- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2010
I’m posting under an alternative name to keep this as private as possible. I love my fiance with all my heart, and I’ve never had any doubts about our relationship or our impending marriage.
So what’s the problem? Let me give you a little back-story.
Before I moved to the US 6 years ago for school, I lived on a tiny island in the Caribbean. My ex is from there, and still lives there. We became friends 11 years ago, when we were 13. There was some romantic interest, but we didn’t pursue it, because I knew I’d be going to college in the US. So, I left, and we stayed friends. However, right before my junior year, I went back home for the summer. We met up and our friendship rekindled…but so did the underlying romantic feelings. Knowing that we’d be entering a long-distance relationship, we gave in, and had our first kiss.
Now, here’s the important part. This relationship was doomed from the beginning. However, it had nothing to do with our personalities. We were great for each other that way. The problem was, my family didn’t approve because 1. all they could see was the fact that this guy hadn’t gone to college, and 2. we were different races, and that was a big, BIG no-no. I couldn’t give a flying squirrel about the color of our skin, but on my tiny island, my family worried about reputation, and my relationship was threatening it.
Despite everything (and everyone) fighting us, my ex and I held on to this relationship for more than two years. We saw each other once every six months for a few weeks at a time. Because things were so tentative, we never had sex. We both agreed that even through we were horny as hell, the potential heartbreak would double if we got too physical, and were then torn apart.
Things got worse and worse with my parents, and they finally decided to forcibly keep me away from my ex by canceling my flight home for winter break in 2007, and refusing to let me come back. Since I was a full-time student, I couldn’t buy my own ticket. It was one of the most heartbreaking times of my life, doubting that I would ever see this man again. Finally, I decided to end the relationship, with the hope of preserving what shards of our previous friendship remained.
It was a gut-wrenching breakup, but things got more complicated when, only days later, I met my current fiance. It wasn’t a rebound, please trust me when I say that. I simply saw my fiance across the room and felt an instant connection. Turns out, he felt the same thing. We’ve been together for 2.5 years now, and we’re getting married in July. I adore him, heart and soul, and it really feels like this was meant to be.
What I’ve dealt with throughout this current relationship, however, is the fact that my relationship with my ex back home ended because of our circumstances, not because we fell out of love. Truth be told, he knows me better than anyone, with the exception of my fiance. But, he’s known me longer than my fiance has, so it’s an older friendship.
I am not in a situation where I’m “choosing who to be with”, because I know I cannot go back to my ex. He has no intention of leaving the island, and there’s no way I’m going back. It would destroy things with my family, and we would render ourselves outcasts in the society by being an interracial couple. My life in the US with my fiance is much better than anything I could hope for in the Caribbean. Let me mention, also, that in terms of life goals, my fiance and I are more on the same page. My ex doesn’t believe in marriage, and that would have been a big problem for me.
In spite of it all, I’m still deeply attracted to my ex. The decision to hold off on having sex when we were together is backfiring somewhat, because now I’m stuck with the “what-ifs”. And since he knows me so well, it’s often tempting to call him just to talk. We do this sometimes, but we agreed that we needed to be careful, because my fiance should be my confidante. Allowing myself to turn to this other man for emotional support runs the risk of becoming…well…an emotional affair. We recognized this early, before I fell into the trap. I even spoke to my fiance about it, because he knows that my ex and I have remained close friends. My fiance is less inclined to sit and listen to me vent about things, but I reminded him that I needed to confide in him, because I didn’t want anyone else to take up the role of listening to me. He agreed, and thanked me for reminding him of that.
One thing that I am very sure of is that my feelings for my ex have no impact on my feelings for my fiance. I think it’s because my current life is so far removed to the life I had back home, and there’s virtually no chance of them overlapping. My relationship with my ex is a closed chapter, but them memories, and therefore the feelings, remain vivid. It’s like waking up from a very vivid dream.
In the end, I don’t really know what I’m asking for on this thread. Maybe just a chance to talk this out and get it off my chest? I do want to hear if anyone else has been in a situation like this, and if so, how you dealt with it.
Thanks, and sorry for the long post!