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Until coming to the Bee I'd never really heard of ladies that were "waiting" for their guy to propose. I do have one friend that's been with her SO for a few years but nothing ever comes up about "waiting". Otherwise, maybe it's because most of my friends are either single or already married/engaged. But, from what I've seen here, or have gathered from other's, it seems like a majority of girls that are considering themselves "waiting" have been living with their SO for an amount of time already.
My point being, is it that if a guy is living with their SO, pretty much doing what a married couple would do (what with finances, setting up a home, etc etc) that in their logical mind they're thinking, "Why take that next step when we're already there?"
So just out of my own curiousity, for the "Ladies in Waiting", are you living with your SO? Do you feel that living with them already is a factor towards waiting for that engagement?
I moved in with him in April. He was a confirmed bachelor (40) and I had no problem with that. I would have been fine if we'd never gotten married. I just wanted to be with him and I knew it would be forever.
Low and behold 2 months later he proposed! His relatives are still reeling from the shock. lol
I'm waiting, but I wouldn't say the reason I'm waiting is because we live together. My SO bought the ring, so now it's just a matter of when/where/how he wants to propose, and before he had the ring it was because we're both young and he didn't feel like he was ready to get married yet, which is fine with me. I wouldn't want him to do something he didn't feel ready for.
@CherryWaves: I can't imagine not living with someone before becoming engageged. We lived together for 3 years before getting engaged. I was a "waiting" girl for quite a while. We bought a house, combined finances, etc. My fiance never thought "why take the next step?". Getting married and starting a family was always discussed, including before we decided to live together. We decided to spend our money on our first home, and a year later got engaged.
I'll admit that some days were harder than others, but we established a timeline together and we both stuck to it.
@MissBoPeep: Ah, yes. I'd say if he has a ring, he's obviously GOING to do it, it's just a matter of when.
I lived with my FI for about 8 months before he proposed, and I was "waiting" the whooooole time...and even before we moved in together I was waiting.
@Bostongrl25: Why would you say you "couldn't imagine" not living with someone before becoming engaged? Would it be because you'd "get to know them better" before you fully committed to them? I only ask because DH and I weren't living together 'til a month before the wedding...
We each still live home. Partly because I don't want to pay someone else's mortgage, and I've seen friends really lose out when buying a home with a SO rather than husband, and partly because with too many couples, I can't help but feel that living together prior to marriage makes the waiting period longer. I've heard MANY men (not mine) say things like, "she's cooking, she's doing my laundry, she's already like a wife" and they have the feeling like there's no urgency. We have friends that live together and friends that are married, and when someone asks the married friends how married life is, they say it's the same as before the wedding...well, I find that depressing! I was also a psych & soci student, and have seen many studies indicate that couples who live together before marriage are more likely (75%) to divorce. I am somewhat traditional, and feel like nothing is saved for weddings now...I'd like to experience picking out furniture, dishes and things like that, as husband and wife. Just my $.02.
My SO and I have been living together since March of last year. Before I moved in with him we were in a LDR with a national border and 2,000 miles separating us for a year. The distance wasn't working for either of us, and since I couldn't afford to move into my own place making what I make in his country, we moved in together. I will say that us living together is definitely a factor in my "waiting". I told him before we moved in together that the only way I'd move in with him was if we got engaged before my work permit expired. He agreed to those terms and here we are.
Honestly, I hope you won't mind me saying this but the whole idea that living with your SO will make him less likely to propose kind of bugs me. Personally, I think living together has nothing to do with it. If a guy wants to get married, he will propose, plain and simple. I lived with my FI before we got engaged and he actually proposed to me sooner than I would have expected because he really wants to get married. He's so excited about our wedding and he talks all the time about how he can't wait to be able to wear his wedding ring. Now maybe if a girl refuses to move in together until the guy proposes he will propose sooner, but I don't necessarily think that's a good thing. Because if he wouldn't be ready to get married if they were already living together, then he's not ready, period. Anyway, those are just my thoughts on the topic because I do occaionally see things on here (not by you, but others) that basically amount to, well of course you're not engaged yet, you live together so why would he bother? Which can come across as blaming the woman for her not being engaged yet when really the guy is just not ready.
@CherryWaves: Yup, I felt like we became closer as a couple and got to know eachother more. Even though we spent a lot of time together before we lived together, we still learned small minor things about us as indivuduals and us a a couple. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it worked for us.
Me and FI lived together for a whole year and half before he proposed, and I was waiting all that time, and beforehand as we were making a serious house purchase.
Looking back, the waiting was worth it and I really don't think I waited as long as I thought I had been up until the proposal :)
@Bostongrl25: This was my SO's idea. I always said that I wouldn't live together first (more for family standards than my own) and he felt it a necessary step. I asked him if he wanted to move in, he said yes, and there is an understanding that I want to know we are moving in the direction of marriage within a year (somewhere between September and October). I decided that since it was so important to him that we could come to a compromise since we love and respect each other. He also knows that I wouldn't be 'breaking up' with him if he isn't ready then. Just that he will find his own housing because I think one can know after a year.
I'd also like to add that having made this choice, I am still torn on how I feel about living together first. It definitely makes maintaining the relationship a bit harder at times but I have learned so much more about my SO that I wouldn't have ever known.
We lived together but when we moved in together we both weren't ready for marriage...and then we were. If anything living together made the engagement happen faster.
@Scc6a: No problem, thats your opinion and you are entitled to it. This is just me doing my own little research from hearing and reading about other's.
@Scc6a: Thank you! I heard that all the time, like the whole buying the cow thing (fun fact, our save the date magnets were of a cow with the phrase "we're buying the cow" because of the sheer number of people that said this STUPID phrase to me). If anything, living together made our engagement happen faster because we moved in together with a set purpose in mind, engagement and marriage. Living together for us was non-negotiable, we felt that you don't 100% fully know a person until you live with them.
ETA: Honestly, to each her own. I'm not trying to come across as harsh! I knew people that waited to live together until they got married and it was the right decision for THEM. It just wasn't for us.
@misspeanut: So would you have not married your DH if you hadn't (or for whatever reason couldn't) lived together because you didn't "100% know each other?"
@CherryWaves: Honestly there would have had to be some very special circumstances. It's just always been on my list that I need to live with someone before I marry them. Like my edit said, waiting works for some, but just not for me. And yeah, my husband and I were joined at the hip before we moved in, but there were still little quirks, routines, and things that we just didn't know about each other until we lived together. I'm not trying to say to people that wait that they don't know their spouse - I'm very sorry if it came across that way. I'm just saying that me personally (and my husband!), I didn't want to marry someone without living with them first.
I didn't intend to move in with my BF, but I did. I quit my job and found a job closer to him, so I moved in temporarily. It's been almost a year now. The weird thing, though, is that he has a roommate, so it's not like we're living together on our own - I think that would be different.
Previously, we both were very set on not moving in together before marriage, and at the very least, before engagement. I think part of what is making me want to get engaged and married is because I broke that agreement with myself, so now I want to make it right. Which is kind of silly, but it matters to me. So that is kind of what is making me more on the "waiting" end of things, rather than just content. (but I'm sure I'd be pretty anxious to get engaged still if we weren't living together!)
I had always been told that you only lived together after you got married but after my parents separated, my mother changed her tune whilst my father remains steadfast. Meanwhile, the SO grew up with the idea that it was alright to live together prior to getting married. Hence we have compromised - we will move in together AFTER he proposes because whilst we do think it would be a good idea to learn how to live together first, we also want to show my father that we are indeed serious about each other and that we do intend to spend our lives together.
@misspeanut: Oh man, the whole cow/milk thing, I hate that phrase! It's clearly offensive to women (um, am I supposed to be the COW?) but I also find it offensive to men. It's like saying, "No man naturally wants to get married, they just want to move in together as quickly as possibly so their girlfriends can't blackmail them into an engagement!" Anyway, I also think it's totally fine to not live together before marriage, even though it definitely wasn't right for me.
@misspeanut: Ah I see! Totally understand where you're coming from. When DH and I were first dating I wished we could live together and I still wish I could have moved in much sooner.
I moved into the house he bought for us 1.5 years before he proposed and it absolutely was a necessary step for him to propose and me to accept. If anything, living together sped up his proposal, almost like he/we realized that we really could live together without killing each other, and now we know for sure that this is the one we're supposed to be with.
Sure, he was getting the milk for free for a while but I was still a very free woman since I wasn't on the mortgage. I could've moved out at any time. He put me on lock down :)
We lived together for 3 years before he proposed.
5 years ago, when we started to think seriously about living together we had the choice of renting together and getting engaged or buying a house together.
We chose to buy a house together as the market was good at the time. We always knew we would get married and I can honestly say that 5 years ago we could not have afforded to have the wedding we just had so it was well worth the wait for us :)
Living with my SO 2 and a half years now and definitely regretting it! I would definitely be engaged if I hadn't let SO move in with me
I was in waiting for a good long time. We dated for 7 years before getting engaged. For 5 of those, I would say I was waiting. But we were young. For the last two years, we could have lived together, but agree that that is something that should be saved for marriage. I agree that if a guy wants to get married, he'll propose, but it seems to me that if he's living with you, sleeping with you, making married people decisions with you, the thought of getting married might be less likely to cross his mind. Because he already has all of that. I don't know that that would increase the "waiting" phase though.
I would explain, but I'm really bad at getting my point across online without becoming really confusing. One day, I'd really like to figure out why that is. :-)
My SO have been together for four and a half years and have been living together for three and a half. I don't think me living with him has any effect on whether or not he proposes sooner or later. He was waiting for me to get done with school which I am and I'm still waiting.
The bf has asked me to marry him and we've gone ring shopping on many occasions. However, I've let him know i'm not playing house and once the ring is on my finger he can move in. He feels the same way. I don't need him getting comfortable and thinking we can act like a married couple without the actual commitment.
Yes, we live in the house I bought in 2010.
we aren't engaged because he was laid off, not because of living together.
We lived together for more than 5 years before we got engaged and I don’t think that it had anything to do with how long it took him to “put a ring on it”. I was ready a few years before he was but he wanted to be in a certain place in life before we tied the knot. We also wanted to buy my ring outright so it took some time to save the money.
FWIW, I would never marry someone who I didn’t live with first. I know lots of people do it and it seems to work out for them but it is just not for us. The years that DH and I spent cohabitating before marriage have done nothing but strengthen our relationship and teach us how to deal with the issues that are thrown at us. I wouldn’t do it differently if you paid me.
@WantToBeM.E.: To each their own but I love that nothing changed for us after marriage and I dont find it depressing at all. We started our lives together long before we had the fancy piece of paper and I wouldn't have done it differently for anything. As for your statistic, that doesnt make any sense to me. I know my husband inside and out after living with him for so long. I'm not going to say we'll never get divorced because I dont know what the future will bring but I can without a doubt guarantee that if we ever did, it would not be because we lived together before marriage. I think the statistic is a bit backwards, to be honest.
I will not move in w/my SO until being engaged. I think whether or not living together detains the waiting process depends on the couple. I've known plenty of couples where the guy didn't feel the need to propose because they were living together. And I've had friends move in together because they were both on the same page and heading in the direction of engagement and marriage.
In my case, it's gotten to the point where I've been sort of "waiting" for a year, and seriously waiting for 6 months now. If it's that hard for him to get to the engagement point, no way in hell am I moving in with him before then.
We lived together for over a year and a half before getting engaged this October. We both always knew that we wanted an eventual engagement and wedding. However, we have some friends who have lived together for a while and aren't particularly interested in tying the knot. I think it really depends on the couple. If getting married is important to you, moving in together shouldn't change that.
I only moved in with him because I knew we would eventually get married (classic case of "when you know, you know!"). We lived together almost a year before getting engaged, but the wait was mostly due to money and us being students still
We're in an LDR. I am planning to move to be with him in August, and I think he assumed that he would propose within a year after moving in (I made it clear that I did not want to be a live in girlfriend indefinitely). However, we talked again and I told him I really didn't feel comfortable moving (it's about 500 miles away) and trying to find a job in the middle of nowhere unless some things were certain. So the timeline is now until October. However, if we were living in the same city and it wouldn't be such a sacrifice to move (physically, emotionally, career wise, etc) we probably would be living together already (pre-engagement).
I was never waiting because I knew it would happen someday and I was in no hurry. FI asked me for years to move in, and when I finally said yes, he was already planning to propose. One month after I moved in, he popped the question. :)
I guess I was waiting? I dunno, I just always figured that's how it would go- move in together, get engaged, get married, have kids, in that order. I never figured we'd get engaged before we moved in together.
Although I wouldn't say living together was like being married already. Up until he did propose (over a year after I moved in), we were very conscious of not getting my money too tied up in his house. Maybe it would've been different if we were renting, but he bought this house while we were together but before I was ready to move in. It is *his* house, technically. I never paid for any of the remodeling or upgrading we did, although I sure put a lot of blood and sweat into it. The only major purchase I made was a new washer when ours died because as luck would have it I got my security deposit check that week, so our running joke was that if we ever broke up I was taking the washing machine with me- I'd have an apartment, a bed, a dresser, my clothes, and a washing machine (since I chucked or gave away everything else when I gave up my apartment).
We moved in together in the begining of June. He had just graduated and got a job almost an hour from his previous apartment. He needed to get something with an easier commute and I was looking to get out of my crappy apartment, and stay close to him. And in the middle of July he proposed!
I know that the reason some people think it's silly or not a good idea to get engaged or married to someone before living with them for a time is the old 'how could you possibly know them fully without having lived together first' explanation. But that's one of the main reasons why I don't want to live together first! I want our marriage to be the beginning of our shared life, not just a way of legally making it official. I do believe in 'if you know, you know', and believe me, I know! I don't think that you have to know a person's habits inside and out in order to know if you should marry them. And I like the idea of being newlyweds and continuing to learn new things about each other. And it's not that I think that waiting will make the proposal come faster - I'm pretty sure the proposal will come soon no matter what, since marriage and family is what we both want.
I'm so excited to begin this next stage in my life, and this is probably (hopefully) the last time I will live alone, and I enjoy it! I finally make enough money to have a gorgeous little place to myself, so why should I give up the independence and personal space I have worked so hard for, for anything less than the security and commitment of marriage? In the end it comes down to how I value my own space, and how I value myself. While I am excited to be married and live life as a team, I love that I am independent right now, because it gives me a chance to hone all of the skills that I will need to be a good wife and mother. I've always lived in houses full of messy university roommates, and now that I am by myself I'm learning what works for me in terms of how to keep my house clean, how to cook healthy meals, how to plan ahead and be organized and shop. My boyfriend is older than me and very 'together', so I was concerned that if we moved in together right away I would just default to his ways of doing everything, or he would take charge of most things. I like that I have this chance to become an excellent, refined version of myself before becoming his wife, and I think I am worth the wait :)
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