and you actually have some positive history with her, think about how little she is going to work with your bridesmaids on your shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, etc. You don't want them to resent her (and you) for placing them in a position where anyone is not pulling their weight, especially if you know this already! They need to be able to depend on each other just as much as you should depend on them. She sounds like she will make the wedding planning experience difficult on you and your other attendants.
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I have one bridesmaid who never returns my calls, avoids me on campus, and uses her parents to "chat" between us. We are both in college and I understand she is busy, but all summer I didn't hear from her after repeated calls, facebook messages, and emails. Then I see her mom at my work and her excuse is that she has a new boyfriend. I really regret asking her to be a bm and my wedding is about 9 months away I want to get things squared away early. We used to be really great friends but now.... Would you cut her? Also, how do you cut someone when you can't find (without stalking) them?