Living next door to the inlaws forever (Rant)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Yeah… there needs to be some discussion here. I could see something like them not wanting you to cut down a 100 year old tree they get engaged under or something but when you live in a house that you own, you get to change it how you want. And you and FI need to talk about the whole “never going to live alone” thing. While in some families this can be expected, both parties have to be on board. I am very family oriented and that wouldn’t fly with me. And you bet I would be painting and getting rid of creepy busts in my house. There will need to be compromise but that doesn’t mean one person gets steam rolled. 

Post # 5
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You need to have a very serious discussion NOW before you get married. As of right now, if you marry him, you are agreeing to a life with in-laws and zero boundaries, a house you don’t like, and extensive care for aging grandparents (and then parents).

Post # 7
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

This would be a total dealbreaker for me. I really cherish my privacy, my ability to live in a manner of my choosing. If you are not completely downright enthusiastic about the idea of living next to your in-laws for the rest of your life then I would advise against taking the next step in your relationship.

There is so much more to spending the rest of your life with someone than love. IMO, love is a small piece of the puzzle; it does not imply compatibility. If your vision for your future is incompatible with that of your partner, and cannot be negotiated to both of your satisfaction, then it just won’t work. At least not without at least one party leading an unfulfilling existence. 

I hate to sound so negative, but to me, what you have described sounds like a prison sentence. Some might be inclined to argue that it will get better and you get used to the situation, but I think often the opposite is true. At first it might not seem so bad, when it’s new and you are freshly married and there is a sense of novelty, but after a year, five years, ten years, you are likely to be worn down and driven crazy. 

Of course, that is just my perspective on the matter. I’m sure there are others who could find this lifestyle rather agreeable. But again, I highly value the separation I have between my parents and my FIL’s even though I love them all dearly. I couldn’t stand them being privy to every aspect of my private life. 

Ultimately, you must do some serious soul searching and make your partner understand how deeply problematic and undesirable the prospective situation is for you. If he cannot take necessary action to ensure your happiness, then you may have some difficult choices ahead of you. I hope you are able to find a suitable resolution that brings you both contentment! 

Post # 8
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Good luck! You guys need to work on boundaries and ASAP. I can’t see this ending well without them. You guys need to have the discussion regardless of how much he hates it.

Post # 9
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I think you should have talked to your FI before you got engaged, since this is obviously important to you. But since you can’t go back in time, you need to resolve it before you get married otherwise the ‘trapped’ feeling you have now is just going to get worse, and you’ll be bitter towards him forever.

Post # 10
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Anon2Bee:  

I think you need to tell him that, if he loves you, you need to compromise on this situation.

My suggestion for a compromise would be – You guys bought the house, so you get to change whatever you want inside YOUR OWN house and in YOUR OWN front yard. If you talk to the grandparents about it, I’m sure they will understand. You live with the grandparents for the next 20 years, but his parents then DON’T sell their house and move into the basement, instead they keep their own house and you help them out.

You’re entitled to feel this way, and you need to make it clear to them that while you love them all and are more than happy to be a part of their family, you come from a different family yourself and you need to meet in the middle on this.

No matter how much you love your FI, don’t sign up to 20+ years of living someone else’s life in someone else’s house. It just isn’t fair.

Post # 11
Member
980 posts
Busy bee

oh wow. I’m in kind of a similar situation but not as extreme. My SO lives around the corner from his parents who live right next door to his grandparents and his family is one of the originals from the town. He is really close to his family which I love (I’m close to mine too) but I also think he needs to cut the cord a bit. He also owns his house while I’m still at home so when we move in together it will be into his house. It’s so difficult as there really is no escape or privacy or anything but he doesn’t see it that way.

Unless you buy a new house (maybe together?) that is close by but noone else has any claim to it… Seems extreme I know but at least then you’d have somewhere private/new etc. I don’t think you should kick his grandparents out of their house but I also wouldn’t be moving in with them.

I definitely think you need to have a serious chat with him about boundaries. I’m guessing he bought the house from them before you guys were together/engaged so he didn’t really think about how it would effect anyone else. Well now he needs to. I could not live in this situation. Next door is one thing but the same house? Where is he living til they go to the basement?? You said he hates confrontation and disappointing people but he needs to know that he will be hurting you if this situation doesn’t change. He needs to focus more on you as his future wife.

Post # 12
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

anon,

I agree with you that it is not fair your husband grandparents or parents refuse to change the house. You are paying the bills and the mortgage and technically the deed is in your fi and your name. if you werent paying any bills I would actually side with them. if I was you, i probably would roll with it. My Fi is spanish and he as already told me how he contributes to the family financially and get use to the idea family may live with us. less than a year from now I will probably be expected to cook sunday dinner every week for a family of no less than fifteen to twenty with no money from any of them. i realize how you feel. my errors are because my android.

Post # 13
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

The grandparents are going to live there so they dont have to go to the nursing home. lol. do you know how much a nursing home costs? she can cook clean feed and bathe them.plus take care of her own family.

Post # 14
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

this is not a tenable situation as it is. you are never going to be ok with this and that is absolutely fine. it’s a very unusual situation that most people would find difficult.

unfortunately none of the options are going to be easy and all will involve making a stand. it sounds like this is not something your fiance is good at but if he is serious about marrying you, then his loyalties now lie with you. not to say he abandons his family but you come first.

as far as i can see options include:

explain that you will be renovating the house and do it. set boundaries for what you (both) will and will not do to help once you are married, putting systems in place to help support this.

sell the house, either back to family or to someone else. i don’t think you will be able to do this without really hurting family and is it actually legally yours? doesn’t sound like it from your post.

rent the house out and live nearby but with some distance (say 15 min drive or so).

i really hope you can work something out but this is syper tough.

Post # 15
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

The situation is not going to change. Ypur FI is not going to change. You need to either embrace that this will be your life, where your husband is committed to his family of origin first, and you second, or walk away because you know in your heart of hearts that you will not be happy with this lifestyle.You are the only person who can say whether you can feel truly happy and fulfilled in this arrangement. Just know and accept to your core that this will not change. He is who he is, he does what he does, and he’s not going to change.

My cousin married a woman who is committed to her family of origin first. They’ve been married for a decade, and she requires them to live in her family’s home. She will never “cut the cord” because she is comfortable with things exactly as they are. I don’t say that as a criticism. It’s just how she is and how her family of origin works. They are extremely close. It works for them, and that’s fine.

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