Post # 1
I’ll be staying with J for 7 weeks this winter (minus one week when we’re in our mutual hometown – *funny story about that at the bottom), but we’re waiting to have sex until we’re married, for religious reasons.
Has anyone else ever done this? Actually lived together but not had sex during that time? Any advice (hah!)?
*okay, funny story tangent: my dad, who is a pastor and super conservative, has been freaking out about the fact that I’m staying with J, but he tries not to be too critical, because, well, my dear dad just isn’t a confrontational person. 🙂 Anyway, Dad and I were talking about the one week trip J and I are making to see them and J’s parents this winter (they live about 20 minutes from each other), and my dad asked where we would be staying – with my parents or his. I couldn’t help laughing a little, because everyone else has just assumed (rightly) that I’ll stay with my parents, but J will stay with his. Maybe this isn’t as funny if you don’t know my dad, but I got a good laugh out of it. 🙂
Post # 3
Living together but not having sex? That describes a lot of married couples I know! 🙂
Post # 4
LMAO @Mr.Bee… True story. I actually never had sex with the atty that I was engaged too due to religious reasons. He and I lived together very briefly and were madly in love and planning a wedding etc (I was an idiot and broke it off with him, but in the end it made sense). At first it was really difficult but then it got easier and we actually expressed our intimacy in other ways which was awesome and relaxing.
Post # 5
i’m in that situation…sorta.
my folks are rather old-school and also religious, and i never thought they’d ever let me cohabitate. i’m not sure if it’s because they assume that we’re waiting or because that’s no longer a big issue for them. i’m really not sure if my folks realize we are waiting or not, and it’s not exactly a subject i want to bring up to find out. i think she realizes that even though we’re waiting for certain things, we just don’t sit around on the sofa watching tv and holding hands.
about 5 months into the relationship, he had to move across the country for his job. i couldn’t exactly afford to get airfare and hotel, so when i went to visit, i had to stay with him. i remember right before my first visit, my mom ordered me these cute pajamas. i’m not sure if she assumed i’d be on my best behavior or was trying to tell me that i’d better be on my best behavior. 😉 he had stayed over at my place for a weekend once before that, and i had to tell my folks about it. he had to get out of his family’s house for the weekend, he was having a rough few days and very stressed, so he stayed with me. i was worried that my folks would freak out, but they either thought he was a ‘nice well behaved boy’ and would be on his best behavior or they figured at least he was a ‘nice well behaved boy’ and that i was an adult with my own place and could do as i pleased.
i travel to see him about once a month (unless he comes here), and one trip lasted as long as two and a half weeks! so it’s not exactly full time living together, at least for now.
this past summer they actually let us share a room on vacation! of course he’d been talking with me about marriage and getting engaged for 8 months at that point, and i’d already gone dress shopping with my mom.
i know at first my mom wanted us to be engaged before i moved out to be with him, but at some point she stopped mentioning that….i guess once i explained to her the timeline and his (very responsible) reasons for not jumping into an official proposal.
i’m so sorry for rambling. i guess i should have asked sooner….what sort of advice are you looking for? is it about how to keep the folks calm about it? is it on how to avoid temptation? feel free to send me a private message to chat about it more.
Post # 6
@banana – both of those 🙂 I mean, I know the basics (I half lived with one ex for a while and managed to maintain some boundaries, but it became a constant source of stress in our relationship, because waiting was 100% my choice and 0% his in that relationship), but … I dunno, the hive so often has a fresh perspective that I’ve not seen 🙂
Post # 7
I have several friends who lived in this kind of situation. They usually dealt with it in terms of mutually agreed upon rules – for example – my housemate’s bf would only sleep on the floor beside her futon (very low to the floor). He wasn’t allowed on the bed, and since she shared the house with two other people, there was really no other place anything to happen (her room was tiiiiiiny!). Another couple I know always slept with a pillow between them. I guess it depends on your particular living situation/relationship boundaries, but the most important thing is that you are both 100% on board with waiting.
As to parents, I’ve always found it funny that parents seem to believe that the bedroom is the only place where things can occur! I’ve never tried to broach the topic with my mum, but it’s strange that parents trust their kids in cars, movie theatres, parks, living rooms…but not in a bedroom together.
Post # 8
LOL totally doable. I don’t think it’s a big deal, nor is temptation too great. Particularly if there are other things you are doing. We took a 13 month break from sex before the wedding. We saw each other every few months obviously, but still, for a few weeks at a time. I do believe it’s 100% doable!and far easier if you’re in the same boat w/ the same beliefs
Post # 9
Yes it is do-able. We deicided to wait and after the wedding it felt kinda weird like …what? we can do this now? We decided from the start of the relationship (6 years ago) that we both felt we should abstain until marriage.
Post # 10
my husband and I refused to move in with each other because we were waiting. its just too difficult. especially if you are alone. it just leaves to much room for something to happen. But then we ended up having sex and then after that moved in with each other.
But im not saying its not possible, im just saying it would never be possible for us 😉
Post # 11
FI and I don’t live together, but if we did, there’s no way we could abstain – the temptation would be way too great!
Post # 12
Im trying to abstain from it in my current relationship. It is really hard at times. But it can be done. Good Luck!
Post # 13
I lived with FI for five months without having sex. When I decided to, it was not spur of the moment, and I think I would have done it even if we hadn’t been living together. Once the boundary is set, I think it’s possible to keep it, even while living together. Just make sure he is VERY willing to help NOT do it! 😉
Post # 14
So far so good 🙂
We’ve been really intentional about what we’re doing and when, and we are both on the same page, which helps a lot. If one of us gets a little too frisky, the other can make a gentle reminder (and yes, it’s gone both ways, haha).
I feel like sometimes J and I can do anything if we do it together. It also really helps that he shows his affection to me in so many other ways — with my crazy ex, the only way/time he showed affection was sexual, so it felt like he couldn’t really love me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. Or he made it feel that way, I guess. He was a jerk. 🙂
But with J, he does the dishes while I’m reading a magazine (after I’ve said, “Ok, I’m going to finish this article and then do the dishes” – I self talk a lot out loud, haha), or does the laundry or comes and snuggles with me while I’m reading WB, or turns the tv channel to a girly station instead of whatever guy show (Dirty Jobs, Project Repo, etc.) he was watching before I came into the room… He’s amazing.
Post # 15
I had a friend who was waiting for marriage who lived with her bf for 2 years. She moved to our city to be with him so living together made sense. I think honestly the first couple weeks are hardest but then you get the routine of it.
Post # 16
I lived with my FI for about 3 months and we didn’t have sex. There was a line and that was as far as it would go. We would both sleep in bed cuddled up. Waiting was my choice (as was the decision that we didn’t need to wait anymore) but he was great and never pressured.
My ex and I almost lived together. We were together for 4.5 years and the only time we weren’t together was when one was working or when we were sleeping. We would cuddle on the bed for hours and like with the SO there was a line and we didn’t go past it. But with that relationship we both wanted to wait.
So what I’m trying to say is as long as you both talk about what your comforatable with there shouldn’t be any problem.