- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2016
Hi all –
This is mildly cathartic, so bear with me. I am just about 5 months out from my wedding, and we have just called it off. I’m 34, he’s 31, and we’ve been together for three years (engaged for 1). I’m the last of my friends to get married, and very much want to have children. None of his friends are married, and he doesn’t want kids for at least another 4 years.
That’s the tip of the iceberg of our problems, however, I started having doubts about this maybe two and a half years ago. Two and a half years, bees! That’s a lot of time wasted with the wrong person and in the wrong scenario.
There are so many posts on here that I read where the person seems to recognize that her partner isn’t nice to her, takes her for granted, or just simply isn’t the right one. Advice is given and these feelings are affirmed, but more often than not, it seems like the relationship continues. For so many reasons – you’ve been with each other (“invested so much time”) for so long, everyone else around you is getting/is married, you’re older and feel like you’re “running out of time”, you’re worried you won’t find anyone else, being single sucks, etc.
I’ve felt all these things, and justified them, in all the above ways a million times over, for the last 2.5 years. Now I’m 34 and we’re calling off the wedding, and that is horrible, but I am COMPLETELY AMAZED by the relief that I feel behind every (rational) thought of spending the rest of my life with this man.
We all have our own dealbreakers – infidelity, dishonesty, communication issues, disrespect, lack of passion, etc. Those things seem to be the more obvious stuff. But I think it gets more difficult when some of those things are sometimes present, and sure, you love this person, but you justify the lack of the “when you know, you know” feeling by reassuring yourself that no relationship is perfect, and you’re just being practical about what you have together.
Please. LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU. The one when you’re lying in bed at night thinking “what in the world are we going to talk about on our honeymoon alone together for a week” or, “if we get married and I can’t have children, would I want to be with this person for the rest of my life? No”. When he disrespects you over something that seems obvious, but then isn’t apologetic and instead tries to convince you that you’re wrong for feeling direspected, listen to the little voice that shouts that you are not wrong for thinking he probably shouldn’t leave you at a restaurant alone for an hour while he goes to “park the car” and ends up getting a drink with his father at a totally different restaurant across town. Listen to the little voice that tells you you deserve better than someone who would put you at risk in any way, let alone be smoking a joint in the car while driving you somewhere, and no you should not “just be more cool about it”, you should get the f out. IMMEDIATELY. If you have the good fortune to go to an energy healer who tells you that your heart is sending the message “I don’t know what I’m doing”, believe it. If you’re lucky to have a good relationship with your parents and that little voice is telling you that this relationship is not what they want for you, and they would be so disappointed if they knew the full dynamic of your relationship, listen to it. Listen to the little voice that says “he is going to make your life miserable, and you are going to do the same to him” when you look at him, even if that happens once, it is too many times. You deserve SO MUCH MORE. Stop wasting your precious time.
The final dealbreakers for us happened when he “shattered” his leg 7 months ago. I just recently found a job after 8 months of looking, so at the time of his injury, I was home and waiting on him hand and foot all day, every day. For months – he is still not fully better. My family was so supportive during this time, and his was basically nonexistent (another issue in our relationship – “supportive” for them basically means “throw money at it”). It took this injury for me to realize that even with all that I had done for him and for our home, all the care and the stress and the love and the upkeep, he was still a person who needed to have a sit down with me so that I could “tell (him) again how (his) injury had affected (my) life”, and that if the roles were reversed, he would have been doing “all of this and five times more”. Combine that with the fact that I recently found out that he had been texting a single girl (a “friend”), saying mean things about me and alluding to them hanging out in the future, and, done. But it shouldn’t have even taken these instances – I should have listened to that little voice over two years ago. Your gut instincts are rarely wrong, and surpressing that voice starts to erode your self-worth and self-confidence.
Ending this relationship, and this wedding, is awful. It is hard and it’s sad and it’s lonely and my emotions go through waves and waves, which I expect they’ll continue to for a while. However. There would be nothing harder, sadder, or lonlier than being with the person I know in my heart of hearts isn’t the right one for me. We all deserve to be happy. We all are in charge of our own happiness. Choose wisely and for the right reasons. No amount of money or fear or doubt is worth staying with someone who fundamentally isn’t on your level. Clear that space out, so you can make room for the one you’re REALLY meant to be with. Listen to that little voice inside you and stop wasting time with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Make good choices, and choose to be happy.