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One of my friend's mother and father live apart. They've been monogamous for 16 years and are "married" but live apart. They each just have their own ways of living and it works for them. I just think it depends on the needs and expectations.
I guess so, snowpea. I'd never met anybody who did it before. I've heard (and seen) separate bedrooms, so I guess it's just an extension of that.
I think there's more than meets the eye with that article and my friend's parents. I think part of being married (in our opinion - Mr. snowpea and I) is the lifelong companionship. If it means being huddled in a studio apartment in manhattan, I can't think of a better person to be with than Mr. snowpea. The 2 pianos? I just don't buy that. Not liking change? That seems selfish to me to want all the "good" expects of a relationship and not the compromises. The clean vs messy stuff, that's what all couples deal with. In perfect world, hell yeah I'd rather not deal with Mr. snowpea's socks, but whatever, that's what brings spice into the relationship! I think if it works for the author, then that's great. But I don't think she looks at it from the perspective as I look at marriage so I don't agree with it. It wouldn't work for me.
I agree. I especially can't imagine having twin kids without the dad being there to help me out more than at dinner time every night. The author acknowledges that they'd probably fight more if they were together than they do apart, so maybe it's just their way of making things work with their two dichotomous personalities. It strikes me as selfish and weird, but I guess I can't pass judgment on it; all I can do is agree that it wouldn't work for me. I kind of feel like, "Why be married at all?" which is ironic, considering that she wrote the article to present her case.
I actually find living together to be one of the most exciting, enticing aspects of marriage. Mr Blueberry and I lived together for about a year and a half before the wedding (though, not until after we'd gotten engaged) and since getting married 6 months ago, living together has become all the more enriching. It's not only about picking his socks up off the floor, but it's also about knowing that I don't have to pick up the phone in order to talk to him, not having to schedule times to get together, etc.
As for the author of the article, I just say "hey, whatever floats their boats." But I also worry about their sons...they're being deprived of a traditional father/son relationship, without any of the key differences and usual aspects of a divorced father/son relationship. Instead of getting the best of both worlds, they're getting the full experience of neither.
And while I know I *shouldn't* speculate much beyond what the article's author presents, I do have to wonder about their age difference and the fact that she's his 3rd wife...it sounds like he's really getting the good end of this deal, doesn't it?
Agreed, blueberry. "We can be married, but the kids have to stay with you. I'll come over for you to cook me dinner. I'll also leave passive-aggressive piles of dog hair by your desk, just to point out what a slob you are."
wouldn't work for me. no way. yes, my fiance and i are going to annoy each other, living in the same space, with our different sleep schedules and eating habits. but doesn't everyone annoy each other at some point? but that's part of the fun of marriage to me - we're going to live together and like it, gosh darn it. ;)
i guess if it works for some people, and they're truly happy, then who am i to judge... but i, like blueberry, am not entirely convinced that this relationship in the article is healthy.
(then, the psych major in me wonders, is any relationship healthy? we're all unhealthy to some extent. guess it just depends on the degree of extremity.)
I can understand it. Mr. Lollipop and I have separate rooms. We sleep in the same bed, but we each have a space in our house where eveything is under one or the other's control. We share these spaces, of course; I'm typing on his computer in his room right now 
. This means that he can have an entire room dedicated to his stereo setup and a wall of manga and I can have a room full of fabric and paper samples.
In short, I can understand the need to have a room of ones own.
I love living with my fi, so this would not work for me, but...
I'm not sure why people would say its selfish. It would be if one person wanted to live together and the other didn't - but who is being selfish here when they are both happy?
It also doesn't seem to me that he's getting "a good deal." The article says he's at the wife's home every night for dinner (doesn't say who makes it) and stays until after the kids are asleep. He seems to do stuff around the house - he brushes the dog often enough to make a huge hairball anyway. And he's there overnight about half the time. Meaning he spends half his week in an apartment that drives him nuts - seriously this woman sounds disgustingly messy.
I guess it sounds selfish to me because the kids are with her. But that could be her choice.
I understand that some people just can't live together. It just makes me wonder why they get married, or what else might be going on that makes them so unable to coexist.
Don't get me wrong - I said for years that instead of getting married, I'd get an apartment around the corner from a lover and live by myself. In the end, that might have been the better idea, but right now i can't imagine not coexisting with my fiance on a daily basis. i definitely understand needing your space, as per Mrs. Lollipop's comment. But I can't imagine him living in a whole other apartment. I'm glad that if we fight, he can't storm off somewhere for days on end. Who knows where that would go.
I'm probably totally biased on this. As somebody whose fiance has been hundreds of miles away for years, I can't wait to be with him full-time. My posts will probably change their tone once he's here. :)
Anyway, I just thought it was an interesting article in light of the "living together?" thread from a few days ago. We rarely think about people who choose not to live together.
My FI's grandfather and step-grandmother never officially divorced, they just stoped living together. It worked for them, but it made it very hard when his grandfather passed away. Because he was still married, everything went to his wife and her daughter. FI's dad told me just yesterday about some things of his mom, who died when he was little, that his dad promised him but that went to his stepmother legally.
I say whatever works for you, but keep your children in mind.
The tone I got from the article annoyed me. Her saying she can't understand why anyone would want to live with their husband. And the fact that she basically said they had nothing in common.Â
ha! I wonder if the likelihood of saying "yes, I would" was directly and positively correlated with how long respondents had been married? :)
I have to read the actual article later, 'cause WB has TOTALLY sucked my morning away...but it's an interesting topic.
TIME magazine just did an article about couples that live apart for work reasons that I read the other night:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1666269,00.html
What's interesting is that the writer addresses the fact that these couple often fight less...likely b/c they don't spend a lot of time w/ each other which can cause friction AND b/c they're always in "on your best behavior" mode -- which isn't necessarily good. It rang true for me b/c the guy I dated before my hubs was a LDR -- we hardly spent any time together in person -- and we fought like twice in our whole relationship, which wasn't really healthy -- I suppressed a lot of stuff b/c I felt like "why ruin the time we have together." I have to go read the article, though -- it sounds like a different situation; sounds like they spend a lot of time together, just not in the same residence.
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This is a really interesting article written by a woman who has always intentionally lived across town from her husband. What do you guys think? I have joked in the past about my future husband and I getting apartments around the corner from one another instead of living together, but for me, part of being married is being grossed out by your guy on a regular basis. : )
(although I feel I must confess that truthfully, I'm the messy, disgusting one.)
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21369007/