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Weddingbee boards
I haven't been on much today, shocking I know! (DD had a few doctors appointments today that were spread out.) Anyway, I have been skimming the boards on my phone while in the waiting rooms and I keep coming across real vs fake threads. It's not just the ring boards. It's the flowers, shoes, dresses, nails, ect.
So let's be honest with ourselves for just one second here. I know there are bee's on here with higher budgets, but I'm talking to the brides with budgets of $0-$10,000. Do you care about the expectations that some have put on weddings? Do you care that some bee's may look down on you for having silk flowers? I feel like maybe David Tutera and his hatred for fake flowers has put that attitude out there.
My opinion on fake flowers? Some look really great. I was in Michaels the other day and had to touch some of them to see if they were fake! Yes, good fake flowers sometimes do cost as much or sometimes more as real ones, but you can always use fake flowers after the wedding or sell them to someone else who might need them if they aren't beat to hell. You know what you are going to do with real flowers? They are going to die and be thrown away in the trash. That's my opinion. And if someone on my guest list is rude enough to say something about it, I will just simply state that FI's and my daughter's allergies can't handle real flowers. And it's the truth, but folks shouldn't have to defend their choice.
Do you care what people might think about your knock off designer shoes? If you are in a long dress, no one is going to notice your shoes and if they do, they aren't going to talk about it for years to come. So if you want to spend $1500 on a pair of heels then by all means do so. If you can't, then don't. The $70 version may look different but they are still cute and still cover your feet.
And this goes for so many things. I feel like half the things people are worried about only get brought up on wedding boards. I can't imagine anyone from my family or group of friends looking down their noses at a limited bar, silk flowers, DIY invites, knock off dresses and shoes, stuffed chicken instead of lobster, ect. My guests are there to share in our special day and not to critique every aspect of my wedding.
Again, this is not directed towards the bees who CAN have a $4000 floral budget and WANT real flowers. or $1500 shoes or spend $20k on food. This is mostly for everyone else who feel like they are going to offend the world if they get fake flowers or only serve beer and wine. I see it over and over again. The advice is usually "go for lesser quality of the real thing for cheaper because I think fake is tacky." WTF.
So my answer to the question? No, no I do not care about what others on a message board may have to say about our wedding. I don't care that they may shake their heads at my $500 worth of fake flowers. I could turn around and sell them for $300. I don't care that all of my wedding day jewelery might be fake. I think real pearls are nice, but they may or may not be in the future budget. Does that mean I shouldn't get fake ones because the wedding community may look down on me? I tip my hat to any bride who can make her budget wedding look like a million bucks because of creativity and patience.
Sorry this is long. I just can't stand seeing ideas being called cheap and tacky because it's not "real"
P.S. I'm sorry if this offends anyone. It's just that I belong to two different wedding sites and the things that people get butt hurt about here is a non issue on the other site. No one uses the word tacky or tries to tell a bride that real is better. They give suggestions for the things that she asks about and they don't try to steer her in another direction because her option isn't popular in the wedding industry. I just wish folks were a lot more grounded here. ^_^
@Miss Tattoo: THANK YOU! I am glad someone was able to finally say what I have been thinking.
The only thing I struggled with along those lines was alcohol. My venue is allowing us to bring in our own wine, but not beer. The mark-up on beer is ASTRONOMICAL. We're talking, $400 for a keg of BUDWEISER. That's more than a 300% mark-up!! For BUDWEISER! You'd have to pay me to drink that piss water! I won't pay $400 for a keg of budweiser on principle alone (and all the Bees ready to jump on me for being all judgy about budweiser can save it. It's BUSWEISER.)
So yeah, I was feeling bad for a little while there about just having wine (open bar wasn't even an option, since I don't have another 8 grand to drop on booze alone) since I know not everyone drinks wine and was afraid people would think I was being a cheap-ass, despite paying $90 a head for dinner, plus a 22% service charge and 25% gratuity (what the hell is the "service charge" for if you're charging gratuity on top of it? F'n wedding venues...) But I digress...
Eventually I got over it. This is our money we're spending here and if we're not spending enough to feed and entertain you for 4 hours, then you don't have to come, know-what-I-mean? At the end of the day, if someone is walking around bad mouthing us because we didn't have an open bar at the wedding we paid for, they're going to be the ones that end up looking like jackasses, not us.
Ok I think I understood your post and I agree. I would love to not do a lot of those things or worry about what people will say and in theory I think you are right that those I'm inviting to the wedding probably wont know or care.
However, I think there is a lot of pressure out there, mainly from the wedding industry. You have the feeling you should do this or that or your day isn't as special as it could be. Brides stare at marth stewart weddings, who has an ulimated budget and feel guilty for not having perfect martha flowers.
Personally I have done some stuff I had no interest in like Save the Dates. I know a lot of brides love them but I think they are a waste for me and I hated doing them. Yet I got all this pressure that I had to do them... why? because its expected. We used to have weddings without them but now there is a pressure that you should have them. So I think the bee is a safe place when you feel that pressure to come and get some feedback. The wedding industry is good at making us feel guilty about not doing enough so I hope the bee is a place where real brides can talk to other real brides and get some clarity
At the end of the day I'm happy to be marrying the man of my dreams!!! =) I've been waiting for this day a long time! But I know in the end all of this will only be a memory of the past in which our lives together began as a family! =) I love being a budget savvy bride!!!
When I started wedding planning I really struggled with it. I eventually realized that we were having the wedding we felt we were suppose to have not the wedding that we wanted for the price we were happy with. Now we are having a backyard bbq with balloons for centerpieces and lawn games as opposed to a DJ. The only thing that would make me happier would be if our ceremony site allowed us to have the space past 9:30 AM... 9 am is a wee bit earlly for me!
I think brides need to do what works for them and not what they think they need to do to keep up with the Joneses. Finding yourself in debt for one day or feeling like you HAVE to do something at your wedding just because of status is a horrible way to go about this joyous occasion.
It's funny that you used flowers and shoes in your example because my dream is to get married barefoot somewhere natural and beautiful (no flowers needed!). I do think there is a tendency to look down on those who choose cheaper options, even if people aren't realizing that they are doing it. Some are so quick to write off something as "fake", but I like to think of these things as the real version of what they are, not a fake version of something else. A CZ isn't a 'fake diamond', it's a 'real' CZ. A silk flower isn't a 'fake flower', it's a 'real' silk flower :) I'm currently catching flak because I want to buy a used wedding dress, but my dress will be no less legitimate than a new one. My family is from NYC and all had monstrously expensive weddings, and I'll admit I'm a bit worried about how my indie, green wedding will be recieved :/ Not that I'd even entertain the thought of changing a thing, lol.
Sometimes people have too rigid of an idea on how something should be. I know a girl who grew up with wealth; money and status are SOOOO important to her, but that's all she knows. It would be nice if we could all be a little more enlightened and respectful of people who choose do plan/do/live in different or offbeat ways :)
An artist is making my real floral bouquet into a painting. I'm not averse to fake flowers, just wanted to let everyone who's having real ones know that there are some pretty creative ways to preserve them.
Yeah, people need to relax about weddings. You don't like it? Fine, but don't piss on it.
I'm all about the budget, I'm in LA too....and I know it's especially out of control here! But, I'm proud when I get a great deal! In fact, my FI keeps telling me to keep it to myself....haha! I mean, why pay more when you can be creative and plan a great wedding for less?
The wedding industry thrives on the insecurity of brides. Most brides are relatively young (and please , let's not segue into that old arguement), and as are most people their age are heavily influenced by peer pressure and the desire to outdo, or at least keep up to, other brides.
To be fair, some brides never grow out of that stage, whether they are encore brides or older first time brides, so I accept the arguement that it is not totally age related.
The fact that you are comfortable making and keeping to your own choices indicates that you have reached the level of maturity it takes to do so.
Well, I think people are entitled to their opinion. If some one posts a "What do you think about this..." type of post, if a person thinks it is tacky, why should they hold their tongue if an opinion was asked for? Some of these projects on here ARE tacky. I understand that we all have different budgets, but there are many ways to have a nice wedding without being shabby.
I have read through some posts where I thought, "you gotta be kidding be," but I didn't submit a comment; however, some people are very out spoken and will actually sumbit a comment like that. This honesty should be welcomed along with the admiration.
SO and I are planning our wedding with under $7000 - not because we can't afford anything more expensive, but because that's what we're comfortable with spending on one day. We're 22 now and have been together exclusively since we were 14. We already live together and have one bank account. As far as the wedding goes, as long as we're married at the end of the day is all that matters (along with some good pics of course). Part of my family owns a florist and they give floral arrangements as a gift from the entire side of that family. The flowers are always silk since that's the only way flowers will travel over a period of time. They look gorgeous and I have never thought twice about having "real" flowers. At the end of the day, what do you do with them anyway? At least I have a bouquet as a keepsake.
As far as everything else goes, the goal is as inexpensive as possible. I'm not going to look back on my wedding day and say man!! I wish I spent more on my cake! I'm going to remember the people and the memories! :)
P.S - A close girlfriend of mine's parents paid for her $30k wedding this past summer. DURING the reception she sought me out and said this is way too stressful!! I'm not even having fun... run away to the beach and make a big vacation out of it. So that's what we're doing :) Even during her gorgeous wedding she didn't think the $$ was worth it!
Do I wish I had a $25,000 wedding budget? Sure! Does anyone in my family have that kind of money? No. It would be financially irresponsible for me to throw that kind of wedding. I'm only having a wedding over $5K because my mom is giving us $4K. It's great that some brides, and some people in general, have a lot of money. I wish money were no object in my life, but it's not.
Flowers in particular are an area that I do not want to budget for. It is an area that I feel I can cut costs with. My wedding dress (honestly) was another. With an $8K wedding, I can't justify spending 1/8 or more of my budget on an item of clothing that I'm going to wear one time.
I think brides who say "that's tacky" and REALLY mean it (because I know we all have opinions around here and sometimes certain words aren't used with any venom): A) don't have high self esteem and feel like they can't do something without others judging them; B) have been given their big budget by someone else; C) are rich; D) are mean people.
For the most part, I've gotten nothing but positive feedback and feelings from other bees. I don't visit other wedding boards, b/c I do want honest opinions, but I want objective feedback versus someone being snooty. I don't feel like people are snooty around here. I feel like there is a good respect everyone has of everyone else's budget and tastes. I'm not including trolls in that statement. ;)
Honestly, I'm middle class, and I'm not going to blow money pretending I'm not for an event that is about love, not impressing people. I think the majority of people we're inviting to the wedding feel the same way, and if they say something rude, I'll just say "well, when you plan your wedding/vow renewal, you can have real flowers." :)
I don't think it matters what your budget is. There will be brides who scrunch their noses at everything someone else does regardless of the budget. Their are also guests that will think, "I can't believe she did that" regardless of the budget. It's different opinions and that's all that it is.
Remember, it goes the other way too. I got a ton of comments about how much my wedding invitations cost (note someone asked how much that I didnt' post)
"I would never spend that on some dumb paper that people are just going to throw out. You couldn't have found something better to spend your money on?"
It's hard to see all these stunning & expensive wedding details day after day and not get a little envious. But I'm glad my family & friends would never consider anything I do tacky when it comes to my wedding. Some of my decisions might be frowned upon by some bees on here, but that really doesn't matter to me in the long run. I've never believed in following a strict etiquette regarding weddings, and it's refreshing to see so many different types on here. It just proves that one can have an awesome day regardless of budget or "fake/real" anything.
@julies1949: "The fact that you are comfortable making and keeping to your own choices indicates that you have reached the level of maturity it takes to do so."
I really agree with that. And I agree that every bride has a budget, and everyone cuts costs where they can. Wasn't there a thread or blog post about that somewhere?
Its funny kind of, I'm on a 20k budget.. sometimes I feel the same way as you do. FI and I were thinking of cutting back to wine and beer because it will save $500 and then we started worrying about guests who don't drink those options and when I told me mom she said "its would kind of suck", so now we're rethinking that decision. I've gone back and forth 10 times over whether I'll spend 2k on my florist (I've already given her a downpayment so I'll have to use her at least 400$ worth) or save 500-1000 by buying vases and flowers wholesale.. I think I've landed on going somewhere in the middle and working with her on the whole process. I also am buying 95$ shoes which I think is too expensive, it will be the most expensive shoes I own by a mile, my dress was less than $300 after alterations which was luck because I happened to love a dress and then look at the price tag to find that it was cheap. I mean, SH!T, we're keeping it a secret that we're honeymooning in Mexico because half the friends I have with look down at my 2k 5-day trip until we come home and show people pictures of how beautiful the vacation was so that they have nothing to say... I think that my point is that no matter what your budget is, you still feel like you're going to offend someone by your cutbacks. I know that anything that looks cheap at my wedding, my friends will say "well, they got married young.. its nice for their age" and I will want to cry if I hear that so maybe that makes me immature but its the truth, I want the most beautiful wedding anyone has ever seen but at the same time I just can't justify some of the costs... so yes, back to my original point.. I think we all have to make choices about what is and isn't worth the cost and no matter what your budget, you're going to end up in that same "should I care that I cut back?" boat
@mwitter80: You are right. It does go both ways. If you want to spend $1800 on invites and CAN afford it then rock on. I would NEVER say that spending that much is dumb, but I would say to someone else who couldn't afford that option and is stressing about it that at the end of the day they get thrown away. I'm making box invites myself and while they won't look like the high end quality Thai silk invites, they are going to be awesome. Am I aware that they are going to be thrown out by some people? Yes, but I'm not spending a ton on them.
I think we all need to choose our wording more carefully.
@Soon2BMrsMiles: Because tacky is so effing overused in the wedding industry.
Tacky: Of low quality; In poor taste; gaudy, flashy, showy, garish; dowdy, shabbily dressed; shabby, dowdy (in one's appearance)
If you are wearing a dress that shows your pubic hair stubbles and your nipples then you are tacky. If you are getting married in your pajamas that are stained with jelly from the toast you had two weeks ago then yes, that is tacky. Buying a $25k dress and making your guest bring food or pay for drinks is tacky.
Having a buffet over a sit down dinner is NOT tacky. Using silk flowers is not tacky. Making your own whatever is not tacky. To me tacky is a behavior and not something you choose to make or have at your wedding. Your DIY tables numbers are not tacky but your makeout session complete with groping at your ceremony is tacky.
Thank you for this post. Especially the fake flower part. After the last thread about fake flowers I started to feel like the flowers I am chosing are "tacky" because they are fake.
I just can't see spending 600+ dollars on flowers that will die anyway when I can get the flowers for little more than 200.
Sure I wish I had unlimited budget for my wedding, but we don't. So we are doing what we like within our budget.
I totally feel you. I know you said that this post is mostly for brides with $10000 budgets or less, but I also think those of us that are having real flowers, or real whatever, shouldn't be made to feel bad about our decision.
I love real flowers, and we are having them at our wedding. I am working with an eco-friendly event florist who also helps us donate our flowers to a charity of our choice. So for those of you wondering what to do with fresh flowers after your wedding, please find somewhere to donate them. Personally, I plan on donating ours to a local assisted living facility.
And I am being totally serious here, who is this David Tutera? Obviously from TV (FI and I don't pay for cable so I am guessing his show isn't on ABC/CBS/CW etc.)...but I've seen his name thrown around quite a bit on WB and have no idea who this dude is!
Whenever I start worrying that my guests are going to be unimpressed or judgy with something at my wedding, I just remind myself that my actual wedding will not be taking place in wedding blogland, and hardly any of my guests would be of the mind to think anything I'm doing is "tacky" because they don't read the wedding blogs that tell them so. Just nice normal people having a nice normal wedding.
Yea I agree, I hate for people to second guess themselves because something is fake in their wedding. We are all concerned about what people will think of us. But honestly, if that's what you can afford, then it will do for your wedding. I would do for the person's wedding who has an unlimited budget as well. It's all about what you like and being reasonable for what you have. I encourage people not to go into debt for their wedding. Money is the biggest issue in marriages and divorce.
I always thought DIY was trendy though! I never knew people looked down on it. I say do what you do and love what you do :) I'm sure I'm guilty in some posts of thinking things aren't "up to par" though. I guess it's me putting my taste/opinion on THEIR wedding. Which is the first problem anyway ;)
@Miss Tattoo: I agree, the word tacky is thrown around on here way too often.
He's like some wedding Wizard of Oz or something, and if you go to him with your humble or not humble wedding requests, he will make your wedding come truuuuue!
@vaness13181: He's a celebrity wedding planner and has a show called My Fair Wedding where he goes in 3 weeks before a wedding and changes everything. He hates fake flowers and always ALWAYS in the end changes them and the bride ends up with like $20k worth of flowers at the event. He is the stereotype of the wedding industry complex.
THOUGH, I will give him credit for letting that Alice in Wonderland bride have a BLACK dress and show her tattoos. He usually says WHITE WHITE WHITE WHITE and NO TATTOOS EVER!!!!!
I know what site that is! I like it too. :)
Honestly, those things have never bothered me, probably because I have my own STRONG opinions about what is or is not tacky (for my own wedding, that is- everybody has different priorities!). I have no problem providing beer, wine, champagne, and soft drinks, or not having a dance floor, or whatever it is I'm doing that some people are snooty about. But that's not to say I don't feel pressure. I always worry about whether people will have a good time at our wedding, or whether they'll think we aren't in love since we're not very affectionate in front of people, or various other random, silly concerns. I guess we all have our issues.
@Miss Tattoo: Hmm...what's the point of planning a wedding and then having him come in a change it all last minute? Weird! I'll have been planning for 18 months by the time we get married and would be upset if someone changed one thing! But then again, I am a control freak. My FI and sister have planned a surprise for me and it's driving me nuts knowing that something on the wedding day is completely unknown to me (and out of my control). FI assures me I'll love it ;) And 20k on flowers alone? Holy $hi@!!!
But back to the topic at hand, no one should be made to feel inferior in the decisions related to their wedding. We all have different likes/dislikes, priorities (one may spend more on letterpress and others DIY), and budgets.
Well said!!!! Thank you for this post!!!! I've felt this way, but just haven't said it! It sickens me at how people are constantly bashing people's ideas.......it really is sad. I don't have a large budget and yes, I plan on having fake flowers! But, they are beautiful and I am proud of them 
I've read people bashing a girl over having a buffet dinner......I mean how ridiculous is that?? I love BUFFET dinners! And honestly, I think people should be happy to be getting food at a wedding.......
So many, people have forgotten what a wedding really means......it's about the love and unity of two people. When I go to a wedding, I dont' care about the person's venue, and flowers, food, dresses, etc......I love to witness two people that truly do love each other, prepare to committ to one another for the rest of their lives. That is what I look forward to happening to me in May And I think that is what all the brides should really focus on.
@mightywombat: I know. I'm not on it as often because of the way the forums work, but the updates are awesome.
I love how on the other site ANY engagement ring is ooh and awed at and that the term engagement is different than it is here.
I forget what thread it was, but someone had asked about getting their "rings" tattooed on because they both didn't like jeweler and someone had told them that the engagement wouldn't be real or taken seriously WITHOUT a diamond. Are you freaking kidding me? If the same question was asked on the other site, brides would give tattoo artist suggestions and ask to see photos or share their own photos. Engagement is the time between the moment you decide the marry and the wedding. If you are planning a wedding and agreed to a date then you are engaged. It doesn't matter if you have a tattoo, a twisty tie, a piece of wood, a ring pop that you change everyday, or the Hope diamond on your finger.
I have to admit that for a moment I got caught up in all the hype. I told Mr. Tattoo that we HAD to take out a loan because how cool would it be to have a wedding featured in magazines and blogs, ect. Wouldn't it be cool to hire a photographer who charges $10k for their lowest package? Wouldn't it be awesome to have flowers flown in from Holland the day of your wedding? Wouldn't it be awesome to have Cirque De Solei perform at your wedding? I think when I read Sara's 2000dollarwedding.com I completely was smacked out of wedding industry complex land and landed right in grounded logical make sense land. Does it make sense for me to go spend $30k at a hotel that we would never be able to stay at on a regular basis? nope. Does it make sense for me to provide my guests with exotic foods none of us have ever tried? nope. We'd be happy with homemade mac and cheese, greens, and chicken. Everyone would have a good time and that's what it's about. Having a good time while celebrating your marriage and not the $1500 shoes you are wearing. ^_^
@Miss Tattoo: Your definition of tacky really just solidified what I previously stated. "Some" things that people post ARE tacky. Not necessarily because it is DIY, silk, plastic, or traditional - it's just butt ugly. Case and point:
I am fortunate enough to have a greater than average budget; however, I wouldn't label someone's DIY invitations or silk flowers as "tacky" solely based on that fact.
Just gonna say that I wore $20 shoes, did my own hair and makeup, wore a David's Bridal gown and I don't care who thinks what of it because I looked damned good in it. I could care less about brands and others' opinions. But I'm probably in the minority.
I just skipped asking advice about certain aspects of my wedding because I saw other brides post about similar issues and get the word tacky thrown at them. Sometimes I just wanted to post about how brides pulled off certain things at their wedding and no about whether it was considered tacky or not. I just think that people put a lot of thought into their weddings and they are usually a reflection of the person or couple - so I would feel mean saying that someones wedding was tacky even if it wasnt my particular style.
@Soon2BMrsMiles: I too at first thought Gypsy weddings were tacky until I actually read about their culture and have since changed my mind. The dresses they choose are over the top, but they do dream of fairy tale princess weddings for life because of the way they are brought up. The girls are really wholesome and in their culture, girls don't leave the house until they are married.
I think the series is on Youtube.
@MightySapphire: Isn't he? Well, honestly, I think there is a lot of baggage involved with the word 'tacky' and I see it thrown up around here sometimes. Now, honestly, I wouldn't feel too bad if someone calls a wedding detail of mine crappy. I've seen stuff I wanted done being called 'classless' on the board. Yep, I did. It didn't really bother me. I've gotten more good than snark out of this place. And yep, if I had $$$ (after paying off my crushing school loans), I'd throw the biggest baddest party any of my friends and family has ever been to!
What is this website you guys are refering to. If you can't post here could you PM me?
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