(Closed) Live with him, but feel like a babysitter

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s time for a serious talk, ask him when would be a good time. Explain to him you feel like the situation is currently unbalanced and that you think he should start holding up on his end. He needs to understand that a wife, is not a mother. He’s on his own now, and he needs to take care of his business and pitch in. 

Good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yikes…I’m sorry you are so frustrated, but I can definitely see why!!  I think you need to sit him down and have a serious “heart to heart” with him.  It isn’t okay that you have to hover over him to make sure that things that he needs to do are actually getting done!  He’s an adult. You’re not his mom.  Heck, even his own mom shouldn’t have to put up with that! I’m assuming if he is old enough to get married he’d be old enough to take care of himself. Is this the first time either of you have ever lived away from your parents? 

He may have always had someone else around to do his laundry, clean up his messes, and hound him to call back about jobs…but that is NOT what you should have to do as his future wife!  I hate to sound awful, but I’d probably tell him that if he doesn’t learn to act more responsible, I’d seriously consider holding off on the wedding until he can contribute to “grown-up chores.”  If you coddle him now, it isn’t likely to change anytime soon.  I know we all gripe about our partners not contributing to one thing or another from time to time (who hasn’t had the “take out the trash, now!” conversation??), but I’m having a hard time seeing that he is currently contributing much of anything.  :/

Do you think that this is due to laziness on his part, or just that he honestly has no clue?  Also, his priorities seem a bit skewed, if he can’t see that spending $300 on a stag while not contributing any money to RENT or HIS OWN WEDDING is really just walking all over you!! 

Arguments about money and financial issues are a leading cause of divorce (not saying that this will happen to you!) I think every couple who is getting married should be able to talk openly and honestly about their finances, and BOTH parties should feel like they are “okay” with how money and household chores are split.  It doesn’t sound like you are happy about either at this point…

Post # 5
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Quite honestly, he needs to grow up and get his ish in order. I’d say it’s time for a come to jesus talk about his financial priorities and his need to do things thoroughly, properly, and punctually. You need to know that you can rely on him as a full partner in your shared goals. And until that happens, I’d be putting wedding planning on full stop.

Post # 6
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with the others!

I also think you need to just take a minute and stop. Do not continue to plan a wedding when your not sure the person can man up enough to be an equally contributing partner. You will have nothing but resentment and frustration going into a new marriage which can = a disaster.

Post # 7
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lovekiss:  This exacty. I also don’t know if I would choose to live with someone (not my husband) if they couldn’t pay their share of the rent. I did that once. Never. Again. It’s one thing if it’s temporary, but if it’s ongoing and you need to nag him about returning calls from prospective employers this doesn’t sound good . . .

Post # 9
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Sorry to hear this.  I hope your love will help you both stick through this and grow into the couple you want to be.

 

Ehhh  there seems to be a lot of this “engaged to a man-boy” business in the hive. What’s going on? I don’t think I could have said yes to a man without his business in order or at least some promising prospects. A husband has to be a MAN and father figure for our children… not children themselves.  My sister is going through this right now as well.  

 

Dating should be the time he uses to get to where he wanted to be for engagement. If not there yet, he may be on the path and will be there before the wedding. Otherwise what is the point? What kind of husband does he plan to be? What kind of father?

 

Demand a MAN ladies!

Post # 12
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You need to tell him you want to be his wife NOT his mother! This won’t change unless you say something. Suffering and seething in silence won’t do any good!

Post # 13
Member
3297 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

It’s tough at first and there are going to be growing pains. Back in the day, what you’re going through used to be the adjustment period AFTER the wedding. What worked for FI is a list of what he is responsible for. He’s not perfect, but he tries. Once you get your FI to the stage of actually recognizing that things need to be done, and him trying, you’ll be a lot more content.

Post # 14
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I hope all of that worked out for you when you spoke with him. I have to say, even though I completely agree with where you are coming from, it does come off as nagging. It’s normal there is some conflict when you are learning to live with someone, but it’s also about how you handle it and what battles are worth fighting. Sounds like you two need to sit down and come up with a better system for handling money.

My FI is not perfect with chores by far, but I really make a point that if he cooks or does the laundry to really praise him a lot for that. We also do chores at the same time, so if I’m making dinner I’ll ask him to put the dishes away – maybe when you are paying rent you can ask him to sit next to you and write out the bill payments? Anyways, good luck, it should get easier with some communication and time.

Post # 15
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I used to get this from a boyfriend, and I had to realize I was enabling him. By constantly taking care or him, you’re allowing this behavior to continue. Instead, encourage him to take care of things for himself by helping him get organized with a planner. Instead of nagging him about things, have a talk and set out your expectations. For example, choose how to divide your household duties and the day you’ll do them on. That way, you’re both holding eachother accountable. 

As far as the wedding, I think you’re being unfair to him. You agreed to what he wants, so why are you holding it against him? You should decide what you want together and work as a team to achieve it. I hope you guys get it figured out! 

Post # 16
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Regarding the chores, perhaps have a list of everything that needs to be done daily (dishes, taking out trash) and things that need to be done weekly or monthly. It may be easier if he can see it in black and white. iF you live with your parents, so many of these things are just automatically that after a while, you don’t realize all that goes into keeping a home neat.

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