Little sister blocking family out

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

ColoradoGirl:   Do you think we should just back off and let her know we care without being too involved in her life?

<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>Yes, that’s exactly what your family needs to do.  She’s 21, an adult who can make her own decisions. Just because you and your family expect her to have her life sorted out at 21, doesn’t mean she will.  Everyone’s path is different.<br /><br /></div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>Also, why is your dad even involved in pushing for them to marry, then deciding he doesn’t want them to?  If my parents did that to me, yes I would ignore/back burner them.  Once your children become adults and are financially independant from you, you no longer have a choice in what they do.  You can either choose to support them in their decisions or not.  </div>

Post # 3
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It kind of sounds like however well intentioned, your family is pushing their morals onto your sister and she needs space to figure out what she actually wants. I htink you need to give her that space and respect that her life decisions and what’s right for her may be entirely different from what your family wants or expects. If you want her in your life you’ll have to accept her for who she is as an adult. Your father has absolutely no right to tell her who or when to marry, the day where that was acceptable are long gone, thankfully.

Post # 4
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

leembee:  I agree.

As a family you need to step back and give your sister some space. She is a 21-year-old woman who can make the choices that she thinks are best for herself. No offense, but what adult wouldn’t get sick of the constant nagging/advice/opinions about their personal relationship by all of their family members. It may not be the best or healthiest relationship, but if your sister is a smart girl, she will figure that out in time and get herself out of it. By “helping” her, your family is going to drive her away, maybe for good. Give the girl some space to figure things out for herself. It’s okay if her life doesn’t follow the same path as yours/your siblings. She’s a different person. 

Post # 5
Member
8702 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have a brother who is also pushing his family away. However, he is doing so because of outside manipulation (His girlfriend/wife/whatever she is is manipulating him).<br /><br />My advice is sad, but simple. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. You cannot make her not marry this man, you cannot force your morals or beliefs on her.

<br />Someone who doesn’t want to be found will do this. Just let it be — There is nothing you, or anyone else can do, plus your family has no right to tell her what to do with her life. She is an adult.

Post # 7
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

ColoradoGirl:  I totally understand. It seems like she’s going in the extreme opposite direction for a while. Usually if you give people more space as hard as that is, they come around sooner. Maybe have a talk with your family about how you feel they are impacting her and causing her to push further away. It’s a delicate topic but if you do it repsectfully and appeal to how much they love your sister, you might get through to them.

Post # 9
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Obviously you all love her very much, becuase if you didn’t, you wouldn’t care enough to try talking to her. But has anyone in the family considered that maybe she is happy and just wants to be left alone with her choices? Just because they are having job issues and had to downsize doesn’t mean they are in trouble or unhappy. I can’t say I blame her for pulling back, since from her point of view, she must feel like your dad absolutely hates her boyfriend, and everyone else keeps badgering her with unsolicited advice about her relationship and her life. She probably thinks you are all super disappointed with her. I think at this point, your sister is giving a clear message that she wants to be left alone. Let her come back when she is ready, and talk with the family about not pestering her or saying anything about the boyfriend the next time she comes around.

Post # 10
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You guys definitely need to give her some space. Everyone needs to try putting themselves in her shoes — she KNOWS she’s not doing well right now. She knows that things will need to change. She doesn’t sound like she’s oblivious to it. But, with 4 older (successful?) siblings and overly-involved parents, she probably feels like she can’t so much as breathe without everyone telling her what to do or how to fix her life.<br /><br />Let her figure her shit out without everyone trying to intervene. It’s her life, and your family needs to let her learn to be an adult. As it is right now, everyone is still babying her.

Post # 11
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ColoradoGirl:  I think you all shoild be less judgmental and negative and more supportive. That way se won’t block you out at a time she probably needs you most.

Post # 12
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It sounds like you have the best attitude. Your sister is avoiding your family sometimes, and being rude at other times, and this is probably something that will continue for some time. She was the youngest, so she has had many years of other people knowing what is best, and telling her. This was essential when she was growing up, but now she needs to stand on her own. It sounds like your family has the attitude that her life — her job, her boyfriend, her living situation — are not good enough. What if she always has a job at a call center, and her boyfriend is in and out of jobs his whole life? No one wants to be treated like a loser. I think it is rude of her to avoid you, but she may grow out of this avoidance as she trusts you and your adult relationships more and more. Let her do what she does, and let your dad do what he does. They’ll either learn to get along better, or they won’t. Most families have someone who is not as excited to be in close contact as they are; enjoy the people who want to hang out with you, and trust that when she wants to see you, she will reach out. She sounds very passive-aggressive. She can’t win an argument against your whole family, or even just your dad, so she makes sure no one can find her to start that argument. 

Unfortunately, just like you can’t control her, you can’t control how your other relatives perceive this behavior. You can stand up for her, or you can say that you won’t listen to anything negative about her, but that’s really all you can do.

Post # 15
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

 

ColoradoGirl:  Ouch. I have had some similar situations in my own family, and my parents have just decided they aren’t going to try to mediate any of the sibling relationships or listen to any complaints we might have about each other. It has helped quite a bit, actually. The “one big happy family” thing doesn’t always work so well, but it can get better.

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