Post # 1
It’s been 2 weeks today since my MC, and it’s been such a struggle. There’s days where I’m okay, and days where I literally collapse on the floor crying for what could have been. I’ve been staying away from family, and trying to stay off Fb bc of all the pregnancy stuff. Xmas killed me for the fact that sooo many people were announcing their pregnancy, and the one girl posted her Debut bump photo and I lost it, bc that wasn’t me… And won’t be me for a long while.
So, ladies who have gone through the heartbreak of a MC, a few questions…
- How long did you have to wait to have sex(right after the MC)? My soc told me 6 WEEKS!!! Oh my word I am missing that connection with my husband… That emotional, deep connection… Why 6 week????
- How long did it take for your body to get back to normal? did your cycle go back to normal? Doc told me I can’t start trying to get preggers for a full 3 cycles..
- Do you talk about it? Like do you tell people you had a MC? I wanna be able to talk about it bc I feel like women don’t speak about it enough, which makes it seem soooo uncommon… BUT will people think I’m looking for a pitty party? Bc I’m not…
- Where you uncertain about even wanting to start a family ever bc of worry about another MC?
Life is going on, and even though I have very very dark days, I know I will be okay. It is OKAY to be sad and to grieve, and that I don’t have to be all perky and happy 24/7.. This has brought my hubs and I sooo much closer together… unfortunately it had to be this to do that.
Post # 3
I just want to give you the biggest hug!! I went through exactly what your feeling & hermited a lot after my miscarriage in april. I lost my pregnancy really early (5+5 weeks) but still took it really hard. To answer your questions in order:
I waited until bleeding & spotting had stopped completely before we we had any penetration, because of the risk of infection. That was about 13 days after I initially started spotting.
My cycle went back to normal fairly quickly. I ovulated 8-9 days later than usual and got pregnant again immediately (36 weeks on wednesday). Since my loss was so early, there was no harm in getting pregnant so early immediately after.
I didn’t talk about it at all at first. The few people I told had nothing constructive to say. One woman, who had struggled with infertility tried to console me by saying “At least you can GET pregnant.” It cut me pretty deep. What’s the point of getting pregnant if you lose it?! After 12 weeks with this pregnancy, I was more comfortable talking about it with others. I still don’t think a lot of people get it so I don’t share unless someone brings it up.
I had a moment of doubt but we decided to push through & keep TTC. It turned out to be the right choice for us, cause our baby girl is due in less than a month! Most of the time, miscarriage has NOTHING to do with you, & you’ll likely have your healthy pregnancy soon! It’s just something awful that happens, & its made worse by the fact that people don’t talk about it. I’m sending you all the strength & wishing you & your hubby that rainbow baby you both deserve. <3
Post # 4
@graygodess20: Let yourself grieve however long you need to and realize that the grief will come and go in waves. So if a month from now you have a breakdown, that’s perfectly ok and normal. It’s been over 2 years since my first miscarriage and nearly a year since my last (6th) miscarriage and I will be fine for a while and then have a crying jag. It’s totally ok and totally normal. It gets easier, but never easy.
All of my miscarriages have been natural very early losses. We waited until I stopped bleeding fully each time, but other than that, there was no reason to wait.
As for when my cycles returned, it varied from miscarriage to miscarriage. My first miscarriage ended up being a partial one that took 3 months to resolve and get to O again. The other 5 were more like delayed periods where I was late a week or so.
I talk about it. I talk about it every chance I get because like you, I feel it’s hidden way too much and that leads to a stigma that somehow we are at fault for this. I have posted this elsewhere, but dunno if you have seen it or not, so I’ll repost it in case you haven’t. I created this album as part of the October “Capture Your Grief” project. All pictures are pictures I’ve taken through the years, and all quotes are things I’ve written in my journal. I did a combination of miscarriage and infertility stuff. http://www.flickr.com/photos/35063852@N06/sets/72157636515066676/
Be aware that you will likely get well meant, but hurtful comments if you do. I figure that’s another reason for me to be out and open. If I can get even a few people to really think about what they say before they say it, then I’ve made a difference. 🙂
I’m so sorry for your loss hun. I can’t tell you when it will be right for you to try again – only you and your DH will know. For me, we jumped right back up on the horse and started trying again. The only times we have held off is when we were waiting for testing (to see why I was miscarrying so much) and for surgery (to get rid of the assassin septum in my uterus). TTC after a loss is a tough place to be (at least for me). I am both very excited and very fearful of another loss with every positive HPT. I will say that after 6 early losses, 2 surgeries, countless tests, major lifestyle changes, etc, I’m pregnant again and am 9 weeks today with a very sticky little bean! 🙂 Praying that you get your miracle a lot sooner than I did. <3
Post # 5
@MrsRugbee: I was just shy of 9 weeks, so is that why she’s having me wait 6 whole weeks bc of possible infection? Congrats on your lil girl!!
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
I am so sorry beautiful. It hurts so bad. And typically people just won’t understand unless they’ve been through it. I’ve had 5 this year. the longest we made it was 13 weeks. I had to have a d&e October 15 because my body wouldn’t let it go.
My next cycle was 52 days after the bleeding stopped from the procedure. With the others, I went right back to normal.
The reason they recommend you to wait to start trying again is so that your body has time to heal. We were given the go ahead to have sex 3 weeks after the d&e. We didn’t use any protection and had a 4 week loss in November because my uterine lining was too thin for the egg to implant. Trust me, it’ll save you heart break to wait at least 1 cycle to try again.
I agree with the PP. You’ve gotten great advice 🙂
Post # 7
@graygodess20: I’m just a couple of weeks ahead of you so can’t answer all your questions.
I agree with pp regarding grieving. I know I still am and have 1 bad day for every 2 good which is an improvement.
– re bd, we haven’t yet. As I has a D&C I wasn’t prepared to risk it. We are happy enough to now, a month later. But to be honest I’m very nervous. Bd became aboutTTC and the whole thing is nerve wracking.
– I was advised differently by different people re TTC again. One doc said wait 2 cycles, another said 1 is enough and my acupuncturist said 12 weeks. I think I’m happy to wait one. Im nervous about TTC but I also think you need to move on.
– I have told people for the same reason you feel like you should. Some are supportive, some less so and some say the wrong thing. For me it is worth it for the support I’ve gotten from my very close friends and some others have surprised me.
– 4.5 weeks out and no sign of AF so it’ll be my longest cycle in years. I think it just takes a bit of time to get back to normality. Looking forward to it now!!
Hope that helps!
@dodgercpkl: I’m so glad you’re doing well. Im keeping an eye out for your updates!
Post # 8
@graygodess20: I’m really sorry for your loss and I hope each new day brings you a little bit more relief then the last. Take as much time as you need to grieve and heal.
While I haven’t experienced a loss myself, my sister did about this time last year. So, I thought I could offer a little perspective that might help (sorry in advance if it’s not helpful). But, as for the “logistics” she MC around 8 weeks naturally, took 1 cycle off from trying and got pregnant the next cycle trying. She had a completely normal pregnancy and healthy baby boy who is now 3 months old. I know some doctors say try right away, others say 1-3 months. If you want to know the “why” 3 months, I’d ask your doctor about that and what the risks/benefits are to trying earlier if that’s what you would like to do.
My sister didn’t tell me about her MC until she told me she was pregnant again. I totally respect her decision not to tell me but I do wish she had so I could have been there for her. She doesn’t talk about it at all to me (and we are very close, so I assume she doesn’t talk about it to anyone). Again, I wish she would have talked more about it (if she wanted to) because I know from the one discussion we had about it she was minimizing it because she felt others (mostly my mom) didn’t think it was a big deal. Now that I’m pregnant and although I haven’t experienced a loss, I can more strongly identify with how she must have felt. I’m not sure why she didn’t talk about it more. If it was because she didn’t want/need to that is fine, but I just hope it wasn’t because she felt like I thought it wasn’t a big deal. So I guess what I am trying to say is if you want/need to talk about it you should. I know I would be very receptive to listening and helping a friend/family member through that time and wouldn’t see it as a pity party. (But, I’d be okay with giving you a pity party because you just went through something that no one should have to go through).
One thing I’d note is that if you do decide to talk to others about it, try not to be hurt by some of the comments you get. People are just trying to be helpful, even though they don’t realize what they are saying is not helpful.
I wish you all the best. You’ll know in your heart when you’re ready to try again. I think being hesitant is totally normal. My sister was pretty anxious through her pregnancy after MC. Most women worry about things going wrong, but she definitely was more worried. Make sure you have a strong support group to help you through not only this period as you heal from your loss but as you move forward and if you decide to start trying again.
Post # 9
@graygodess20: As long as you’re bleeding there is a risk of uterine infection because you still have an open wound where the placenta was implanted. (Definitely on the list of things you don’t need right now!)
I have heard with later miscarriages, women are often told to wait 1-2 cycles before TTC to give their body a chance to recover. I don’t know how much merit there is to it but that’s probably why your doctor wants you to wait. I think condoms should do the job though. I dunno!
Post # 10
@graygodess20: did you have a natural complete miscarriage or a missed miscarriage with a D&C?
If you had a D&C i can understand the waiting as there is a higher risk of infection.
However if you had a natural miscarriage there is no need to wait at all as soon as the bleeding stops. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks, i bled for 4 days just like a normal period but heavier with clots and cramps and then my cycle went back to normal. I ovulated on day 14 and got pregnant immediately. We did not try to get pregnant that time we even used a condom but as we all know they are not 100% effective, i was worried it would lead to another m/c but my doctor said it was fine. Im currently 9 weeks pregnant so far and this baby has a heartbeat so far so good.
I hope you are okay i know how hard it can be to see pregnant people and babies after a m/c but hang in there, it gets easier i have had 2 myself and they never leave you but they do get easier to deal with and when you feel comfortable you can be intimate with DH x
Post # 11
@dodgercpkl: my heart breaks for you, for having to go through 6 losses, but yet excited bc your now 9 weeks!!! Thank you for sharing the link And for the advice/understanding. It’s nice knowing that there really are pthers who know how I feel!!
@leahlou: oh word, 13weeks… I could only imagine the strong bond that you had:-/.. keeping my FX for a sticky baby soon for us!!
@phoebephoebo: 4 1/2 weeks!!! Is it so long bc of the D&C? Or just bc that’s how long it’s taking you body?
@MrsWBS: I appreciate hearing an “outsiders” perspective on this! And it’s great knowing that yes, people will be supportive, and understanding!! I can maybe see why your sister doesn’t talk about it much… As for me, I barley talk to hubs about it, for the simple reason of not wanting to worry and stress him more then he already is…(he has a VERy high stress job)… But her knowing that she can come to you, trust me, means a a lot!
@MrsRugbee: I stopped bleeding 2 days after the actual MC, so maybe I’ll call my doctor to see if I need to wait another 4 weekS. As much as I want that connection back with my husband, I don’t wNna risk my health bc of infection
ETA: I wanna thank you all for sharing your stories and for giving me hope and comfort!! It really does mean a lot!
Post # 12
@bouncybee: I had a complete natural MC. I might call the doctor to see if the 6 weeks to have sex, and 3 cycles are really necessary. Or I may call and get a second opinion… My current doc Im not happy with. ..
ETA: congrats on the sticky baby!!! I can’t wait for that to be me One day!
Post # 13
@graygodess20: I was told it could take 6-8 weeks. I have heard cycles can be off after mc. I have been using opks to track my hormones and it was positive for a long time suggesting preg hormones still in mysystem. I didnt do temping as I hadn’t been sleeping right but that may give you answers.
With a completely natural mc I’ve heard of lots who’ve gotten their BFP before the beginning of their nxtcycle. Personally I’d wait one cycle to be sure but no more. But you may be slightly higher risk of mc. Personally I’m going to risk that as it took 8 cycles first time and I’m sick of waiting!!
Post # 14
@phoebephoebo: I just went today for more bloos work to make sure my hormones were going Down. And I hear ya on not wanting to wait any longer, that BFP took us 6 cycles. OPKs have never worked for me! I was dipping th 2x a day and never got a positive and still ended up with a BFP.. And my sleep sucks ao temping is prob out but I can always try.
Post # 15
@graygodess20: it will be one day! Take things one day at a time for now and when you are both ready to try again you will. Maybe do something to honour this pregnancy, plant a tree in your garden or something and watch it grow, when your children grow up you can tell them about their siblings tree or whatever you decide to do x
Post # 16
im so sorry for your loss. I miscarried naturally in June at 7w4d. My midwife advised me to wait until I stopped bleeding to have sex(obviosly) and that only took a week. It was very similar to a period. There wasn’t a placenta quite yet so the risk of infection is just slightly greater than having sex on your period. We did start having sex two weeks after the MC. As for trying again, life circumstances have prevented us from going full steam ahead. But my midwife said we didn’t need to wait a while cycle. Also my period returned exactly on time at 33days post mc.
whenever I get the dreaded “so when are you having kids” question, I tell people what happened. I’m fairly comfortable talking about it and I am like you and want to make the topic less taboo.
I definitely want a family and will keep trying. But I won’t lie to you, I still have fears that I’ll never be able to carry a baby to term.