(Closed) Living Apart – for good?

posted 10 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2007

One of my friend’s mother and father live apart. They’ve been monogamous for 16 years and are "married" but live apart. They each just have their own ways of living and it works for them. I just think it depends on the needs and expectations.

Post # 5
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2007

I think there’s more than meets the eye with that article and my friend’s parents. I think part of being married (in our opinion – Mr. snowpea and I) is the lifelong companionship. If it means being huddled in a studio apartment in manhattan, I can’t think of a better person to be with than Mr. snowpea. The 2 pianos? I just don’t buy that. Not liking change? That seems selfish to me to want all the "good" expects of a relationship and not the compromises. The clean vs messy stuff, that’s what all couples deal with. In perfect world, hell yeah I’d rather not deal with Mr. snowpea’s socks, but whatever, that’s what brings spice into the relationship! I think if it works for the author, then that’s great. But I don’t think she looks at it from the perspective as I look at marriage so I don’t agree with it. It wouldn’t work for me.

Post # 7
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2007 - Wynbrick Center - a historic mansion in my hometown.

I actually find living together to be one of the most exciting, enticing aspects of marriage.  Mr Blueberry and I lived together for about a year and a half before the wedding (though, not until after we’d gotten engaged) and since getting married 6 months ago, living together has become all the more enriching.  It’s not only about picking his socks up off the floor, but it’s also about knowing that I don’t have to pick up the phone in order to talk to him, not having to schedule times to get together, etc.

 As for the author of the article, I just say "hey, whatever floats their boats."  But I also worry about their sons…they’re being deprived of a traditional father/son relationship, without any of the key differences and usual aspects of a divorced father/son relationship.  Instead of getting the best of both worlds, they’re getting the full experience of neither.

And while I know I *shouldn’t* speculate much beyond what the article’s author presents, I do have to wonder about their age difference and the fact that she’s his 3rd wife…it sounds like he’s really getting the good end of this deal, doesn’t it? 

Post # 9
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

wouldn’t work for me. no way. yes, my fiance and i are going to annoy each other, living in the same space, with our different sleep schedules and eating habits. but doesn’t everyone annoy each other at some point? but that’s part of the fun of marriage to me – we’re going to live together and like it, gosh darn it. 😉

i guess if it works for some people, and they’re truly happy, then who am i to judge… but i, like blueberry, am not entirely convinced that this relationship in the article is healthy.

(then, the psych major in me wonders, is any relationship healthy? we’re all unhealthy to some extent. guess it just depends on the degree of extremity.)

Post # 10
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007 - The PPG Aquarium at the Pittsburgh Zoo

I can understand it.  Mr. Lollipop and I have separate rooms.  We sleep in the same bed, but we each have a space in our house where eveything is under one or the other’s control.  We share these spaces, of course; I’m typing on his computer in his room right now .  This means that he can have an entire room dedicated to his stereo setup and a wall of manga and I can have a room full of fabric and paper samples.

In short, I can understand the need to have a room of ones own. 

Post # 11
Member
17 posts
Newbee

I love living with my fi, so this would not work for me, but…

I’m not sure why people would say its selfish. It would be if one person wanted to live together and the other didn’t – but who is being selfish here when they are both happy?

It also doesn’t seem to me that he’s getting "a good deal." The article says he’s at the wife’s home every night for dinner (doesn’t say who makes it) and stays until after the kids are asleep. He seems to do stuff around the house – he brushes the dog often enough to make a huge hairball anyway. And he’s there overnight about half the time. Meaning he spends half his week in an apartment that drives him nuts – seriously this woman sounds disgustingly messy.

Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2009

My FI’s grandfather and step-grandmother never officially divorced, they just stoped living together. It worked for them, but it made it very hard when his grandfather passed away. Because he was still married, everything went to his wife and her daughter.  FI’s dad told me just yesterday about some things of his mom, who died when he was little, that his dad promised him but that went to his stepmother legally.

I say whatever works for you, but keep your children in mind.

Post # 14
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

The tone I got from the article annoyed me.  Her saying she can’t understand why anyone would want to live with their husband.  And the fact that she basically said they had nothing in common. 

To me, if you aren’t going to live together why go through getting married?  Why not just keep dating?  Do you really need to be married if you aren’t fully going to commit to each other and make the effort to live together?
I can understand having a different bedroom even, but to live across town is just really odd to me.  The article just didn’t sit well with me.
It also blew my mind that the poll was as close as it was.  When I voted it was something like 45% said they’d never live apart from their husband, while 40% said heck yeah.

Post # 16
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

I have to read the actual article later, ’cause WB has TOTALLY sucked my morning away…but it’s an interesting topic.

TIME magazine just did an article about couples that live apart for work reasons that I read the other night:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1666269,00.html

What’s interesting is that the writer addresses the fact that these couple often fight less…likely b/c they don’t spend a lot of time w/ each other which can cause friction AND b/c they’re always in "on your best behavior" mode — which isn’t necessarily good. It rang true for me b/c the guy I dated before my hubs was a LDR — we hardly spent any time together in person — and we fought like twice in our whole relationship, which wasn’t really healthy — I suppressed a lot of stuff b/c I felt like "why ruin the time we have together."  I have to go read the article, though — it sounds like a different situation; sounds like they spend a lot of time together, just not in the same residence.

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