- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
Lately, life is good and then it’s bad and as soon as I think it’s good again, blammo, it all gets complicated and confusing. I just don’t know what I’m doing with myself most days.
Back story: I graduated in 2007 with ZERO clue what I wanted to do with my life. I know some of what I like, a lot of what I don’t and not a lot of what to do with that information.
I got a job in 09 at a retail store that sells horsey things. I loved it and was bored out of my mind at the same time. On one hand, I am pretty darn good at customer service (if I do say so myself!) and I really do excel in that department. I’m personable, friendly and pretty intuitive and I know what the customer wants/how to keep them happy. On the other hand, I feel like I have more to offer than to be a clerk. Not saying it’s not a valid job but I (and all the trustworthy people in my life) know that I have more than that to offer. I’m fairly intelligent, organized and more than capable of doing something more. I was bored at my job.. I need something that exercises my brain and that makes me feel like I am doing something productive. Selling stuff in a store wasn’t cutting it.
After more than three years there, I quit late 2012 to pursue an accounting diploma. 6 months into that, after staring through the window at the bright sunny days while plunking numbers into my computer, I realized that it was not what I wanted for myself. I didn’t want to be a slave to the numbers or the computer or trapped inside like I was. I needed out. So I finished my last course and ran like the wind.
I got a job for a janitorial company, which promptly lost the contract I was working within two weeks. I spent a little while wallowing in my misery before finally deciding what the heck, I will do what my mom does. The certificate was one year and I knew I could get employment/thought I kind of knew the general gist of the job.
Boy was I wrong about that too. My mom works with kids with special needs. I finished the certificate and have been employed with the same company as my mom since December. I love the kids and I’m not bad at my job per say but I’m not happy either. It just doesn’t feel.. Right.
Im a pretty big believer in finding something that I don’t hate to do for a living. I get that it’s work and no one should expect to go to work giddy everyday or anything. But I also expect to not be miserable and that’s where I found myself recently. After a year in university (and I am so very thankful it wasn’t any longer or I’d really be kicking myself!) I now realize that this too is not what I’m meant for.
So I hunted and searched and explored, keeping my part time job while I tried to figure out what the heck I should do.
Last week, I found another job, as an assistant manager at a bakery. It sounded like an ideal job for me, working hour, job situation/location, it all felt good and right.
I did my first shift Friday and when I went home at the end of the day, I thought “okay, this is something I think I can do” It was more slicing and icing than I expected but hey.. I am not against a good, hard days work. But it turns out that my body IS against standing for 8+ hour days on concrete floor.
All weekend I have been in pain. Like, actual, lay on my bed and cry pain. I have some unusual, undiagnosed hip/leg problems that I experienced at my last stand all day job but had subsided for the most part when we got some nice mats to stand on and take the pain out of the concrete. I haven’t experience such extreme pain since those years there and had kind of forgotten about it.
After this weekend of misery, I don’t know where I stand(or if I can?) and I am feeling über frustrated with myself and with my situation and with my lack of ability to figure out what the heck I am going to do with my life.
Part of my wants to run run run before I end up in miserable pain. There are a couple other aspects to this new job that leave me wondering… But the pain in my legs is literally unbearable. I go back tomorrow for day two and then immediately after to my part time job. I am dreading the day. I’m scared of the pain. I’m scared I am useless and not capable of pulling this off and I don’t know where that leaves me.
I just want to find something that I’m good at, that doesn’t make me hurt and that I feel like I am actually doing something and making the most of myself. But I don’t have a clue what that “thing” is. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what I’m made for and it’s frustrating.
I guess this is mostly a vent because I am confused and hurting for an answer but if anyone has any input, I am more than willing to take it. I want to be okay, healthy, relatively happy and not in chronic pain. And doing something that I feel is living up to my potential wouldn’t hurt.
My life, other than work, is good. I’m getting married to the man of my dreams in a little more than a year and we have grand plans for the future.. A house, kids, happily ever after, you know the drill. But I need to find that missing piece that is hiding out there somewhere and I just feel lost.
I don’t know what I’m made for and I hate that its taking me so long to figure it out 🙁