(Closed) … liking FI more than me

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m not sure I understand– Who is “everyone”?

Post # 4
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m a bit confused. Do you feel that your FI is selfish in putting himself before you/”us”? Or is this something external where family/friends/others treat him in a way differently from you? 

If it is coming from FI that sounds like a serious problem and maybe you two should talk about it with the help of a counselor? 

If it is coming from outside sources you then need to decide if your FI is supporting you in the face of unfair treatment. If he does what he can but people still act that way, you really shouldn’t take it out on him. If he encourages this again, maybe talk to someone. 

And of course, maybe consider the possibility that you’re being a bit sensitive? 

Post # 5
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

These are some really bitter feelings you’re having, and I think you need to sit down and calmly talk to him about it before you blow up and say some nasty things you may regret.  Can you provide some more specific examples of how certain people are treating you?  I’m sorry you feel this way. *hugs*

Post # 7
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You need to discuss this, but you need to have examples. Try to leave out words liike “everyone, always, and you never”. It’s hard to hold a conversation with someone who is defensive right out of the gate. So try to start by saying “when x happens, I feel y”…and give an example. Then when he talks LISTEN,

 

Post # 8
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Also wondering- are yo ua lot younger than he is, by chance?

Post # 10
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Well, perhaps you should take a look at what the families and your fiance are saying, what advice and ideas they have and perhaps they may have something to them. Without any basis of examples, it is hard to give you a fair bit of advice. Maybe there is something that they are seeing that you aren’t.

 

Also, and I know you didn’t mean anything by it but it kind of seemed that way, just because he is less educated than you doesn’t automatically mean that you are right.

Post # 11
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Also… maybe consider the WAY in which he says things vs. how you say things. Maybe he has better interpersonal skills than you do and so when he presents an idea he does it in a way that people respond to better than the way you do it. 

Honestly when someone is having a problem with EVERYONE…. you have to consider the common factor (you). If EVERYONE takes his words over yours my gut says that it is probably something about the way he relates to people. 

Post # 12
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve clashed with my BF on an issue similar to yours. I’m usually the butt of my BF’s jokes because despite being educated, I have my airheaded moments. For the most part I don’t mind because I know that he cares for me, but sometimes he goes too far. What’s worse is that he didn’t get it all from himself, his family and friends are also jokers that way.

One time, a joke went too far and I seriously started crying. You know, like a little kid. I didn’t go “wah wah” but the tears kept on rolling and I didn’t know how to stop it. I felt horrible and really worthless. He knew I did and I told him. My BF felt terrible, didn’t know what to do, and it was a good thing because he realized how much he could hurt me.

Since then he’s been much more nicer and attentive to my feelings.

I have talked it out with him before, but it wasn’t until he could see my physical pain matching my emotional pain that he realized how awful he was.

Post # 13
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Do either of you have siblings that you compete with in a similar way?

I’ve noticed that sometimes, dynamics from your existing siblings can work its way into a relationship… I guess in some sense, it feels familiar and comfortable, so you end recreating that dynamic a bit?

Post # 15
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My FI has four sisters, and for a long time it seemed to me like his default setting was fighting. He did grow out of it eventually tho!

Post # 16
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

Can you just tell him this? It’s not supposed to be a competition. Relationships involve a lot of compromise, including being the ‘wrong’ one sometimes even when we don’t feel we are. If I felt like I were in a constant competition with my husband, I don’t think I could stand the relationship. Growing up with a brother was exhausting enough.

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