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Oh my gosh, you poor thing! I too would be devastated! Is couples counseling an option? Lying just kills me.
I'm at my parents house for a few days to clear my head. I don't want to say/do anything I'll regret, so I thought it was best to be away for a little while. But honestly I wouldn't even let him touch me when I left, because all I can think about is how he paid to touch someone else. This really sucks :(
It does really suck! When I saw the name of the post I thought it had something to do with a bachelor party but clearly this sounds like something he's done "for fun" at least a few times and he has not been honest with you about it...
So here are my thoughts. Even once we get to be adults, peer pressure is a very real thing. If the people that he is friends with go on a regular basis, they probably put a lot of pressure on him to go too. While he is a grown man who can make his own decisions (like not go and definitely not pay for a lap dance) it can be hard to make the right choice when then people you spend a lot of time with consistently make the wrong ones. I wonder if, when he would refer to his married friend as disgusting, he was really talking about himself.
It doesn't sound to me that the strip club is really the problem (although it is a huge issue), but the company that he keeps. I think that counseling would definitely be good for you guys, and I hope that you can work things out!
I have a huge problem with lying. My issue wouldn't so much be the strip club or the lap dance{why he would waste $50 on it, I have no clue!}, but lying about it AND condemning others for it kills me. I think you need to talk to him about it for sure and see what he did it and see why he lied about it.
I too think I would be more concerned about his breach of honesty than his actually going to a strip club. He probably was too afraid to say anything since you have made it so clear how much you are against these things.
I think you need to establish which is more important: being honest about your actions or not making mistakes. Everyone is bound to make some mistakes, and maybe if he feels more compelled to tell you what he has done, he will think twice about doing it in the first place.
well, the fact that he wants to marry you means he's that serious enough to want you in his life; does the good outweigh the good; I agree he did two things, he lied and he touched another woman;
personally I don't think I could live with that, unless let's say you went together and you did for kicks, but even with that I would NOT want my man's hands on another woman, for me that's already cheating, I would feel very jealous and think why aren't I enough; I don't know if I could live with that, if he did it once who's to say he won't do it again? but you have to do what you are most comfortable with; listen to your heart if it bothered you that much it will still haunt you in the future and you will always wonder, just my two cents, can you really trust him after that, I know I couldn't but that's just me, if someone broke my trust it's not going to come back
but if the good outweighs the bad which it probably does then hope you can get past it
I'm sorry :( My heart really does ache for you because I don't even want to try to imagine myself in the same position. It's just one of those things that would be earth shattering. I understand mistakes happen, yes, maybe he was peer pressued into going to the strip club but he PAID his OWN money to TOUCH another woman. That just breaks ALL boundries. I think I could handle the strip club, I wouldn't like it, but I'd manage, but actually putting his hands on another woman would just tip me over the edge. I really don't know what I'd do. On one hand, it was only one time (or so you were told), but one time is really too many times. You two really need to talk it over and only you can judge whether or not he's being honest with you (which I know is hard). Couseling would be a good idea. I'm so sorry :( Good luck.
I'm so sorry you're going through this :-(. That would be heartbreaking for me, too, and possibly relationship-breaking. I know people make mistakes, but I agree that if this is something that he does on a regular basis, that's going to be a problem in your marriage and something that probably needs to be dealt with BEFORE you marry him. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to break off the engagement, but maybe postpone the wedding while you work through it? If he truly loves you and is committed to you, he'll do what's necessary to work through this.
:( I hate reading these ones!
I think society has created an atmosphere where it is okay for men do these things and us women are just supposed to accept it. I know men and women are supposedly different, but I don't care what other people say. I have made it SUPER clear to my FI that I think going to strip clubs is a BIG no-no for many reasons: If he is marrying me, he should not be paying to see or touch other naked/semi-naked women, I think it's plain stupid, and I think its sad that society has created this atmosphere for these women who work there. I think their very existance is completely disrespectful to all women.
I have told my fiance point blank that if I find out he goes to a strip club for his bachelor party I will not show up for the wedding. And, I do mean it - whole-heartedly. I have no desire to marry a man who engages in this behavior. He gets mad when I have told him this and swears that he never would, but I still have to make it clear whenever the topic comes up. I am sooooo madly in love with him, but if he hurts me this way, I will not stand for it.
I know my opinion sounds a little harsh, and I know everyone won't agree with me; however, I think it's really uncool that he knew you disliked the idea and he did it anyway. AND, lied about it. To me, both of those things are just as bad.
Each relationship has different boundaries, so I would suggest going to counseling about the issue to find out whether or not this will continue to be an issue, or if it's something you can forgive him for with the understanding that it will not happen again.
Best of luck and lots of hugs to you!
Oh, and P.S. - you are NOT an idiot!
You should be able to trust your fiance. Do not blame yourself in any way for this.
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Oh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It can be really hard to think clearly when your wedding is so close. So, when you say he's been lying for months, do you mean he's done this a number of times, or once and hadn't told you for months? How do you know he had been lying for months? He just fessed up while drunk?
Personally, I would be hurt by the lying, and the lap dances, and the touching, and the covering up, (and the waste of $50.) I do think people can make mistakes. However, what you need to figure out is if this is something he is likely to do/want to do/be pressured to do in the future. Has he changed? Is he really mature enough to become a responsible adult/husband? I'm not one to say my guy has to give up his friends. But I do expect him to be an adult, and able to turn down an invitation to engaging in behavior that is unacceptable. "My friends made me do it" only works until you're in 8th grade.
I hope you can sort this out. Good luck.
First of all MANY MANY HIVE HUGS TO YOU..
Ok. This was 6 mos. ago. Did it happen as it sounds at the bachelor party of a friend?
Again, the concern mainly to me would be the touching (they're not supposed to touch at a strip club from what I've been told from my guy but that he said it does happen from time to time although he never did that back in college) and the lying about it.
I would find out these two things.
1)has he been unfaithful to you or another past girlfriend?
2)has the lying been a habit or is this a one-time issue here?
The two questions above will imho give the info necessary for you to make a choice.
If he's been unfaithful in the past AND fairly adept at lying (meaning repeated behaviors) I'd hope you both get in front of a counselor asap to discuss what you need to do and if he's good marriage material. I think an isolated, one-time incident needs discussion and especially the touching.
I wouldn't be ok with the touching..He'd have some WORK to do..and I mean work. ONLY one mulligan is allowed with me and touching almost is a deal breaker.
gracez...I completely agree.
nic33....Another thing that bothers me is that, since you are an almost married couple, it isn't $50 of his money....it is both of yours. I would not want my FI sending $50 of OUR money to touch a naked girl. I am so sorry this is happening to you
Wow-
I'm sorry to hear that this happened. You definatly have the right to be angry right now, and I think moving away to get some perspective was a great idea. What he did was wrong, expecially after you said that you didn't want him to go to a strip club. With that being said, we all make mistakes. My boyfriend and I just recently had the same problem. I was devistated and wouldn't let him get near me. I felt unwanted, and I felt like I wasn't good enough, so he had to look elsewhere. He tried everything to take it back, but it wasn't only the act of looking at other women, it was that he was hiding it from me. I couldn't stop wondering what else he was hiding from me. I came close to leaving, but after we had a LONG (hours and hours) talk about everything, I felt better. It has been a long time, and I am starting to trust him again, but the way he has handled everything has shown me that he is truly the person I am supposed to be with. Your fiance made a huge mistake, and I am sure he is just sick about it. Take time away from him and think about how much he means to you. Also see how he is reacting. If he is apologizing and doing everything in his power to correct the problem, listen to what he has to say. Relationships arn't always easy, and the people in them do not always make the best decisions. Let him know how much he hurt you, and let him make it up to you. If you are both willing, this will make you stronger and grow closer together. Another thing to remember is that if you choose to forgive him, you have every right not to trust him for a while, that being said, don't throw it in his face every time you fight.......thats not healthy either. (trust me)
Good Luck and keep us posted on what you decide!
I don't think the lap dance would bother me (i really don't care if my FI goes for a bachelor party or a friend of his, but I'm not OK with them "just for a Friday night") but the lying would make me angry. And by "touching", that just grosses me out. Not a fan of the idea of an SO groping on a girl. Sounds like a "bad" strip club, not a legit one that doesn't allow the touching and is just all show. So if the dancers let themselves be touched, I'd be wary in general of this particular location. Sound shady.
Does he generally hide thigns from you? Do you think he told you out of guilt or just to make you angry? Like, "i can do whatever i want even if you tell me no".
You've got lots of good advice, but you need to talk to your FI. I dont' think hiding out is going to solve anything except prove to him how angry you are. You can't run away every time he does something to upset you. It happens. Is he apologizing or is he defending himself? Is this enough to cause you to not marry him? Because even when you are married, stuff like this can happen so it's best ot have the discussion now.
Do you not trust him b/c he lied to you and you think there's more going on? Or do you think this was a one time thing? Him calling his buddy a dirt bag may be his way of hiding what he does himelf. Hopefully this was a one time strip club visit and he isn't a frequenter. I wish i had more advice, but I hope you guys work this out and you can look beyond this. I hope he's bending over backwqrds to prove how sorry he is!
this was not a bachelor party, this was just a thursday night out. i feel i have a lot to worry about because he'll be in the military and deployed for months at a time after we're married. i don't want to think i can't trust him when we're apart and i don't want to spend months obsessing over whether or not he's doing the right thing. he's given me a good reason not to trust him.
I'm not sure this is a good reason not to trust him forever. You need to talk to him. Go back home and talk it out. Then make your decision.
Have you been to a counselor with him, specifically about deployment?
I absolutely hate having to say this, but one of the big problems for families and the military is infidelity. For both spouses. Being separated is stressful and you absolutely want to be able to trust your husband -- else you would go insane wondering/worrying.
Be honest with yourself about your feelings. If it doesn't feel right, don't let whatever wedding planning you've done convince you otherwise. Likewise, if you feel this is something you can get past and learn to trust him, because you need to be able to trust him, then do so.
First, *HUGS*. I understand your feelings. Probably betrayal mixed in with some good, old-fashioned anger. However, I'd be more concerned about the lying than the lap dance itself. (Which I think of as no big deal, personally?)
I think that it must stem from other stressors or unspoken feelings. Are you concerned about his fidelity? Is lying an ongoing problem in the relationship? Does he dismiss your feelings on a regular basis? Is he mean and just trying to get a reaction out of you?
Confront him and think about counseling to work through this. If it turns out that you both have different relationship boundaries, different morals, then there's something more serious going on.
Take care and hope that things work themselves out. You have a right to be upset and your feelings are completely understandable.
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we spent the weekend together and worked it out. i explained how i felt and he completely understood and he must have apologized about 1000 times (as he rightly should!). we've been together for 2 years, and it's been nothing but wonderful, so i'm not going to let one stripper and one lie wreck the whole deal. he said he'd do whatever he had to in order to get my trust back, even if it meant no more drinking or hanging out with these people for a while. i promised to try to let it go and not bring it up after this, and he promised it would never happen again. so, we're moving forward and we're really happy!
Glad you were able to talk it out. Remember though, that if these people were his friends, that he may want to spend time with them again soon. Maybe just remember to make clear what you are and are not comfortable with him doing, just in case.
I'm so glad you talked about this and worked it out. Just one word of caution: don't let "not bringin it up again" put a strain on your relationship, when you feel like there are things you need to say that hurt you or bother you and you need to talk to him about it. Who knows how this event will affect your relationship down the road? The important thing is to learn from it and move past it, and sometimes that means you might have to revisit it in the future.
Also, I echo what others have said about counseling. The military (I don't know what branch he's in, but it shouldn't matter) has some great options for couples, especially for deployment and re-entry counseling. I have friends who have found wonderful support in military wives groups as well. Everything you're feeling is very normal, so don't ignore it. I'm so happy you have learned to let this make you stronger! My very very best of luck, and a few hugs too.
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First of all, I have been very clear with my fiance about how i feel about strip clubs-NOT OK. I'm not comfortable with him paying to look at naked girls, at all. He knew this, didn't have a problem with it, and I thought everything was fine. A month or so ago I was caught up with final exams and didn't get to go out much, but I encouraged him to go out with his friends and have a good time...even gave him rides to make sure he was safe. Only thing I asked was that he not go to strip clubs. I knew his friends went on a pretty regular basis, but I trusted him to pass (i guess i'm an idiot). The other night he drunkenly admitted to going to strip club and paying $50 for lap dances. He admitted that he touched her while she danced on him and I'm a wreck. I 've heard pretty gross things about this place and what the strippers allow to go on. He's been lying about this for months and even calling his married friend a dirt bag for going. Our wedding is in two months and I'm terrified that I can't trust him. He says he's sorry but I don't think I'll be able to let it go anytime soon. HELP!