Post # 1
Basically my in laws purchased mine and DH’s wedding gift when we got engaged back in 2012. It was a Sleep Number king sized mattress, but they didn’t give it to us until after the wedding over a year and a half later (we got home and they had set it up in our bedroom). For about 6 months we played around with the settings trying to find the right “number”, but nothing helped. DH and I were always waking up in the middle of the night dealing with horrible pressure points, and now, a year later, we both have horrible back problems from sleeping on a mattress that just isn’t right for us. We have tried so hard to make this work because by the time we were given the gift it was no longer returnable, but it has gotten to the point where our lack of sleep is starting to affect our health from the aches and fatigue. Anyway, we decided we’re going to purchase a new mattress. We had purchased a king sized frame, so going back to our old mattress (a queen) wouldn’t work.
Now, we’re struggling with how to tell his parents that we’re going to have to get another mattress I know sleep numbers are very expensive, and DH’s parents had asked us if we would want a sleep number. We had said we were interested in them, lied on their mattress for a few minutes, and had planned on going in to test them out, but were waiting until we’d saved up money after the wedding (I am uncertain if they bought the mattress before or after they asked us…). We had never decided if we actually wanted a sleep number or not.
I know it is extremely rude to ultimately reject a gift and replace it, but DH and I just can’t imagine sleeping on this bed for the next 15 years or however long sleep numbers last. I’m wondering how we go about tactfully letting them know about the bed. When they’ve talked to us in the past about it, we would just say that we were struggling to find the right sleep number, and then would thank them, again, for the present. We would have told them sooner, but we really thought that this was a user error problem and we would find a solution (we even purchased a gel foam mattress pad thinking we just need extra cushioning…) However, I really do feel that DH and I are just old fashioned inner spring mattress people… I know DH’s mom is extremely proud of their gift to us and I have a feeling we’re going to come off as being ungrateful for their gift. But I promise, DH and I are very appreciative of the gift, and it makes me sad that this mattress just isn’t working out for us like my in laws had hoped.
Post # 2
While I am generally a fan of honest truth, I think this is a situation where there is no reason to bring it up to them. I wouldn’t lie about it if they ask but I don’t think I would just randomly tell them about it either.
Post # 3
I really don’t see any reason to mention it to them. This is a case where it’s best just to not say anything at all unless they specific ask–I can’t see happening unless they sleep on your bed for some reason.
Post # 4
LynnSnow: Is it possible to use the mattress they bought as a guest bed? That way, technically you’re not getting rid of it… and I agree with PP about not bringing it up unless specifically asked.
Post # 5
LynnSnow: Like PP mentioned, I am not sure why you would need to mention it to them. Would they really continue asking about it? At some point, I am assuming they will stop, right? Unless you foresee them coming to the house and trying it out, but that would be a bit odd too.
If it were me, and I had replaced it, I would just mention that it had stopped working properly. Its not quite a lie, since it never really worked well for both of you. I also may even consider telling them the truth. It’s not their fault the bed didn’t work for you, and you couldn’t have known it wasn’r the right mattress even if you tested it out a bunch prior to purchasing.
Post # 6
I could foresee them asking about it again since you already told them you were struggling to find the right sleep number and they obviously care and want to make sure their gift is working out. If that happens, I would be completely honest with them. I would also keep the bed as a guest bed if that’s an option. Just make sure you express how much you appreciate the thought that went into it, and I don’t think it would seem ungrateful.
Post # 7
Would they want to use the mattress instead? That way it wouldn’t go to waste. If not, I think I’d just get a new mattress and not tell them unless they asked.
Post # 8
Thank you all for the replies. They ask us every now and then about the bed since they know we’ve been dealing with finding the right setting for us – so I certainly see it coming up again in the future. I feel like not telling them would be a lie, but I also completely see the reasoning behind not telling them and just letting it come up naturally in a future conversation. Something like “Oh, well, we never did find the right setting, so we ended up moving that bed to the guest room.” While the guest room really isn’t big enough for a king, the room is designed for a queen, but we have a full in there right now, and I think we could probably make a king fit for guest purposes.
If not, I am sure there is something we could do with it to make it work out.
Thank you all for the replies. Sorry it took me a while to respond.
Post # 9
Ahh I definitely wouldn’t mention it to them… they will never know what you’re using for a mattress… why risk potentially upsetting or hurting either of your families when they’ll never know the difference??
Post # 10
How about letting your husband tell them it isn’t working for him. It is the truth but it lets you off the hook. They may take it better knowing he is having trouble with it. Other than that, I would not say anything in advance.
Post # 11
A random thought- could you use a topper or two that would make the current mattress better?
We use a COSTCO.com foam topper and a CuddlEwe on ours.
I have fibro, and we spent many miserable years until we discovered the topper combo.
The worst part for you, IMO, is that if you start again from scratch, you will sort of “lose” what was a very kind and well intentioned gift.
BUT- there is nothing more important than a good sleep, so by all means take care of yourselves!
Post # 12
I’m with the posters who say not to mention it. Are they going to peek under your sheets to make sure it’s still the mattress they gave you?
I know you’re worried about them asking again. What does your husband think?
I noticed lately that gifting beds to newlywed couples is a thing. I would mostly love to come home to a nice, new mattress, but something about my bed being replaced surreptitiously would bother me. A bed seems like an intimate gift unless the existing bed is literally falling apart, and the couple can’t replace it. Maybe I’m weird.
Post # 13
This is tough. On the one hand I say be honest because it sounds like you two really did give it a chance and it didn’t quite work out for you. On the other hand, if you move it to the guest room they may never find out, but the fact that they’re asking if you like it means they will probably ask again.
Since it’s DH’s parents that gave you the bed, I would probably put it on him to tell them. I like the idea of offering it to them first. If they decline then you can put it in the guest bedroom guilt free, or they may know someone else that wants it.
My sister went through something similar. She received a very expensive KitchenAid mixer from her MIL as a shower gift (even though she did not register for it) and no gift receipt. It sat under her counter for 2 years until one day her MIL asked if she ever used it. My sister was honest and said she hadn’t as she’s not much of a cook anyway, and her MIL asked if she could buy it off of her. In her situation it was a win win.
Post # 14
1. if you health/comfort/life depends on it, I would sit them down and explain the situation.
2. PLEASE NEVER USE A BED FOR 15 YEARS!!!! Very unhealthy for you!!!!
Post # 15
+100 I love your suggestion about using it as a guest bed. No need to tell the in-laws anything. I think they would probably be offended because of how expensive and thoughtful the gift was, even though the reason for replacing the bed is perfectly sensible.