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There was a post today about how to address invitations to a married couple and include the wife's name. The reponses made me realize that a lot of Bees have strong feelings on how a married woman is addressed.
Some like to be called Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. Other find it sexist and outdated. Maybe some don't mind it, but aren't thrilled about it either.
So, I thought I'd ask. How do you feel (or will you feel when you are married if you aren't yet) about being called Mrs. Hisfirst Histlast? Do you love it? Hate it? Do you accept it as "correct" even if you don't personally like it? Do you think it's outdated and irrelevant? Do you assume a person named Mrs. Jane Smith is a divorcee?
Personally, I love to be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast or as Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. Maybe its a newlywed thing. I've never felt that I was slighted by it in any way....though I can certainly see why some Bees feel that way.
Hate it, and it is one of the few things that I wouldn't just blow off either. I would pick up the phone and ask the person who addressed me that way not to do that again.
I like it and it is my title to be called Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname not his. You are not losing your first name your title is changing. The title of Mrs. your first name his last name is usually reserved for women who are divorced and want to continue using their married name. Of course if you don't like it you can simply keep your own name.
I Love It! I can't wait until the first time I'm annouced as Mr. and Mrs. His Name - it's one of the things I'm looking most forward to at the wedding!
It doesn't bother me, mainly because I know that it's just how it used to be done. I would know that the person who addressed it didn't mean any harm by it, it's just kind of the customary way to do it. It's definitely not how I would prefer to be addressed, but I don't think it's a huge deal.
I hate it. We met with our commisioner on the weekend and she asked how we want to be presented after the wedding. My FI said "How about Mr. & Mrs. hisfirstname hislastname". I told him there is no way in hell we're getting introduced that way and I will continue using my first name after we're married. He thought about it then agreed. If someone called MRs.me hisfirst hislast I would probably correct them.
I can't wait! I feel like eveytime somone calls us that it will just remind me how spiritually bonded we are and how much I love him. I mean why do men get down on one knee, we wear rings, or do any of the other wedding stuff we do? Because it is tradition and traditions are nice to keep.
I can't wait to be called that--I'm so excited to change my name and start using my married name!
I would correct people, depending on who it is. If it's someone's grandmother, I'll let it go. If it's someone in my peer group, I'd probably correct them.
Hardly anyone in my family or social group follows customs like these, though, so it doesn't really come up. Lucky me. :)
It happens to me sometimes... it doesn't bug me when people adress me as Mrs. S but when they call me Mrs. R.S. it really bothers me. Hello, can you at least adress me by my first name?! lol
@punky_brewster: You know, that is interesting that your officiant asked you. I had a city hall wedding and they pretty much have one ceremony - take it or leave it. At the end, the mayor said, "I now have the pleasure to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast." He never asked if we were ok with that or not. I wonder how often the bride ISN"T ok with it...and lets him know it!
I would be one correcting people. Esp. since I will be keeping my own last name.
I've never been a fan, but I can tolerate it. As it is, I'm a doctor AND I'm keeping my last name for professional reasons, so I suspect my grandmother is the only one who MIGHT call me Mrs. FI....my family will be excited that I'm married, but they are also proud of my professional title, so I think the professional title will win. We'll see....
I'd prefer to have my first name mentioned, since I'm already taking HIS last name!
I can remember my mother once being offended by being addressed as Mrs. Herfirst Hislast. Apparently, she took it as a slight that the person who did it was insinuating she was divorced (oooh...the horror...).
I hate it! I am also adamant about whoever will first announce us as a married couple say "mr and mrs hisfirst and myfirst hislast" rather than "mr and mrs hisfirst hislast." I also think it's weird that divorced women keep their ex's last name. I would change it back asap.
@ serasvictoria: I understand what you are saying. I personally don't put a lot of stock in traditions if I don't connect with the traditions. This just happens to be one tradition I find incredibly insulting.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it. I'll deal with it for formal invitations and related correspondence because in those cases people are likely just trying to follow the rules, but in person? I'd definitely say something.
I am in the "It's a Newlywed thing" camp :-).
Before I was married, I found it rather offensive, and I would never address anyone else that way (unless of course they ask me to, which in my circle, no one ever did, most people find it offensive too). Then right after I was married, I was so overwhelmed by the joy and happiness of it all, I was so happy every time I received anything addressed to us as Mr. and Mrs. Now, 3 months after the wedding, I don't care for it anymore. I don't mind it as much as I once did. But I would never choose to be addressed as Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast.
I find it thoroughly unacceptable. To the point where I would probably tear anything in half in anger if it were addressed that way. I mean, only once, so I could still read it if it was important, but my blood boils and my palms sweat in anger just thinking about it. I know we might have some older relatives who think it's cute to call me that... I have to keep reminding myself it is not ok to be violent with old people.
I might be exagerrating a little, but I have to say that one of my favorite things about my decision to keep my last name is that this will never be the correct form of address for me.
I hate it. I try not to get too heated though because that just convinces the other person even more that I'm a "crazy feminist" which is only more infuriating because since when is wanting to be called by my own name crazy and whats wrong with feminism. haha. I to plan on lightly correcting though.
@Bamboo: Ah being called a crazy feminist. People say it like it is a bad thing. lol.
I love it and I'm not even legally changing my name to his - haha!
Just a question....do any of you get offended when people call you HisFirstName's Wife instead of using your first name? If not, then why does the formal version of that very same thing offend you?
@serasvictoria: If someone doesn't know me but knows my future husband and introduces me as HisFirst's wife, then that's fine ONCE. I would smile and say, "My name is MyFirst." I would find it very rude and offensive to just be referred to as HisFirst's wife all the time or if the person already knows my name.
I strongly dislike it. I guess my reasonings lean toward it being sexist, but more I feel it's because that taking Mrs. His-full-name seems like it is wiping away who she was beforehand, and I guess because I always see it as "Mrs. Groom wore a gown, blah blah blah, blah blah, blah!" and it just seems a bit odd to announce a marriage in the paper if you are going to have a big ol' picture of the new Mrs. Groom, but not who she was beforehand, and especially when the description of the gown seems more important than the woman who is having her marriage announced.
I will probably change my name after marriage, I have no problem with that, but my announcement will totally be "She entered the venue Miss surkim, and exited Mrs. BF"
In a rant, I once told BF that I wasn't going to be Mrs. BF, he was going to be my Uncle Fester and become Mr. surkim.
I hate it! My cousin's wife RSVP'd as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. Since I can't remember her name, for all intents and purposes it's like she's not important enough to warrant me knowing or acknowledging her name. To me, it's a total sublimation and loss of her identity as an individual to that of being identified solely by who she happened to marry. That's not to say there's anything wrong with enjoying that, it's just SO not my thing.
But then again, I'm also the type that plans to keep her name after the wedding. ;)
@serasvictoria: It depends on the circumstance. If it's purely descriptive (This is R. She is M's fiancee.) then it's fine. But if it's being used in place of my name (let's invite M and his fiancee to dinner) then it is offensive, because I'm being seen as an attachment to him rather than my own person. If that's what being married meant, then I would stay single.
Note that if it's someone who knows him but really doesn't know me well, I'm kind of ok with it because I assume that they probably forgot my name. It's when someone who clearly should know my name thinks that it's cute and appropriate to think I've been subsumed into a role as his partner that I have a problem.
(and don't take this as an attack on anyone who is OK with being called Mrs. Husband's Name. I'm just trying to answer your question and explain why I'm not.)
I HATE it. I will deff be correcting people if they call me that! It took me a LONG time to decide i would even take is last name
HATE it, I have my own name thankyouverymuch!
I also hate "the wife"...I'm not an object, I'm a person!
In my point of view I don't see anything wrong... But thats just how I feel because my husband considers me hisfirst and hislast and that goes vise versa... But again I say thats just me.... Mrs.Luster
@serasvictoria: You mean if someone said, "this X's wife, Y?" Or if they only called me X's wife?
The first doesn't bug me at all because it is a description of our relationship to eachother, and isn't sexist or demeaning. Someone could also say "this is Y's husband, X." Or, "this is J's friend, Y" or "this is my colleague, P."
If I was introduced simply as my FH's wife, with no name, or if someone introduced us together (who knew my name) as "this is X and his wife" without my name, yeah, that would be pretty annoying. Hasn't happened to me yet, and it never happened to me as his fiance or girlfriend.
@serasvictoria: If people are introducing me as "John's wife", I would expect them to include my first name (ie "this is John's wife Jane")... unless it's the first time they're meeting me, then I will fill in the blank for them.
I don't mind being addressed as Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast if we're being addressed *together* (i.e., Dr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast) on an invitation, but if someone was calling me, by myself, Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast, I'd be annoyed.
Just out of curiosity, what happens if the woman is the doctor in a marriage? Would calling someone "Dr. Jane Smith" mean she's a divorced female doctor still carrying her ex-husband's last name??
I am not changing my name so I will never use it. But i don't like it at all-it seems to imply that the woman's most important role is "wife."
I LIKE being addressed as Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. But I can't say that anyone has ever actually called me that...it seems to be an in writing thing only.
But even I am just rubbed the wrong way by some headstones I see on my way to work (I often get stopped at a traffic light near a cemetery and these 19th century headstones face the street) that say something like J.A. Jones and Wife. Seriously? And wife? To me it is one thing to use Mrs. J.A. Jones as her titile, but totally different to use Wife as her name.
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