Little lies

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

Susied71:  Seems like silly things to lie about. I’d be concerned as to why he thinks he needs to lie about such minor things. Not that it’s justification, but do you nag him a lot about or closely monitor his spending habits/finances? 

Post # 3
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

He is lying in order to avoid a response from you that will make him feel uncomfortable. But although this may make things easy and conflict is avoided in the short term it is a poor long term strategy and is likely to erode trust.

The most valuable things he can give to his daughter are time and love.  Expensive phones will make him feel less guilty about being absent but the best thing he can do is be supportive and available.

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

It sounds like you guys have an issue re: money or his spending habits. 

I’d sit down and have a discussion about this– obviously not an angry one. He shouldn’t feel that he has to lie to you, but clearly he’s uncomfortable about your potential reactions, otherwise why would he lie? Get to the bottom of it!

I think my own FI has some spending tendencies that could be… adjusted, but he wouldn’t lie to me about what he’s spending. If he felt that he had to, I would take that as a sign that we’re not communicating well.

Post # 7
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Why did he lie about the car payment?

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

“He admitted it and said that it was easier to not tell me because he knows how I feel about IPhones especially for an 11 yr old.”

This suggests that he’s taking an untruthful route because he really didn’t want to deal with your response. I’m not saying he is right because lying is wrong. However, it might be worth thinking about whether you both need to adjust your communication. They are trivial untruths (and not very competently conducted by him!) but both of the examples you quote seem rooted in his desire to avoid a difficult conversation with you.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
Post # 9
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Susied71:  In some ways, I can understand where your FI is coming from since he probably has a feeling or thought that he needs to avoid having to deal with your response or reaction to his spending (as the other PPs have said). However, although the “little” lies may not ever turn into bigger lies, I wouldn’t want my FI and future husband to be that way with me. As they say, the key in every relationship is trust. I suggest also to find out what the core issues are and perhaps suggest for him to speak to you about money before he spends so you both and go through it together to avoid having him lie about it after spending the money. Good luck! x

Post # 10
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

 

Susied71:  I’m from the UK and so I’ve no idea what ‘Honor Roll’ is so I’m going to assume that this is an award that shows his daughter has been particularly well behaved and hard working at school.  To maintain this kind of effort for a whole year is great and deserves a special gift.  Ultimately it is for your FI to judge what his daughter should receive but if you are unhappy about him buying her an iphone then you jointly need to come up with some really good alternative ideas.  This is particularly important if the gift is from (or paid for) by both of you.  You may also have to take into account the girl’s mother’s wishes.  It may be that your FI’s behaviour in this instance indicates a wish to avoid conflict with the girl’s mother too.  The other thing to consider is the girl herself.  She may be eleven but she may also be sensible, careful and even appreciative. 

On the subject of ‘little lies’: you need to talk to your FI about this and how it makes you both feel.  Communication between both of you , facing and dealing with conflict, and how to best make joint financial decisions are all topics that need to be discussed thoroughly. 

I think that you may also want to talk about what kind of gifts you might like to give his daughter in future.  I assume that you are a jewellery lover and so maybe a small piece of good quality gold jewellery for her thirteenth birthday?  Maybe some driving lessons when she is sixteen?  I guess that quite soon you may become officially her stepmother and so you will definitely need to think about these things.  You will also want to let her know that you think well of her. 

Good luck.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

I think you just need to talk to him. Maybe he’s use to getting the third degree about his spending habits (not necessarily from you, maybe his mother or a former girlfriend). I think you just need to talk to him and show him that he can trust that you won’t blow up on him if he spends a bit of money. 

I don’t think it sounds like you need to be worried about his lies, but I think you just need to convince him that you can handle the truth.

Post # 12
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Susied71:  I read this to my FI and his response: “what an idiot. F*ck he’s stupid”. I guess neither one of us can wrap our heads around WHY he would lie about putting down a larger deposit than he originally claimed? As far as his daughter is concerned, whether or not your input is/was welcomed isn’t the issue either. If he did something you were against, the solution isn’t to lie about it to make it go away.

It sounds like this type of thing is frequent which would worry me. Some people are just pathological and that just becomes a bigger problem as time goes on. Lying (big or small) is a great way of manipulating people, and a nasty way to start a unified, honest marriage. 

Post # 15
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Lies are concerning, especially the little “avoid trouble” ones. That’s how big lies start. Sit down and talk to him about it, and explain that you have no issue with how he spends his money, but you don’t see why he’s making up lies about it. I’ve told my DH “if you mess up and tell me about it, I’ll likely be mad, but I’ll get over it. Lie to me about it, and I’ll take you for everything”. And when he’s come to me with something like ” I messed up, I totally forgot XYZ”, it’s never been a big deal, we fix it and move on.

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