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Sorry you're feeling down.
Have you asked your FI about he wants in terms of a wedding? Perhaps he wants a small wedding and you can embrace that and start planning?
What about having a small and gorgeous wedding that you can plan right now and then planning a big blowout bash of a vow renewal to celebrate a future anniversary when money isn't so tight?
Aww (hugs)
Okay, if you're unemployed & getting depressed- YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! Leave right now. Go for a walk. Join a club. Volunteer... something! Please, it's so important to stay busy until you find work! I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've been there... it's such a lonely place. You need to take care of yourself :)
We're all here to talk to if you need to!
If you just have such a longing to finally be his wife, why not go with the smaller wedding with your immediate family. Those are some of the best weddings I've attended. They're super romantic & intimate... what a wonderful way to celebrate your love. :)
Hugs hugs hugs! I'm sorry things seem so down right now. Try and focus on the positive though. You have the person that you love by your side, and you have a future together.
Take this time to gather ideas, get a plan, and save all you can if you want a big wedding. But also remember that it isn't about the big flashy wedding. It's about making a commitment to the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
oh sweetie I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I wish I was there to give you a hug!
I don't know what to tell you but to hang in there. Things will get better. Keep looking for a job and keep thinking about your loving fiance and how the day you do get married will be perfect because you will be marrying your love!
Do you have a friend you could call and talk to about how you are feeling? A sister or your mom?
And you know the bees are always here for you too! HUGS!!!!
my fiance says he'll just do what makes me happy
i dont know...i can't even think. i just want to do it, but i'll be sad that i wouldn't be able to invite our friends
You know my cousin had a very small intimate wedding because he was getting sent to Iraq. They only had the two of them and their parents, grandparents and sibilings. They did this for two reasons 1. They needed to save up for the wedding and 2. Because she needed on his insurance.
When he got home a year later they had another wedding and reception.
Sorry you're feeling down but you could always do something like the above.
Awww ((HUGS))
I think you need to take a deep breath and try not to focus on how badly you want the wedding now. Sounds like, from what you're saying, money is real tight and you won't be able to have the wedding you want right now, so why don't you take the energy you want to throw into wedding planning and throw it into a job search instead? You WILL get married and you will then have years of being married. Right now you should focus on getting your finances/career situation together because - and my friend is going through this exact thing right now - if you get married and one of you is unemployed and money is tight, it can put a serious if not fatal strain on your relationship.
I know you're excited about getting married and want to plan stuff and have the wedding of your dreams, but if you don't focus on the job and the here and now money wise, you won't end up with the marriage of your dreams in the long run.
I am sorry you feel this way. Wedding can be so much fun, but can stir up a lot of emotions too.
My fiance and I were in the same boat. We both work full time, I go to school full time and pay my way through it. We have a house, bills, all the normal adult responsiIilites. Our families dont have the money to help with the wedding and we knew we couldnt afford it either. When I got my ring, I immediately went into wedding planning frenzy. Then it all came to a screeching halt when I found out that I would have to wait 2 1/2 yrs before I could say I do. It took over 4 years and buying a house together for him to propose, now I hate to wait even longer. I was so upset.
But EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
We are getting married April 2011 (been engaged since Christmas) we are planning a destination wedding to Jamaica (very cheap) and the guest list is 30.
Having a destination wedding makes the guest list very small, its cheap and exotic. The guest pay for themselves to come and all we have to worry about is ourselves. It sounds selfish, but being a full time student/working full time/putting myself through college, its the only way I feel comfortable doing it.
Think about what you really want. Think about what matters the most and go from there.. The way I see it, a long engagement means more time to save and more time to be picky :)
Seriously - engaged or not engaged you'd feel this way unemployed in some way or another. It's depressing sitting at home by yourself. I know ... I've sooo been there. Time for a hobby. Seriously.
Do you have any craft materials laying around?
What about walking around a park?
Coloring is always good, cheap, and effective for a smile!
It'll all work out - and when it does, you'll be pleasantly in awe of how it did. Seriously. FI and I have next to no money ourselves (heck, I don't even have an actual ring bc of our money situation) and I want to just get things rolling, too - but all good things take time! And it will happen - you know that much. Maybe start with some inspiration? I think asking FI would be a great idea!
Hive (((hugs))). I think it's easy to slip into "bridal obession" where one feels she HAS to have this and that and everything under the sun on her wedding day. If all you want is to be married, why not head to the courthouse ala Mrs.Mary Jane? There is certainly NOTHING wrong with that.
If you've truly become that obsessed, maybe it's time for a break from all things wedding related? There was a time before I was engaged that I FORCED myself not to look at any wedding related sites and it helped me gain perspective a LOT.
GL.
oh man...i cannot force myself to not look at wedding bee!
i am a creative person, so i can find things to do...i just dont have the motivation to really do anything lately.
i haven't even worked out in a month...been getting into a slump...i should probably pick that up again. but yes, i need a job, and wedding related stuff is getting in the way.
it really is difficult. i'm trying girls. thanks for all your support
<3
((HUGS)) Do the two of you own your own home? Do your parents? Perhaps you can have a great bbq in the backyard and invite everyone and go for a summer casual look. Does your state allow fireworks? If so you can have it near the 4th of July and use them as favors and entertainment! Please don't worry everything will and can be beautiful on a budget. Have you tried to gain seasonal employment somewhere? I recently got a job as a seasonal employee at a craft store (it's supposed to go to perm but we'll see). I get a 25% off discount which sure does help with my business (event design) it's almost like I am getting paid to get a discount :D and I LOVE the store. The seasonal job pays crap, but it does get you out of the house and cash in your pocket... Good luck and keep your head up :D There are plenty of ways to get married without spending a ton... It's like Steinmart's slogan : You don't have to spend a lot to look like you did :D
no, we dont own a home. my parents do, but they live in florida (like in a community..so i dont think you can have parties outside)
yes, i can always work in a store or something....i feel dumb, but i've never really did that type of work (working in a store). and it doesn't help that i think i have some sort of social phobia...so its so hard for me to try something new/especially jobs. i get so nervous. i should probably just muster up the courage to do so.
I was in your position - I wasn't unemployed but I am a graduate student and the graduate student stipend isn't that much so what I did was I made a budget - like a full detailed wedding budget which meant calling vendors etc and getting different prices for all the different options. Asking venues if they have cheap options - fridays, sundays etc. Flowers asking for inexpensive in season flowers. Working out an actual guest list - one for your small wedding and one for you large wedding.
Once I had everything budgeted out I could look at our finances and see what we were financially able to do. I also went to our parents with the budget to tell them what we were looking at doing and we were really lucky as they offered to contribute partially.
This could help you to see realistically what you are able to do and it will give you a timeline of when it could be possible which may settle your anxiety a bit.
It also makes planning really easy when it comes time to do it because everything is already decided and priced out - just keep in mind that prices may go up year to year!
Good Luck with finding a job!!!!!
@luli: also once you find a job, any job, other job offers will present themselves. For some reason, thats ALWAYS the way :)
Keep yourself busy!!
My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding and we went back and forth to a wedding or eloping or small immeadiate family. We ended up agreeing on a wedding. We are spending about 4,000 max on the wedding. If you have any resources, use them. We have a family friend who has a house on the water so the ceremony site is free. Then our reception is at a fire dept that only cost $200 to rent. Our dj is $400, photographer is $400, and food we are cooking ourselves. I am borrowing a lot of stuff from people who have gotten married also. I was bad and splurged on my dress. :( You can save in a lot places with wedding. I am finding all my flowers on ebay also. Ebay saves you a lot of money!!!
Have a friend with a camera? Get them to be the photographer! If you need any ideas on how to save I am full of them! And remember what the wedding is truely about. It is about uniting with the love of your life. Do what makes you happy! We are here for you!
You are not going to be jobless forever, so chipper up! I have also been in that situation before. I felt like I cleaned the house 30 times a day! :) Once you find one, you can try to save and get into the fun planning! Just don't dwell on it. It will come!
I'm sorry you are feeling this way....I have been going through something similar.
We have a 7 month old son and we are also paying for the wedding ourselves and we both got huge paycuts this year. When I first started wedding planning I did the same exact thing by going on the Bee and other fun sites searching, planning, obsessing. Each day was a different topic...invitations, favors, etc. I had all these plans for these great locations, photo booth, awesome favors and the whole nine yards. Then reality sunk in, my mom had a talk with me and so did my fiance. Why would we plan something that we absolutely cannot afford and start off our great life together in debt and have more problems.
Then I did more searching on affordable weddings. There are so many options such as having it at a beautiful park and having a picnic wedding, having a dessert and champagne wedding, finding locations that include everything in a package, ect.
We finally came to an agreement on how we would do this. We are having a really small (25 person) ceremony at a restaurant that looks over the ocean and just our immediate family will be there. We each chose one friend (if you can't choose, then just stick to family). Since they are our immediate family they understand our situation and are going to pay for themselves. I got a bridesmaid dress in ivory rather than a traditional wedding dress (no one can tell the difference), my flowers are from Safeway rather than a florist, I am borrowing my jewelry, I am wearing a cute pair of pink heels I already own, a friend is doing my hair, I found a photographer on Craigslist for $350, we are taking only a small local trip for a honeymoon and will go to Costa Rica when we can afford it in a year or so.
Then a few months from now we are having a large picnic celebration so that everyone can join. We will send out an announcement / save the date card to let people know. The picnic site is like $60 to rent and we will also have blankets for people to sit on. Most local deli's will do a boxed lunch for about $10 a pop. Then there is costco for drinks and you can either make your own cupcakes or find someone reasonable. We decided not to do favors...most people throw them away anyways. We may build our own photobooth and put out things like bubbles, horseshoes, and frisbees to play with and we won't have a DJ but instead a boom box. Basically it is like a family reunion. We think people will have a really fun time and just get to be relaxed and not feel stuffy.
While looking at wedding magazines and sites can be so fun, it can also be depressing when you can't afford it all. But it's just like anything else, it is drilled into our brains it has to be this extravagent event, just like we are all supposed to be thin and beautiful and look like models. In the end after the big parade of your wedding day is over the outcome is the same. No matter what kind of wedding you have you two are married and will be together forever and life will go on. Just because you don't have this extravagent memory of your big day doesn't mean you won't have a beautiful and meaningful memory of your big day. What matters most is you have each other. I know that sounds cheesy but at the end of the day it's so true.
As much as it sucks to have to wait even longer, maybe just pick a date that is further out and start planning how much $$ you will need to put away to make it happen and scale down if you need to. Sometimes I think eloping would have been just as special and you can always celebrate later. Another option is a cruise. Everyone pretty much pays their own way.
Good luck. Sorry for the really long message but that is what I went through to resolve the same situation.
Ok - stop and take a moment - breath in and out - and REALX!
I always thought I was the ONLY bride in ALL of America (and probably the world) who was going to have to pay for her own wedding. Then I came here and saw that there are so many people in our shoes!
We have changed our date THREE times because of money - we even had to eat a deposit that I'm still trying to get back, but we are looking like we are out the $500. But we can't possibly get married right now, because then we would start out in a huge hole.
After you have taken a few clensing breaths, look at how much money you have coming in and how much you have going out. Can you cut out the "extras" like eating out, bottled water, name brand items? I'm sure you have seen that Wal-Mart commercial about the savings from taking your lunch and eating breakfast at home - it's TRUE!
I know you want to get married - that is why you are here! But remember that this is the ONE day that you get - yes, you could get married and then do a party later, but later never seems to happen because life happens. Look at what you want and see if there is a way you can do most of it yourself or get friends and family involved in working on projects - food, flowers, venue, etc.
Everything will work out, it always does, just do one thing at a time. See how much your over the top dream day would cost and then see what you can go without and what you feel you just have to have. Go from there.
Good luck and I hope that you are able to find a job quickly!
thank you all again
i just had a comforting conversation with my mom.
i was feeling the pressure of doing a small wedding with just my immediate family, or having to include all family (all or none). this is because i have a hispanic family...and if you're hispanic...you know how it can get if you dont include everyone...even if you haven't seen them since childhood.
however, my mom and dad both agree that i don't have to ask their permission at all about my wedding guests. they said i can do whatever i want
so i am contemplating just doing immediate family and our friends. that way we can have a slightly larger guest list (which will satisfy me), and we can actually include people we want to see.
i dont know if this will be the defnite way to go, but now that i know i have my parent's support, i do feel better :)
The bees are right -- turn off the computer and find some other way to occupy your mind! This site will eat you alive if you let it. I have to limit myself, or I've ended up at school late, forgotten to do my homework, and blown off my friends. Scary!
OR (oooh wheels in my brain are turning...) if you're crafty and wedding obsessed, start crafting and see about selling some stuff on Etsy. You can experiment with wedding ideas to your heart's content AND make some cash (if your stuff is, uh, worth buying, hehe).
As far as having a less expensive wedding, I feel your pain! BUT it IS possible!!! There are so many great ideas out there! Potluck receptions sound like a BLAST to me, backyard ceremonies and receptions; no one will look down on you for using plastic ware instead of china, or making beautiful paper or silk flowers instead of using all real ones. It's VERY, VERY doable to have a fun, beautiful wedding without breaking the bank. Think of it as a challenge!
Here, how about a few on sale dresses that I think would make GREAT wedding dresses to start?
Oh, other ideas for getting a job:
-hit up local colleges and ask about the international student center - you could make money tutoring ESL (English as a Second Language) students (one-on-one, good if you don't like big social situations like me), most of whom have to have proficiency in English before they can even start taking their classes, let alone graduate.
-advertise as a personal assistant; picking up drying cleaning, running errands, doing light housework for home bound elderly folks; you could ask at a local hospital if there's somewhere you could post a notice for the homebound (the hospital is one place they're sure to get on occassion) and then taxi people to their doctors' appts, etc.
-offer wedding day coordination to other local brides, at a fraction of the cost a trained wedding coordinator would; it'll give you wedding ideas too! (think of it as research) this one would probably only work if you're pretty organized mentally :)
Good luck!
I remember when I was in my last semester of clinicals and making little money and also sleeping very little. It does get to you.
And as for a wedding? Check out www.intimateweddings.com for elegant yet smaller weddings. I love that site (this one has my heart btw) and also for budget weddings, (and pardon the colorful expletive in its name) www.thebrokeassbride.com!
I'm also paying for my own wedding and am older and in a bit of a different situation but when I married my former husband just shortly after college, I paid for my own dress, the flowers, etc. And here on the "Bee' there's tons of brides who are rolling up their sleeves and either doing lots of DIY or paying for things themselves too!
I'm going to agree with everyone else and advise you to find yourself something to keep you occupied that isn't wb/internet/wedding thoughts. Baking is always good.
I'm in more or less the same boat (no job, home all day, but not engaged), and if I sit around and ponder why this or that isn't happening, or let all of the people that like to call and give me crap get to me,I end up ridiculously mopey. Not fun at all.
I'm almost tempted to suggest that we do the do now, and have the big todo when I am employed and we can afford it. No one would need to know that I was married and just wearing an engagement ring until the big event. I also figure that married status gets a few more dollars back on his paycheck (~150/mo), so that could help for any future planning, and in case the job hunt goes on longer than expected.
My sister cross stitches and she loves it! She's cross stitched the front of an adorable apron for me and it's a stress reliever for her.
And how about weekend hiking? Go with FI or a friend (always safer) and research during the week a fun place to go hiking and then pack up some water and snacks, a backpack, lace up your boots or tennis shoes and go!
I understand completely about your wedding guests. In the hispanic culture (i am mexican) it's just assumed that the entire family is invited, kids, babies, grandma and great grandma, godparents. And imagine that on bride and grooms side of the family. It can get CRAZY!
Don't feel bad, this is an emotional time! If I were you, I'd back off some of the blogs that I was visiting (obviously not this one). You're naturally going to get more depressed about your financial situation when you're looking at pics of weddings that cost tens of thousands of dollars. Check out blogs that focus more on helping you decide what's important to you and creative ways to make it happen. I know it seems as though everyone has an endless supply of money to pay for the wedding of their dreams, but their are lots of people with budgets like US.
This is a tough time but you're going to get through it.
thanks girls
I am feeling A LOT better today. In my heart, I feel that we will be having a small wedding of just immediate family and out closest friends (about 50 max). And I am really comofrotable with that idea...I know it could be great.
I think we will probably just have a church ceremony, and a dinner afterwards at a lovely restaurant in Boston (already have one in mind...a Spanish tapas restaurant). I am thinking it would be lovely just for us to have our first dance, but that's it...no grand production. Just a lovely dinner w/ cake of course!
It could still get pricey, but hopefully the whole shebang (ceremony, reception, rings, clothing) will be under 8k. If that is the case, I think it is reasonable, even if I don't have a job at the moment.
Are we the same person? I too am looking for a job and currently working from home, but very minimal hours. It can get very depressing. We are doing ok financially, but it's VERY hard to pay for wedding related things. (I'm selling random things around the house and my clothes on ebay to make a little cash to order favor boxe)
If you want to talk, I'd be more than happy to listen. We can share thoughts and encourage each other! We'll get through it. :) And btw, I wish I could go back in time and have a small intimate wedding, but the venue has been booked for a year now and it's a little too late to go back.
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this is so difficult, i'm just crying, can't help it
it took so long to get engaged...now with the ring on my finger, i can't help but just want to get married
but we hardly have money, and i'm trying to get a job, and whenever this thing happens, we will have to pay for all of it ourselves.
i just sit here everyday, alone, while my fiance is at work, and look at weddingbee and get so sad because i just can't do any of this right now
i keep going back and forth over what i want, a larger wedding, and what we could afford, a small one with just our immediate families...but i just cant make up my mind.
and i need to get a job, but i cant focus on it...all i think about is wanting to plan my wedding
its just too much to handle, and i wish i had someone to talk to, but i am just alone most of the time