Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor has a little bit of a trust issue with her fiance. He’s never done anything like cheat, but he has told quite a few white lies. He went to this concert a couple weeks ago and said he wouldn’t go with this guy that she doesn’t trust. But, that he was going to go with his sister. She looked at his phone and he had plans to pick up and take the guy that he said he would not go with (the friend is not very trustworthy) and he also had a call to his sister. She said that she told him ‘I would rather you not go with the guy, but since your sister is going, alright.’ His sister is also a bridesmaid. But, she got curious and looked at her nearby friends. What she said was that according to her nearby friends the sister was home all night (her house is 2 miles away, while the club/concert is 10 miles away). She wants my opinion, but I’m not sure what to tell her. He is a really good guy, has had trouble in past relationships, but is amazing to her. I feel like he lies to her sometimes so he won’t get in trouble with her. Does anyone have opinions? What do you really think? Do you think she should say something? What do you think I should tell her?
Post # 3
AmyNicole1207: yup, overreacting. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions on who to hang out with. He shouldn’t have to lie, its wrong, but, I can see where he’s coming from. Unless I was hanging with some cracked out loser, my Fiance better never tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. Same for him. Wed tell each other to fuck off. We have trust, and I’m a grown woman who isn’t susceptible to a friends influences. I know cheating, drugs, black out drinking and a few other things are off limits, no way would a friend be able to talk me into anything.
She needs to back up and stop controlling him.
ETA: if she’s so worried about her FIs decision making skills, maybe she should find another partner.
Post # 5
AmyNicole1207: I think her fiance failed by not shutting down her behavior when she told him who he could and could not spend time with. It doesn’t show much integrity to agree to something (albeit something idiculous) and then lie about it to avoid getting into trouble. I think neither of them is behaving like an adult, that being said I probably wouldn’t say that to a friend 🙂 I hope they figure it out, are they very young? Just from this teeny-tiny window into their relationship it doesn’t sound like they should be getting married anytime soon. And of course we all have our own priorities when it comes to relationships, but one of my big deal-breakers is lying so maybe I’m looking at it more critically. I’m sorry you’re being put in the middle!
Post # 6
The only reason he seems to be lying is because he probably knows she’d be upset if she knew who he was going out with.
Unless there is a huge issue (like drugs or something) she needs to calm down and quit trying to dictate who his friends are. Seriously controlling behavior. Her relationship will be much better if she lets him be his own man.
Post # 7
AmyNicole1207: I strongly disagree with other posters who have excused this guy’s lying. If he doesn’t want to fight with your friend, lying is the most cowardly thing he can do. If he doesn’t like her “demands” he can end the relationship, instead of trying to pull one over on her. He’s not trying to keep the peace, he’s trying to do what he wants without respect to your friend’s feelings.
I don’t know anything about any of these people, but in my experience, girlfriends get controlling for good reasons. If she’s an otherwise trusting person, she probably has a very good reason to not trust this friend or her boyfriend’s behavior around him.
You say this guy is amazing to your friend, but I’m not really seeing that from what you’ve said. He sounds like a shady type who’s good at half truths and lies of omission. He doesn’t sound like much of a catch.
That being said, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get too involved. Be there for her, express to her that honesty is vital in a healthy, respectful relationship, but don’t get too personal.
Post # 8
Mind your own business. She’s at the point of lookng through his phone and telling him who he can and cannot hang out with… Nothing you say will fix that mess. She clearly doesn’t trust him, you inserting yourself in the situation won’t help.
Post # 9
renierose: oh please. Guys are dumb sometimes. Sometimes they lie simply because they don’t want to deal with getting yelled or they don’t want to hurt their partner. It doesn’t make it right, but he’s not lying about being with a woman or doing drugs.
Its clear in this situation that he feels controlled. As an adult, he can, most likely, handle himself in an upstanding manner. He’s not her child. She has no right to choose his friendsfor him. And if its really that bad, to where she can’t trust him with certain people, she should move on with her life.
Post # 10
AmyNicole1207: He’s never done anything like cheat, but he has told quite a few white lies.<br /><br />
White lies are the hallmark of a cheater, or at the very least, someone with character/integrity issues.
renierose: in my experience, girlfriends get controlling for good reasons. ….. If he doesn’t like her “demands” he can end the relationship, instead of trying to pull one over on her.
Post # 11
Be careful- getting pulled into these kinds of issues can cost you friends.
Be a sounding board if you want, but without expressing your opinion, help her to focus that she’s in charge of her feelings and she has to figure out what will help her develop the best possible communication with her guy.
No third party can possibly know the dynamics of her relationship except her and her Fiance.
Post # 11
I always love the holier than thou bees. The ones who say white lies are symbolic of a cheater and such. When, in fact, EVERYONE is guilty of being dishonest at some points, for one reason or another. Or, the ones who are ready to crucify your friend for looking at his phone or keeping tabs on the sister. I find it pretty hard to believe that not a single one of these bees is not guilty of investigating something where they may have suspicions. I’m not saying either one is ok, but BOTH are human nature and more common then not. So, you’re basically taking advice from a bunch of hypocrites.
That being said, while I’m not here to dissect either your friend or her SO’s behavior, it’s really not your business. Stay out of it.
Post # 12
BelliniChic: I disagree. White lies are the hallmark of a non confrontational person who is trying to avoid arguments. That being said, partners who are very controlling and confrontational are very likely to be lied to when they are with partners who hate confrontation and will go to any lengths to avoid it.
Post # 13
nycsa: I see what you’re saying. I feel like they just aren’t right for eachother if one is overly controlling and the other is constantly feeling the need to lie. You can be non-confrontational and still be honest.
Post # 14
spiffanee: I think you are right as well – it is not a good match and probably won’t last unless one (or both) of the partners changes.