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Guest list cuts are hard (effective cost-cutting strategy, but hard). One strategy that has worked for my friends is to make a big effort to make those people that aren't invited still feel important and included in your life. Its really easy to feel so awkward about not inviting certain people, that you end up avoiding those people, which makes them feel even more excluded. In my experience, the best way to cause the least damage is to explain your situation / wedding size, and then propose getting together one on one (or on a double date) in a causal way, or ask them about their life and start to email more frequently, or whatever to make the person still feel important. Most people don't *really* care about the wedding invite when it comes down to it, they care about not being "picked" as an important part of your life.
Best of luck!
I think it is a bit easier given that you are truly having a small wedding than if you were cutting people for a larger wedding. I wouldn't be offended if a friend said they were having a small wedding, with just family and a few very close friends. (unless of course I thought I was one of the few very close friends). I invited several people to my wedding who didn't invite me to theirs because they had smaller weddings - no big deal, I invited them because I wanted to, not because of any expectations! Most people will understand, can't do much about the few that are offended beyond being really honest and making it clear they are still a good friend!
Its so funny that you just posted this, because I got an email last night from an old college friend, whom I haven't seen since college. She asked when the wedding was so that she could book her flight. That's really strange, right?! I just wrote back and said "Thanks so much for your sweet note, but we're having a super small wedding with just friends & family." The truth is, I AM inviting some people who were in our group of friends, she just wasn't even someone that I thought to invite. I honestly think its really rude and presumptuous of people to ask questions like that!
I also ended up making up a story and saying "we're planning on doing something back in the city for the folks we couldn't invite to the wedding." Now I wish I hadn't said that because what if she still wants to book a flight for that!?
Oh also, we're definitely not inviting people just because we were invited to their wedding. It depends on how close you are with those people and how comfortable you are with having them at your wedding. We're trying to keep it small & intimate, and if you I don't think you should feel like there are people you "have" to invite just because you went to their wedding.
I agree it's not easy at all, and people will be offended.
I have several people on my list whom I feel obligated to invite but we really don't have the budget to. The rule I am trying to follow is, if this person gets so offended that I will never see them again, how will I feel?
2009cndbride, I love that method. I think that's a great rule of thumb. Honestly, I don't think I would ever get offended for not being invited to a wedding, especially after planning one myself. These things aren't easy!
I have a few friends on my guest list who I haven't seen in years, but we were close back in the day so I figured I'd invite them. As soon as I said I was getting married they invited their boyfriends saying "you HAVE to meet him". Do I really? Well I don't think they'll be coming to the wedding either way because my venue honestly can't hold more people (a very small restaurant). I MIGHT have a small reception back home with all those friends and show off my new hubby to the girls and meet the boyfriends after the wedding, but that's entirely dependent on if I have any money left after I get married and buy a condo in the next year...
Don't feel bad about not inviting some people. If you have to tell a white lie, do it. Tell them the guest limit is 65 and you simply can't invite more. Get someone who has a camcorder to record absolutely everything, burn a DVD (or several) and send it out to those people who wanted to come but didn't make the list.
We're having a smallish wedding (100 people) and there are people who we did not include whose weddings we attended. Honestly, there are probably people who wanted to get invited, who didn't, but no one has really said anything to me. I think especially with the economy the way it is, your friends and family will understand if you have to keep the numbers down.
Unfortunately, people will get hurt and offended. I really don't think there's any way around it. The best way to soften the blow is to just be honest--tell them your guest list tops out at 65 and 40 of those are family (or whatever it happens to be). That will give them some perspective--it's not that they're being excluded when everyone else in the world is invited; it reality very few people are being invited.
2009cndbride, that is an excellent rule! I'm not even having a small wedding, but we still had to make cuts and difficult decisions. I used the rule "if I saw them after the wedding, would I be embarrassed that I hadn't included them?" That worked for a lot of people, but there were some people that were still iffy. It is much more clear cut to think "if I never saw them again...."
Thanks for all your thoughts! Glad to know, that although it sucks, other people are going through this too...I just thought I was that crazy person who couldn't figure out how to make not inviting someone not be ackward.
You will always offend or dissapoint someone. I don't think its possible to please everyone, especially when you're planning a wedding. My FI and I also wanted a really small wedding. I'm close to my aunts and cousins so I invited them, and we didnt invite the family that my FI isn't close to. I have a grand total of 4 friends on my side of the list, and the rest is family. We originally weren't going to invite any of my FI's aunts and uncles (just parents and siblings and their families) because he hasn't seen them in probably 10 years. After speaking to my future in-laws, they thought their siblings would be EXTREMELY upset if they found out they werent invited to the wedding. We made that exception, but their children weren't invited. They're all grown ups now anyway.
I don't think you should let it stress you out as much as it is. Just be honest with people, you shouldnt have to make up a lie, just say "its a very important and personal moment to us and we're only inviting the ones we're closest to." That's exactly how my FI and I feel about it. Once you say that, the people you speak to once and year will realize that that doesnt include them. Depending on who asks, if you would actually feel like following through say something along the lines of "I'm sorry we haven't stayed in touch but maybe we could get together and celebrate over drinks/dinner sometime".
we tried to have an intimate wedding.
We now have 125 people invited.
I've had a few "ask" or "tell" me what they'll be wearing.
I've kinda laughed and said that we are trying to keep it to just friends and close family and I'm sorry we can't invite them.
One of these people then offered to pay their own way, or come after dinner.
I replied that as much as I wouldn't mind, it would really upset the rest of my family and it wasn't a good idea.
You don't have to be rude, but you have to be firm. Don't let anyone bully you into letting them come. Stick to your guns. Tell them that as much as you'd like to have a large wedding, you have your heart (and budget) set on a small one. If they are REALLY adament about it (like my friend was) you really just have to nip it in the bud.
Good luck!
@ Lone: I totally feel you. I have said so many things since getting engaged that I instantly regret. I've basically put my foot in my mouth so many times to try and make others happy. Case in point: we were originally planning on having a Vegas destination wedding and thus no bridal party other than two brother and two sisters. I explained this to one of my best friends adding, we mostly were doing the brother/sisters thing because we didn't want to burden our other close friends with an expensive flight and stay for the wedding and attire, etc etc. Well, when we decided to stay local for our wedding (but still keep it small and intimate and same bridal party) my friend blurted out "oh, does this mean I get to be a bridesmaid?!" My heart sank and I stammered out that I would need to talk to FI to see if we was going to have three groomsmen. He's not having 3 and was for sure a little upset that I just put my foot in my mouth to appease her. (She texted me later apologizing for blurting that out) but now I'm having three bridesmaids and FIs still just having two groomsmen (he has literally NINE close guy friends, been friends with then since grade school and could never just pick one or two...thus another reason for a small wedding party) GGAA!!!!! This wedding thing is quickly becoming a huge stress in my life!
I honestly think that the stress part of wedding planning is the fun part. I like organizing and planning things... It feels good because I get things done and there's a list that I can check off. Maybe it's just my personality.
Your situation is so similar to mine, our families are so huge that we arn't inviting any adult cousins, only aunts & uncles & their childen who still live at home. For my FI its not a big deal b/c his cousins are 10+ years older then us and have their own kids, my cousins, on the other hand, I grew up with; but I am not close to them at all anymore, but I had to choose: cousins or friends.
Also, like you we run in a few different circles, some of which we are really close to others, just so so. Therefore we have had to pick and choose who we want, while others are being left out. We havn't sent out the invitations yet so I havn't got any backlash. My parents understand b/c we all know money is tight. This doesn't make it any easier considering there are a few friends from our circle who we arn't inviting but who have even offered to pay for themeselves to come! I was like NOOO Way!! It made me feel bad, but we just can't have them there.
One tactic I have used, which is what I told the people l I mentioned earlier, is that our venue is so small and our guestlist can not go over X amount, and that we have such large familes so we arn't able to invite as many friends as we would like. For some reason if you blame it on the venue they seem to understand more.
Good Luck with Everything!
@karii...I'm loving all the other stuff 
, it's just the emotional not-wanting-to-hurt- anyone part that is keeping me up at night. FI's like...the wedding is over a year away, calm down! But i feel like once you get engaged everyone starts wanting to know who's invited, if they're in the bridal party etc. and of course, before I was engaged I was the same exact way to my friend who was getting married at the time and now I feel horrible!
@ vegasbaby- I know exactly what you mean. Even before you've figured out what you're going to do- everyone else is trying to figure out if they're invited!
@Annie- we sound like the same exact people!!!...we have several groups of friends but are closer to some than others...and our venue, which now that I think about it, really can't hold more than 50-60...I don't even know if they can accommodate up to 65 (which the number has increased since I booked the walk through with them because of guilt over not inviting certain people) so, that is actually a really great idea of blaming it on that!
@ VegasBaby: Ours is actually a lie, LOL, we can fit more people at our venue, we have just been telling people that we cant 
But you would be telling the truth so even better!! You totally have a ligitemate reason on why you can't invite more, you can truly say " I would if I could" and mean it!
@ AnnieAAA: we're saying the same thing too! we can fit more but just handle the costs. We are having a super small wedding of 50 people only. It's tough because I am Filipino and that means you're suppose to invite your family plus the neighbors' family, because they're probably also Filipino... and then you have to invite your grandma's mohjong friends - it gets mad crazy and FAST. But honestly, we told friends that thought they'd be invited that we would love to have them there, however we're only inviting family and really close friends. Children won't even be in attendance because of the costs. Most of the bummed faces (telling them in person is the worst!) cleared out pretty fast and then they understood that times are tough. I think that it's a lot harder than you think, but once you practice it a few times it just gets easier.
I totally understand. It is hard. I agree with Janna, if you are truly having a small wedding, it s a bit easier to explain that to people. I had a friend who had a wedding like that. I think she was concerned her friends would be offended. No we weren't. We understood.
But I think part of the difficulty is that the only things that seems to motivate family or friends (especially long distance) to get together are weddings and funerals. So when an event goes by that some can't make or aren't invited to, I think that can be part of the hurt feelings. (??) I just think sometimes people look forward to a wedding (at least in part) because it's a fun/fancy night out. And they get to see Aunt Ruth, when it's been ages..... To be honest, I've been to relatives' weddings, in which I, of course wished them well, but wasn't terribly close to them. And really felt excited to wear a nice dress and have a fun time. I hope I'm not the only one....
submersible_floralyte.jpg (15.2 KB, 27 downloads) 2 years old 
Yeah this is a hard one that is specific to the people that you cannot invite. People will react differently so there's no "one" way of going about it. I think saying that "due to the recession (I'm sorry but everyone understands this) you and your FI could only invite family and a much shorter list of close friends. I'm guessing that some will feel slighted if you say "only family and close friends". And you have a venue that has a 65 person capacity - by LAW you cannot invite any more people. Fire hazard. Completely true.
As for family, my mother's side of the family is huge (Greek) so I had her and a few other family members help me make them understand that it wasn't a big fat Greek wedding and why.
People inviting or assuming that they are invited - friends or co-workers - I am sorry but that is an ego thing. Not about your wedding because it's just plain rude to invite yourself. So don't feel bad about saying that it is an intimate affair. Only have a small get together with other friends if you really want to.
I know this goes against standard etiquette and maybe it's because I live in LA where things are a little more relaxed but we decided to invite friends who would not be invited to the wedding to our engagement party. This took major pressure off the friends we know cannot afford to travel across the country for our wedding. I am also including some of my west coast female friends in my shower - and even the bachelorette party in Palm Springs. One of my dearest friends is a colorist and she works every weekend - it's going to be tough for her to make the wedding but she is super excited to be at the shower and bacherolette party.
I'd divide and conquer with your fiance. This is the not so fun part of planning but don't feel bad. People will get over it. And no, you do not have to invite people just because you were invited to theirs.
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For those who are having an intimate wedding, how do you really handle those people who assume they are invited to your wedding?
In my case, FI is adament about sticking to a 65 person wedding. This means our immediate family and close friends. We both have small extended families luckily, so we're inviting my aunts and uncles and his aunts uncles and four counsins. We weren't going to invite my 8 counsins and their children because we figured, they are older with young kids and we've never been that close of a family, unlike FI and his counsins.
We won't be able to invite all the people who have invited us to their wedding either. I was honestly surprised and taken aback by some of the weddings we've been invited to. Some we've been able to attend, some not.
I am having extreme anxiety about the reactions of these people when they find out we're not inviting them. I didn't think not inviting my cousins would be a big deal until one of them wrote to tell me to let her know when we have a date set "because she wouldn't miss it for the world".
I've seen everywhere, "Want to save money on your wedding? Invite less people!" as if slashing people from the invitation list is an easy thing to do! Obviously, if you're thinking of inviting specific people to your wedding they are in some way important to you. And everyone tells me, "oh don't worry, just explain you're having a small wedding and they will understand" Really? Really?? Is it honestly that easy? I hate all confrontations and upsetting people in any way and imagining how some aquaintenses will take the news has kept me up some nights. The biggest problem with us isn't slashing the random work friend or weird neighbor from the list, or those "friends" we haven't talked to in years, but slashing friends that are part of a "group" but that we aren't specifically that close to etc.
Also, is it considered poor form not to invite people to your wedding when you were invited to theirs?