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So when we first met with our preist a few months ago the "cohabitation" conversation came up. We told the truth. YES we are living together. (We are Catholic, btw). He was pretty laid back about it, but did inform us that according to a college study (nothing to do witht he church, he pointed out) was performed and the results were that most couples who cohabitated before marriage were more likely to get a divorce.
FI and I have been together just over 5 years. We have lived together for four of those years.
How many bees out there, dating or engaged are "living in sin" as I like to call it? How many of you married bees cohabitated before your nuptuals??
@Mrs.tobe: People just like to throw numbers out there to freak you out when youre doing something they dont agree with. Those who have lived with their partner for years before they married are quick to judge couples who wait to live together until marriage... and those who are waiting criticise others who live together calling it a sin. They throw the stats and the word divorce around to irritate you.
That being said, I dont live with my FI and I have been with him for 5 years. Ive heard peoples opinions and I dont care for them because nobody is a mind reader and my love and relationship with someone can only be understood by me and my FI.
@CinnamonHeart: And we both get that... The whole "big scary numbers game". We are secure in our relationship, and our choices as a couple. I feel like couples catch a lot of flack for choosing to live together from some, and choosing NOT to live together from others.
Glad you guys have a great relationship, and I totally respect your decision not to live together. :o)
We are too...
I wish we hadn't to begin with. :(
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE living with him. I've told my story a couple times here, but basically, I am just sad that what I always wanted to be a special thing after the wedding will no longer be. It was a weird situation that led to me making the decision to move in with him, but basically all the reasons FOR cohabitating (finding out each other's quirks, getting the adjustment period over with before you begin your marriage, etc.) just did not apply with us. There was no "adjustment." We've never once had so much as the tiniest argument over ANY living together issues, and could not possibly get along better than we do. This would have been a dream come true for me if it could have waited til after the wedding.
So ironically, I'm a cohabitating bride against cohabitation, despite the fact that it's worked out very happily for us.
@littlemissmango: Oh no! I'm so sorry you regret it!!! :o(
We have been living together for 4 1/2 years and I don't have a worry in the world that we will be together for the long haul. Then again, we are older so that isn't as long as most of the bees ;)
@tksjewelry: Hooray! I feel the same way about FI and I :o) Don't take this wrong please! But what do you consider "older"? Just curious I've seen so many different age ranges in the hive!
Mrs. Seashell had an interesting article about this!
Bf and I are living together; we have for about 4 years. At the time we decided to move in together, it was to end our long distance relationship and actually be able to see eachother regularly. I wouldn't take back the times we've had together, but like littlemissmango, I too wish that we'd have that special experience after we get married. I think we'll be fine though :)
Well, statistics are just that. What will happen to the majority of people. I think it's been proven that you don't NEED to live together first in order to "find out" about the other person and that the kind of person who does live together first is more likely to call it quits down the road. I've also observed that, IMO, living together is much better for the man than for the woman emotionally. We need to feel cherished and committed to and they seem to get that through cohabitation while we somehow just don't. (This is just a generalization, might not apply to individuals.)
Whether or not your marriage with succeed on an individual basis, will never be because of statistics, but rather on whether you both have the committment to see eachother through the tough times and enjoy the great times and always put your realationship first despite outside demands.
My hubby and I just celebrated our 17th anniversary last month and we lived together for 5 and a half years before that. We are still deeply in love and try to be very kind to eachother every day. His brother and my SIL did NOT live together and are celebrating their 18 year anniversay the day after my daughter's wedding.
I really believe that in marriage the thing you have to do is #1 choose wisely and #2 treat kindly.
@LemonLolly: Thanks for the link!
@AuntPatchy: Love your last couple of rules there! And congrats on your long and happy marriage!
FI and I rarely see each other during the week. So it really kind of makes the time we see each other on the weekend and actually get to sleep together that much more special! And I mean, literally sleeping next to each other. It's sad how much I miss that during the week. *sigh. At this point in time we're seeing more of each other because he is laid off from work for the winter. But during the spring/summer months he works until dark, is exhausted when he comes home, and does good to stay awake to eat dinner. Then of course I come to work at 9pm and work until 730am...you get the idea. So we actually get time to "miss eahc other" so to speak.
I've seen the study your priest referenced. What that study really points out is that non-religious people tend to cohabitate and non-religious people tend to divorce. The study didn't look at religious people that cohabitate (because the study would have found that a person's religiousness or lack thereof is the cause for divorce, not the cohabitation).
Also, I think these studies don't differentiate between couples who moved in together without a real plan for their futures and people who are engaged or definitely have a wedding in mind. That's a big difference to me. For people who move in together more or less for convenience and who are still in the mindset that it's a dating relationship that might just be temporary, sometimes the only reason they got married was because the woman pressured the man into it or because it felt like everyone expected them to.
Also, you could consider that lower-income couples might be more likely to move in prematurely for economic reasons (rather than because it's right for the relationship), and those same economic stresses can trouble a marriage later on. Lower incomes have sometimes been correlated with divorce as well.
But when a couple who could afford to live apart moves in together with a definite plan to spend the rest of their lives together, and that commitment is there before moving in, I don't think it would make a huge difference in a divorce likelihood.
These 2 factors and the religion question could explain the statistics.
"Most couples who cohabitated before marriage were more likely to get a divorce."
Sorry, but I think that study is ass-backwards. Co-habitating only builds the relationship and teaches the couple how to deal with their issues before they are forced to due so by marriage. I would have never considered marrying someone that I didn't live with first.
FI and I have lived together for almost 5 years. Whenever I see "living in sin", it makes me laugh. My mother always tells me we're "living in sin" but she is the absolute least religious person (well besides FI and I) that I know. She just says it to be annoying, she doesn't actually mean it.
@UpstateCait: I agree. I'm kind of making a joke of it myself... When I first started working at the hospital, one of the ER docs (who is extremely religious and very opinionated) started asking me all kinds of "get-to-know you" questions. FI came up (at the time he was BF) and DR. casually said something along the line of living together. That's when my sarcastic ass popped off with- "YES DR.... we are "living in sin".
He laughed hysterically.
@CatholicBee: I was thinking the same thing. Some people do not want to live together before marriage for religious reasons. In the eyes of the Catholic church, divorce is out of the question. So the people who do not wish to live together before marriage (for religious purposes) usually do not even believe in divorce. I do not have any studies to back me up, but it just makes the most sense. That's how I see it.
Okay ladies...I really wasn't posting this thread to get into the validity of the study. Just curious how many gals on here currently do or don't live with their SO's...
:D
@Mrs.tobe: I HATE IT when people bat those stats around without teasing them out. If you go into living together with open communication about intending to marry, you are less likely to divorce. If you merely shack up without that discussion/never intend to marry/shack up casually then yes, your chances of making it are obviously lower.
Beware the person who tried to warp statistics for their own purpose. They are trying to scare you into following the strict wishes of the church.
I lived with my husband for a year and a half before marriage. We have a fabulous marriage! Most people live together beforehand nowadays.
We are SUPER DUPER LIVING IN SIN because we live together with our daughter that we had outside of marriage!
We were giving the same study by FI's pastor and I have some issues with it (We're living in sin too)...the study just talks very general about couples cohabitating so it includes people who move in together before even making some sort of commitment to want to spend the rest of their lives together (i.e. "we've been dating for a couple months so maybe we should move in together). It doesn't specifically address couples who are engaged already and living together. There are many couples who live together just because they think it's the "thing to do." I think the statistic would change if they did a study on couples who start living together after they get engaged or make that commitment to each other that they will and want to get married.
my SO ad I have been livung together for almost 3 years now (dating 4 years). we were long distance and living together was the only way to be together since we were in opposite sides of the u.s. oh, and we couldnt be happier living in sin! ;)
@mrs_a.valadez: Amen lady! We couldn't be happier ourselves ;o)
And I totally agree with all the other PP's! Those studies can be VERY one sided, and the group of people/couples "surveyed" can be, well...ummm limited. I firmly believe it depends on the strength of the relationship and the two people involved as the determining factor. FI and I have never been closer.
I don't know about you ladies, but this sinner is lookin' forward to forever <3
To answer the OP's question, nah, I am not living with the FI. Which sucks because I am in NYC with insanely high rent but oh well. Anyhow, there is more to the study than meets the eye so I would be hesitant to go around quoting it.
@bRooklynRocks: I've tried to explain that I really wasn't quoting anything (priest, or said study) to make a point. Only making a joke about "living in sin"- just to see how many ladies were living with their SO like FI and I currently are doing. BUT apparently this seems to be a hot-button issue. So whatev...I'm done explaining myself about the study :o)
@littlemissmango: I understand what you mean. In December I decided to not renew my lease and move in with my fi. It made more sense because I didn't want a lease to an apartment after my wedding was over, it would be pointless to be paying the money. As much as I love living with him and like you there are no issues at all, I do wish a little bit that I had waited because I really liked the idea of experiencing living with the man I love for the first time after we had just been married.
We lived together before we started dating! Sort of. We met by doing a year in a Catholic volunteer program and we were living in the same community. So we were living in the same house, but weren't really "living together." When we moved out, I did a 2nd year with the program and my husband got his own place. I didn't want to really move in together before marriage.
We joke it was the best of both worlds. We got to see how each other interacted with household stresses, what we were like coming home at the end of the day grumpy from work, if we could manage money, etc. But it was still really special that we moved into our own little apartment after we were married. I enjoyed doing the whole newlywed thing!
I disagree when people say you should move in together before marriage. I think people say that who either a) didn't, and then realized there was a lot they didn't know about their SO, or b) grew a lot and learned a lot from moving in together. I think that you can learn what a person is like to live with by observing them with roommates, with family, by going through difficult times together. And you can also have that initial growing experience without having it be a make or break deal. My husband and I definitely had to adjust for a bit, but it wasn't a bad thing! It would have been the same adjustment before or after marriage.
I am happy that the Church doesn't discriminate against couples that live together. And while I know people have strong feelings about those studies, it's good to be aware of what potential stressors are for you. My husband and I are also more likely to get divorced cause we got married under 25. I don't think it's a crap study; I totally agree with it. It makes me realize that when I turn 29 and think "ugh, what happened to my twenties! I should've branched out on my own! I want freedom, not a house, mortgage, kids" that I have to slow down, look at the beautiful life I have with my husband and remember how grateful I am for it before it becomes a big issue.
@jedeve: That was a really great, non-biased post. Thanks for that.
We lived together before marriage; it was the right move for us, but I don't think it's necessarily right for every couple. Different strokes, you know?
Interestingly, there was recently an article in Time magazine that looked at this huge marriage study that was just conducted. The statistics showed that a bigger indicator of whether a relationship would fail is actually the education level of the partners, not whether they cohabitate before marriage. People who have a Bachelor's degree and above are less likely to get divorced; people who have less education are more likely to get divorced. The number of people living together before marriage is about the same, though, for both groups, so just living together before marriage isn't necessarily an indicator of the possibility of divorce in the future.
We did it. Neither of us had ever lived with a significant other before and we were engaged within 6 months of moving in together.
We knew we wanted to get married when we moved in together. We thought paying two separate bills each much made no sense sinve we spent all of our time together anyways. If either of us were unsure about the other person, we wouldn't have moved in together.
Looking back, I am glad we did. I always said I would only live with my husband (which turned out to be the case) and wouldn't do so until marriage. I'm glad we lived together first since there are so many little nuances that you get to know, larned to deal with or comprimise about before the huge change of being married. Being married is no different, but there is something special about knowing that you are now a family that just doesn't come when you are only living together (even as an engaged couple).
Honestly anyone who's taken a probability and statistics class can tell you that statistics can be twisted to support any belief. Don't take it to heart hun.
yup. together 4 years living together for 4 years haha! If it helps, he has been my closest friend for the last 10 years. I believe in "testing the waters".
We're not Catholic and I don't consider it living in sin, but we'll have lived together two years when we get married.
I HATE when people twist the statistics of that study around.. that is not at all what it was about.
Living together does not CAUSE people to get divorced.. it was simply saying that there is a higher rate of divorce amongst those that did live together prior to marriage.
Now that doesn't mean living together had anything to do with it. It could mean many things (that many people move in too quickly, that many people move in for financial reasons rather than it being right for the relationship, that people rushed into marriage etc..)
Now with people that did not move in together prior to marriage - those are statistically more likely to have done so for religious reasons and those same people are more likely to not divorce for religious reasons.
The study is crap because it really didn't find out anything at all
An important thing they teach you in analyzing statistics that says it all: Correlation does not equal causation!
We're not Catholic but we lived together for a year and a half before we got married and I wouldn't change it for anything.
After hearing stories from my mother about how much of a shock it was moving in together after getting married and having to get used to the habits, routines, and general lifestyle of another person, I thought moving in with DH would have taken a lot more getting used to.
But we're like a pair of old shoes. It's like we've always been together and there was no breaking in necessary. We are considerate of each other, share the household responsibilities well, and never feel crowded.
And I agree with PPs that the whole divorce rate argument is bogus.
I think it's good to know in what areas you have a potentially higher rate of divorce. Hubs and I got married young-ish (24) and we realize that means we have a higher chance of divorce than people who got married at 25 or higher. I could say "oh that's crap, statistics don't mean anything." Or we could keep an honest conversation going about are we still getting stuff done in life that we would have gotten done if we weren't married (like finish grad school), are we waiting to have kids till we are more prepared, are we being realistic about our earning potential at this age, etc.
I think it's the same with the living together before marriage statistic. Keep it in mind, and not as a "your relationship is doomed!" but just questions like "are we getting married because want to or just because we feel like its the next step?" "if we weren't living together, would I still want to marry this person?" "we moved into his place. Am I going to begrudge it still feeling like a bachelor's pad after the wedding?"
IMO, it's good to know where our potential strengths and weaknesses are.
We've been unofficially living together since last summer. He just sold his house and officially changed his address 2 1/2 weeks ago.
I think that if the relationship is going to work, it's going to work. It doesn't matter if you lived together beforehand or not.
I don't know many people who haven't lived together before marrying around here. In fact, I have only been to one wedding in 7 years!
We're not living together yet (at least not officially... He still pays rent at his old apartment but hasn't slept there in months), but we will move in together within the next two months. We won't get married until January.
For the record, that study that they did... It found that in general, couples who lived together before marriage had a higher rate of divorce later on, yes. However, once they looked at some of the other factors, they saw something surprising. People who serially lived with others - people who went from relationship to relationship and lived with each partner even though the relationship wasn't necessarily that serious - had a very high rate of divorce, and they raised the divorce rate of the entire "living in sin" group. However, the couples who only moved in together after they knew they were very serious and were headed for the altar - usually people who had only lived with a few people during the entire course of their lives - had a much lower divorce rate than people who didn't live together before marriage at all.
Statistics can be twisted. Make sure you know all the details.
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